fufillment can only bring more hope, can it?
my first post with a question mark in it.
today... was nice. ahh got a thousand and one things to say again, but here goes:
"I love you, but exactly because of that I cannot take the fact that you don't reciprocate the love. hardly are you the initiator of an MSN or SMS conversation (i hardly dare to wish for you to be the one to ask me out)... I don't hate you for it. On the contrary I thank God for the fact you don't refuse me nor reply to my love. but to reply is different from to reciprocate. Ah Heaven knows i shouldn't be complaining... You're way out of my league and yet you're here next to me. However... (and i have no idea what is the right way of putting this) it seems something has happened. Has it been regained? I don't know. You are still waiting to figure things, and i'm waiting for your wait to be over. You have no idea how much I think of you and contemplate what is the best way to have you, to convince you of my love. Sometimes I think of putting off talking to you so that I don't seem like I want you so much... So much such that maybe in some weird sense of logic you don't bother to like me back. Sometimes I think of being less in love and more friendly, but Hell am I not in love with you? You decide to play it safe right now, showing me a flag and sign of love which is only because I show the same to you, but never committing yourself to loving me. I don't even dare to tell you this! It's funny how I feel so much like this relationship requires alot more coming from you but I haven't guts to risk it ending altogether. I'm yours, and as Fate has dealt me a beautiful, beautiful hand in you (i love you), perhaps sometime you would learn to love me as much as I love you. there's still so much we have to go through together, and i do hope it gets there. i love you. [s: don't take what I've said as resentment towards anything between us... Damn should I even have said it? What if you use it as a reason to build on the skeptical feeling you have in your heart now? I love you, I can't have that happen. "
yea... a little emo thing to
today was kind of an eventful day. went for jazz performance (shucks I still need alot of work on stage confidence. can anyone please help me?). I sang Spiderman, Quizas and That's All with Yvonne, all of them with the mike shaking in my hand... And since the audience is closer they probably caught it too. Yvonne and Kelly were good, I screwed up here and there. Hmm.
And then stoned around with YH then stoned around alone then went for Deb Fung's concert which was really disappointing. Sean was sleeping la. He proclaimed loudly at the end of the concert "I can't believe I spent 15 bucks watching this shit." Haha it was quite funny. But Deb Fung was not exactly anything special, and she didn't have an ounce of worldly desire nor evil; her songs were all so cheesy, feel-good and full of hope for a betterment of the world that a collection of about 10 of them really put us off. The music wasn't very good either. And she so much cheesy banter before her songs explaining the songs as sean pointed out. sigh it wasn't money well spent.
but neither was the 20 bucks I spent at the arcade.
good night.
excited.
last night was soo tired. it's that kind of whole-week's-fatigue-catches-up-on-you kind of thing. whoa i was so tired i hardly even spoke to YTWISILU.
but... that's all i'm going to say about YTWISILU. i don't wanna say no more. (except maybe i love you!)
today is going to fun! concert at esplanade library... i hope i don't get nervous? i'm doing Spiderman hello how fun is that song? and Quizas which i have already done before already... and then that's all which is a song i dedicate to... the above abbreviation. haha.
anyway need to go for poly appointment already... sian. ok bb!
i. want. to. sleep.
I awoke at 2.30 this morning, lazed in bed till 3.30, then woke up to do stuff. Right now I am waiting for my videos to finish downloading, so i can put them into my phone together with the songs i'm performing for Heartbeat of the Drums. Hmm quite unfamiliar, and i realised that Ordinary People is back up song for this sat! Sian i still need to practise it and stuff.
today i was a little emo-ey, YTWISILU might know why. i asked you whether you could love me back and you said you didn't know... i think that's cool. that you could so freely tell me things like this. and say things that drive me nutz. i like it when you ask me questions about the relationship (it shows you give at least the littlest of shits) and no, i do not overregard you... you're really so sweet and cute and funny.
hmm today (yesterday) was a normal day... nothing much. came back early in fact and had a lift from Heidi's parents (thanks Heidi and Parents!)... i like coming back early. but i hate having to keep falling asleep. got to fix that.
oh i thought of something during French lesson that i wanted to blog about... can't remember what it was arrgh darn. it was like a witty wordplay i created. sian i will remember it sometime later.
maybe we should take it slow.
whoo blog post 180! i like this number, albeit with month-long stops. wait isn't 180 that number in Final Destination?
well today went well, except for, as said before, waking to find i had not done stuff as was planned. But never mind, tonight is quite slack. Piano, then French, then GPP and perhaps a little planning. Haha all this with me home at 8.22 AFTER having stoned at my mum's shop for about 2 hours. haha i think even though i have nothing on after school on mondays, wednesday is my short day haha. in fact just now we were stoning in MEP room, and Bagus and I were sitting on the floor doing Georgia. (that'd have sounded wrong if only Georgia didn't mean Georgia on My Mind, a song -.-") Then Adam and Huang came back and jammed a little with us (Ordinary People for busking in June, and Spiderman for Esplanade Library concert!)... Today Adam seemed extra bouncy, lively, happy... I don't know haha is it because he has officially relinquished his role for Jazz? btw Shu and Tsung Siang are VPs, and Royce is President! haha quite cool. jazz is getting more and more fun.
next week is production week! everyday go home late! hahaha must chiong hw... but this weekend keep going out lor. non-stop.
haha go SRN! our group for NYAA. SRN stands for the Singapore President's name because if we get NYAA gold, the president will give us the cert himself. how cool is that. grace it's ok you can still do the activities with us, and you can still count yourself an NYAA gold awardee! commitments commitments.
and i forgot to post... Huimin told us that when she read my blog during my emo periods, she would be so affected that she would be very solemn and walk into her room and write her diary... Lol i find that quite funny. As in how my emo-ing can affect people until liddat. Sorry huimin. And really my blog right, even the randommest people know about, come and ask me who crush is lol wth. but thanks all readers for visiting... no more crush mystery, is it still interesting?
YTWISILU: Uhh... I don't know what to say. I love you? But you know that already. Only today i realised that indeed me being me, i do give you alot to be confused about. I'm sorry, and still i don't think i could do more to convince you, and you told me not to. And so i wait, and hope that the answer at the end is not verbal, but a loving hug or kiss. maybe i'm being too dreamy? haha i don't know. i think of you every moment i get to, thinking about how to show you i love you and how you might show me yours... I can sense alot of unsurety in the way our relationship is going but i accept that. after all this -is- an unique situation. i cherish everything we do together and i wish for more time together too. maybe i'm ranting. i'll give you your time to think. you know how much i just want to hug you every time i see you? every thing you do... ahh i sound like a stalker. but it's true la. somehow i feel that in this time somehow the flow has been impeded, and something is lost between us. i fear that. i love you i love you i love you, even though i'm afraid to tell you because i'm afraid it'll make you leave me.
you drive me kind of nutz with love.
Heartbeat of the Drums.
ah gawdammit i woke up this morning to find i hadn't done my GPP nor any tutorials. this sucks! hmmph.
ok anyway, i want to quickly promote this before i go for school:
Heartbeat of the Drums is a RJCO Percussion Concert held at the Young Musicians' Society. It's on the 25/05 (Friday), at 7.30. I know like half the people in RJCO Percussion (or at least i think so) and furthermore, i will be performing popular songs like 千里之外 and even classics like Music of the Night. I am currently sourcing a female singer to go with me so yea, it's going to be even better.
Please do come! I will be sending out a message to some of you. haha.
hmm.
you left without saying a good night? ahh maybe i'm being dumb but i know you had training today... must be tired. poor thing, love you. i'm thinking of you so much!
Crush! hmm. today me and kristel had dinner at ding tai fung (alert: bishan branch does NOT have drunken chicken wth) and i think we talked about the whole YTWISILU and Crush thing. in fact as i talked to her about losing myself, i sort of found a little bit of myself again. it was a good feeling, like part of the puzzle has been put back in place. Hmm. just to let y'all know YTWISILU is not Crush. they are two different people. ok? but Crush i'm not the only one to appreciate your beauty... You really are hot and cute at the same time. And you are funny. It's so cool.
missed another BB outing at the playground... hmm. BB councillors rock i think. but today completed quite a number of things! so i'm glad. thank you w850i. it's ok i had fun with Kris too. Right kris? haha. KBOX with BB councillors! wahh i just sent a message to the egrp talking about them spamming and stuff... don't get pissed please. but really it's spam until li pu.
Shucks i submitted my High-five form but i didn't include my dad's NRIC. how?
nick chong is really damn damn nice la.
YTWISILU... love you love you love you. couldn't stop thinking about you. mm.
a simple, but high day?
i'm starting to like the junwei way of speaking? and picking up some random lingo thanks? lol quite funny.
Ben-chan taught me another fun trick to play on people other than the cross-tapping-turn-head-wrong-way one that alot of people are familiar with my prowess at. haha it's quite fun shall try it soon. and must mix it with the double jack one. haha. ben-chan lately been playing with you quite a bit... it's been cool knowing you in RJ (even though i never knew you existed back in RI), and i can safely say that you're my best bud in 6R now... or maybe even outside that. haha. thanks man. towards KBOX/ARCADE!!
hmm today was quite high don't know why. like during othello i couldn't stop laughing, laughing fits as Daniel calls 'em. haha then the rest of the day very animated.
and today was the first time i hung out at CR for more than 1 hour. actually last time got but then it was with wang ting and i had to memorize lines so i don't really call that hanging out. but today was truly zuo bo.
wah kao my pictures for NYAA look like some shit haha. hmm going for NYAA, quite exciting. am i signing up for too much? haha. HFY too.
happy birthday huimin.
now cannot blog whole day le. alot of things happen. ah but new phone rocks! it's got alot of functions and help me to organize my life alot more now. thank you new phone!
ytwisilu not alot of people ask about you only ben-chan, and that's because i hang out with him alot. i loved the message you sent me today, i love you for being simply the greatest thing and i thank god that i can be with you. i love you beyond what those three words could say, and you say you know it, and i sure hope you do. can't wait till we go out!
crush? um, you hurt my feelings can? thanks for the rudeness on msn. but then again... haha it was nice what you did for me. haha so ambiguous until you yourself won't realize i'm talking about you. but yea very nice. just... don't be too caught up about being accepted cuz you are really quite perfect. today someone commented that you are quite cute haha.
a beautiful night of a thousand stars.
but then again, on a not-so-happy note, i never had to push that hard to get my shit out. that was the mother of constipation. the bloody (not literally) doo-doo SANK. hahaha. ok there are alot more details but i'll save it for my memory or some other random shit conversation i have with people.
tonight's sky is great! the Astro club sure did choose a great night to have their camp. heard there was going to be shooting stars but i didn't see it in the time i was outside the house looking at the sky. TO TAIWAN PEOPLE (if y'all even read): the sky made me once again remember Taiwan... all the fun times we had staying up, the mountain resort which had the most beautiful of views... Where are you guys? Have we broken up? I miss the times we had. I wish we could have them again. just us, thinking about nothing but having fun. as Tatty put it, "it's the best thing that happened to me" (albeit misquoted i believe). Truly, i've learnt so much from you guys and y'all have matured me alot in the way i treat people. or rather, in every way. i think i would be a very different person now if not for you guys. we MUST meet up soon.
YTWISILU: i didn't miss you today. that's because i felt that we've gotten closer? you told me you weren't totally certain about what you were thinking and feeling, and i thank you for telling me instead of leaving it to some guessing game between the two of us. i'll wait... although i really really hope the answer in the end would be yes. i think of you all the time and i love you! love you love you love you. you're the best.
today was... almost a decadence day for me. a welcome break i enjoyed when i wasn't thinking about the next deadline or running about rushing. haha that's what constitutes a break now to me (just sitting around in the house doing nothing very important) but i really like it. It renews me for real commitment.
But for that i think i need my new handphone so i can have a more organized working situation. yea that i'm getting... today (since it is 311). Hope my mum would come down to help me get it all done.
and today had fun with councillors haha. the 26ths. they're really fun people! and boy is the council room a great place to hang out it's damn comfy and homely (though i must admit, a little on the warm side). junhao seems right at home tossing and turning on the bed haha. thanks wt for the rehearsal today.
ge chuang... um. yea. go nick chong and jian hui you guys were great!
watched Fracture. not bad, ben-chan was sleeping at all the exciting parts haha. the twist is quite.... somewhat la somewhat predictable. well made though. execution of plot was great. and before that me and ben-chan went to the arcade at RJ... haha quite fun quite fun. all very in the spirit of decadence. spent alot of money though sian. we've agreed to keep going back to the basketball game and prac until we break record (right now at stage 3). and i suddenly decided to play kiap kiap (taiwan people i thought about our times together again... told ben-chan about them) and managed to get the toy that everyone else wanted. haha blew an amount on it but yea it's worth it. the thrill is very good.
hmm replying to tagboard:
Meiyi: thanks... the concert was a success and thanks for the flower. are you still emo-ing? I'm cheered up already la :P
Shaway: it's ok, it's ok. and yea i won't complicate myself in circles. or at least i'll try.
Jamie: Hey jamie! yea really long time no talk. lol i think alot of people want to marry me. no need to say really.
NOT.
Shoo: yep thanks for the clarification. nice to know i'm loved. lol. yes thank you two alot for the excellent outfit. no thanks to the man who invented sizes larger than what fits me...
Heidi: thanks! i love it too. but it's been stained with make-up :( how do i get it off?
Ok just got back and didn't shower before deciding to blog. love you ytwisilu. miss you. thanks all for visiting!
coming down from a high.
so... Jazz concert is over! hopefully i can get the pics to upload for y'all to see. I really liked my outfit haha. i kind of screwed up in my song but yea well it all turned out fine. i'll miss all the j2s!! it's really quite.. poetic the fact that our first performance is their last. but we had alot of fun! sesame street FTW! and j1s don't forget our plans for the Pokemon-themed jazz concert 2008!
then when ian sean and I went for Council thing everyone laugh. haha it was quite cool. i've heard comments about the people running... and some weren't so nice. and i agree with some of the not-so-nice ones. haha.
today was supposed to be getting hp, but no parent free, so i guess i have to stone at home. But i welcome this break. i've daoed SPCA, tossing it away as a lost commitment... all thanks to my brother Ben hahaha. So now i am kind of enjoying myself, doing nothing. I will meet yh later for ding tai fung (whooo drunken chicken babyyyyy) and then ben-chan for ge chuang concert... hope it's good haha.
just received a message from wang ting reminding me of rehearsal today. haha.
YTWISILU! you're just making me want you more and more? i love you so so so much and i think about you all the time. i think too much sia.... haha. hmm, even though sometimes i worry that you don't really love me, but then again i really don't want to doubt you so i take what you say as the truth. you never tell me you love me before i do, and you don't tell me you miss me. but i love you for even telling me you love me too at all, and not turning me away. and for being so darn cute and sweet haha. love you so so much.
Crush, you're still pretty. Once again i'm reminded of why i love you. And how you play as though i don't.... Sigh. You're really quite amazing how nutz you can drive someone.
thanks to all who came down to support me. sorry yh and shane if you feel daoed. haha.
another long day.
today was not a good day at all for me. alot of bad stuff that happened to me. wanted to tell you ytwisilu but i didn't want to disturb you. i need a hug badly. very bad day for me.
still got alot of work to do now. see y'all.
long day.
wow today... was filled with highs and lows.
highs: ytwisilu being sweet to me (i love you i love you), Organ dancing with Shu and Sean hahahaha, finding out my hp line contract has ended, getting new accesories for jazz concert.
lows: my hp spoiling, realizing that i'm not very prepared for jazz concert.
haha yea. quite tired now. can't blog much. Mel don't get too pulled in haha see ya.
to the taggers.
haha shuli says i'm screwed up. she's here and once again we are in MEP room at jazz prac. skipped RP reh la i hope mr. lyon isn't pissed.
shuli says i would be screwed upside down. :( and got to go buy chicken in a biscuit so fastly i will finish.
JCX: Lol sorry i can't tell no one who Crush is. No one in this world will know! Nice to know you're feeling better.
sean: sorry sean haha.
meiyi: heyy... good to know you're feeling better. the world's looking up for a lot [ed: Shuli says it's two words -.-"] of us eh?
xinyi: except you. hey next time you feel down, look at the card i gave you and think about the pendant. those are your anti-emo charms k. people love you.
ok shu says i'm screwed up again. bye bye. got to go by chicken in a biskit. is one packet enough for the three of us? i dunno. hahahahah see y'all later. love you ytwisilu.
poems.
it drives me crazy when you wave
hello to me from across the people.
it drives me crazy when you bid
farewell to me 5 minutes later.
i love your smile,
it gives me high,
like nothing i ever had before.
But,
when can i hold your hand,
and feel your hand squeeze tightly in response?
When can i stay with you,
play with you,
or hear the three words
"I love you"
from you?
Because i love you so.
YTWISILU i you gave me alot of highs today and i love you love you love you. but i don't know how to know whether you really do love me too. i want to trust you but like i said i think too much, and... i don't know. whether or not i'm sure of anything i'll keep loving you. I thought about you all day.
To Crush:
You do dislike me,
And though the world can't see it,
I do adore you.
Maybe going, gone,
But of my heart you will still
be a special part.
Sigh. nights.
jazz rehearsals.
hey all,
i'm in the MEP room. our band got tired of practising haha for this friday's concert. it's gonna be quite fun, and i have a little skit for my song. Right now Yvonne is doing her econs mugging (thank god i haven't econs!) and kelly and her band are kinda pwning our asses? haha they're doing stormy weather and it's very nice.
hang on xiumin ask us go to the room.
lol wanted me to carry something but bagus got to the man of things. haha kelly is really good! i can see yvonne watching in awe. Hmm i think my singing is the worst maybe of all jazz? somehow i feel like i don't sing as well as i used to do. or rather, i don't enjoy it so much? yea yvonne is definitely way above me... She was singing her songs with Pris on the piano and her with her beautiful lounge voice.... Haha very nice. I can imagine one day when I am just sipping on a martini in some hotel with my wife, i'll hear her and say "hey, i know that girl!"
haha we're waiting for our turn to perform. I'm very worried actually. Today is full dress and it's all the way to 8!! hahaha i had plans for tonight and i don't like my plans being screwed up. I should look at my plans again after this blog post.
Go Kelly!
Crush, today someone thought you weren't likable. they thought of you as crude and not very good partner material... and i kept quiet. i didn't want anyone to know i liked you so much, but then again as the days go by and we open up to each other i feel like the feeling fading. perhaps (perhaps perhaps hahahahaha) it's been too long since i should have realised you couldn't love me. maybe only Z. Y. hahaha hello shuli and huizhen heh. ya. maybe everyone else but me eh?
Will we ever become as good as the j2s? they're really good! james looks very out of place on piano hahaha he's like playing with his leg crossed. haha but he seems good lor! the guitarist i don't know but the bassist was the girl who decided that i shouldn't join Street Dance! haha but never mind i'm not unhappy.
Hey ytwisilu. I missed you much today. and i wanted to just have your messages coming into my phone all day long and never having to fear that you don't wish to speak to me. but i do, and in fear of being taggy, i shan't talk to you too much k? but when you say "love you too" to me it makes me DAMN DAMN DAMN high. hahaha you're so great to me. ok stop talking ye wei.
(wonder if you did see my posts about you? the random piano playing and singing today made me emo about you. made me want to learn piano so i can sing songs for you or, rather, about you for myself. i'll sing to you if you want?)
haha very long post cuz really nothing to do in the MEP room. Fingers almost freezing up. The BB people are packing the goodies and i'd really love to join them but cannot! sigh. we're just stoning here but still i can't leave.
ok let's do a few shout outs other than to Crush and Ytwisilu.
Meiyi! Are you doing fine? Don't worry about me k, don't emo about me more importantly. I'm ok and i will be ok. just give me some time. be happy!
Huizhen? What's your blog? Lemme link you!
Xue Wei have you a blog?
Hi Shu are you having fun practising? haha by the time you see this you won't be.
Ben-Chan sian today never play with you.
Jon Yee please don't join Grace's Dad's lesson yet? Let me catch up!!
And Grace, don't let them in! hey thanks for letting me come into the lessons they're really great. kudos to your dad too. and the piano lessons (if your dad doesn't read my blog). i've been practising!
Who else? Hi BB councilors i think you guys rock. Shihua i promise you i will sing a jay chou song for you the next time k.
Daniel! Tell me asap when is photoshoot. As though you even read my blog.
JCX thanks for the concern you showed me a few days back. Really. Are you feeling better? I felt very sick last time, are you still feeling sick?
Ok too long le might put you off. see you later! maybe tonight. hopefully ytwisilu you will talk to me but even though i'm thinking of you i won't initiate it. not tonight. bye bye.
back from council camp.
i was planning to type quite a bit about it but i found out that our juniors may be affected by the information we leak, so... go councillor wanna-bes! i support you! the camp was tiring (as are all) but very meaningful too. i look forward to seeing y'all next year. oh and sorry readers for not informing you that i was leaving.
kristel! haha everyone says you're darn nice and you're like the mother of council (in a good way if you ever did take offence) and i can't help but agree! you rock k! i won't ever forget you. you know when you got down next to me during the oath recital thing i was quite moved. the one time in th camp i wanted cry haha.
lol i just saw the tagboard. thanks y'all for reading. i think there's going to be another mystery (and by no means did i decide to add it so that y'all will keep reading. honest.)
Crush! Haha i think now, we're friends. i still think you're great great great but... as lily allen says,
with a little help from my friends i got better. actually alot of help. thanks to all! Crush... Heh no one will ever know who you are. Current suspects of who you are:
1. Sabby Lau
2. Liang Shuli
3. Weishan
4. Some j2
5. Some guy -.- lol
anyway.
YTWISILU! you rock you rock you rock. you're damn sweet and you make me high and happy and everything. even though maybe i think you don't love me as much i love you, but i still love you alot! alot! from the words of FIR,
baby you are always on my mind. Literally. i miss you all the time.
bye bye everyone.
yet i'm nothing more than a line in your book.
have i used this title before?
hmm another day of hectic rushing. every break i had i was rushing my practice for the piano and guitar lessons today. in the end not very good not much progress quite sad. sorry grace and dad. i will work hard! but yea so hectic rushing until didn't have lunch nor dinner until 10. hmm. i think i'm rushing to escape depression, but i much prefer this life to idling around. i appreciate free time more.
Crush, i didn't see you today. not even accidentally in the corridors or at the canteen. did it feel good? it didn't feel anything. sigh i still think you're great. do i miss you? i don't know. do i love the feeling of loving you? definitely.
Hmm... how should i say this? initials would not be good. you-to-whom-i-said-i-love-you (a.k.a. YTWISILU) : i love you la. hahaha love you alot. you make me happy.
a pretty angel.
wow today is the first time i feel happy in a long time right?
i still got alot of stuff to do tonight so... lol might die. prac piano and guitar, then GP presentation (which i have no idea how to do) and possibly study french.
Oh dammit i shouldn't have stayed out so late. i finished at what, 10 30? haha even when i well knew how much i had to do tonight. but it was Mel's mini birthday celebrations! it was nice to catch up with her, laughing about orientation and being reminded she's actually 18 (sorry!). yea it was fun and i had to walk her home because i frightened her by describing Chan-Wook Park movies to her haha. sorry again.
anyway, today i felt emo alot during Council meeting (which was kind of funny because the 27ths looked very zuo4 xi4... haha chloe look darn scary). Explains why again i asked Mel for a hug. As in Mel Ho. the previous mel was Mel Wong. anyway yea, crush, again i say,
what hurts the most is being so close; and having so much to say, and watching you walk away! and never knowing what could have been; and not seeing that loving you, was what i was trying to do. I really love you Crush. How are you? Are you ok? You know you are so cute and hot at the same time. and everytime i think about you and i come up with something great about you, i wish i could remember it until i got home and blogged it. But you seem very dao now. like you can't talk to me? it's sad. i hate that. again, older guys? the other friends? you like them older people don't you? asking for their numbers in my face? I love you.
one reason why i'm quite happy is, i get to see Crush soon (almost everyday excluding?) and that i may have found somebody to love.
night. off to rush work.
slip a prozac in my throat ; i don't want to know i don't want to love you.
funny. it's the first time in days i haven't really emo-ed about you crush. you know not only are you driving me crazy, you're driving people around me crazy too. so many people want to know who you are, but... like i said i simply cannot tell anyone.
you know when i see you i go weak? i cannot concentrate on what i'm doing. today i guess i was doing a fair bit of work at every moment so i' m fine. i tried not to think about you. last night i cried (i told you you'd make me), and i told hongxiu that i wanted to kill myself. (sorry hongxiu now i'm too embarassed to talk to you) because i honestly did. as in there wasn't a reason why i wanted to die, just that i didn't think that living was going to be a better option anyway. in any case, you drive me crazy. i bloody go weak when i see you.
and the funniest thing is, everyone is wanting to know who you are, even you are. ok maybe you couldn't give half a hoot about who you are. but you know my friends can attest to the fact that recently you've totally emo-ed me to death. hmm. am i letting you go now, now that i can look to the brighter side? i don't know.
FRIENDS: thanks alot. i think that it's really not necessary to care so much about me. because i have this suspicion that i am subconciously actually just emo-ing for you guys to see. for you guys to care about me. for me to get attention. (and even as i type this confession i doubt myself too). i really don't know? but i'll emo and i'll handle it in my own way. thanks alot for your concern.
Crush, i emo-ed about you for 15 minutes waiting for 156 to get my file (thank god it was reported lost...). Here it is (uploaded too, have you seen the others):
Rascal Flatts - What Hurts the Most
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do
It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do
my favourite line:
and not seeing that loving you was what i was trying to do. completely true. i was actually cheered up today by the discovery of postsecret... it was a real outlet for me and i'm going to write something about you k.
love you. to bits. till i wanna die.
"i don't think council is as clean... as a clean thing"
Hi all...
Ok today is really really bad. As the people around me were cheering for the polo team i was thinking about suicide the whole time. Right now i'm not in a frame of mind to refute the fact that suicide is the best way out. but on with the day first.
today was fun, had alot of crapping and polo match support, which was pretty cool since we gave them a trashing. but it was the after that that was alot more fun, cuz yh and i met cat and tai boon and we crapped alot. we met cat's friends (hi kar hui, calvin/kelvin, and jun wei), and it was very fun cuz i never knew cat to be such a little sicko in her own right. now i have more crapping partners. and this jun wei is the 3rd jun wei i know now haha.
and here's a little quote by Tai Boon:
Me: So do you go around giving blowjobs?
Tai Boon: I don't -go around-....
then dinner with yh, and i'm here. i lost my school file on the way to CCAB and SBS won't pick up my calls... i'm very fretting now. it's one of those things that add to my "mental despair", as i refer to it with Mel Ho. i'm really going nutz. thanks to all who showed concern, really, and xiong for cheering me up, and whoever else. Thanks.
but i'm sorry, i can't help it. suicide is on my mind. i'm very tempted to just sit at my bed and contemplate suicide for a long time, but i have work. somebody -has- to do the right thing. today from morning until last lesson i was very extremely emo, because i saw you, Crush, and i just couldn't take it. i couldn't run my errands without feeling like being cemented into a wall. it's crazy. like i said the whole time at CCAB i just wanted to kill myself. right now i emo a little here it feels better.
ok i'm very afraid of being emo for attention... and there's no way i could know if i'm doing it. so if i seem like it tell me. but right now... the pain is quite some bomb.
Crush it's because of you. I cannot stop thinking about you. I love you so much, and i keep yearning for you to love me back. Please. Oh christ it's very impossible to try to balance you and the harsh workload i have everyday. I could die. Why, why do you come so near yet leave so far again? If i kill myself will you feel more than the little obligatory shock and sympathy? every morning i wake up i remind myself that no one in the world can know who you are, and that pains me cuz i can't share with anyone! I long to see you more, but i don't know what to do around you. I long to kill the people you rather hang out with than me. I love you, but the only way to have you is to not want you. It's crazy it drives me nutz and right now it's driving me almost to suicide. I would really like to take some pills and end my life right now. No wrist-sliciing, i can't take hurt.
I was right, eh? i was ok when i didn't see you, but now that i see you so much it's a high to be with you, a constant conundrum as to how to get close to you, but when i leave i keep realizing that maybe someday you could never try to love me, or realize i won't see you for another long time. knowing that i'm prone to being stupid, leaving my file behind or not being good at school work, it's doubly hard to have you in my mind as i do these works.
i really don't have any idea what to say. or do. i tried to cheer myself up, but you keep bringing me down. i miss you. i love you. i wish we could be together. you're the one person i need. please. oh fucking christ suicide on mind = not good at all.
love all. i hope i get out of it tonight.
much has happened in the past 24 hours.
yea. alot. so i'm gonna keep ranting. whatever comes to my head.
ok today was a nutz day, because I have been running around until now. Probably the most hectic sunday i had for this year.
Firstly, I had to quickly make a mad dash for Hui Zhen's house, to pass her the Jap books which she left at my house after last night. To make things clear, me, ben-chan, xinyi and her had a little gathering at my house to watch 300. Then we had alot of fun telling fortunes. Xinyi is fretting but her future ahead is quite clear of obstacles. [Shit i can't stop thinking of crush as i talk about other things.] Huizhen on the other hand, needs to realize that her life now is quite fulfilling but at the end, Respite. Repose. Desolation. Solitude. Abandonment. And she wants to be with ??? [ed: by request of Hui Zhen herself.] according to the Xinyi fortune telling game. After that me and ben went to play some ball (we settled some form of strategy and we played A-B-Cs which i lost both times and he helped me practise under the basket shots). Then me and him went to Mac's to do our tutorials. He finished up till qn 7 of Math tutorial 4A, I finished whatever we could finish on Chem tutorial. One up. And then i went home to sleep.
I need to try the new bagel at Mac's, looks good.
Ok so i slept at 6.30 am and woke up at 10 30, then started doing my errands. Anachronism, but yea first thing i did was run to huizhen's house to give her the stuff. Together with her chem notes which i needed since i lost mine. i need to zap from someone like Desmond.
If i blog about everything that happens everyday, that will kill me and i will stop blogging. but this is one day i wanna talk about everything.
Then i couldn't stop at home so i had to immediately head for Ari's house for Jazz prac. Please be reminded that i haven't had any food up till now. Sometimes i'm proud of the way i run around and go crazy for work and stuff, according to my schedule, but one day it might kill me.
I love you crush. There was talk about you, and i couldn't stop thinking about you. I miss you bad. I'm running around to forget you.
Yea Ari's house is very fun because it has a full band equipment, so we could jam. I did my song very quickly (need it more work? i think so) and sorry yvonne, but fell asleep during her practice. I was tired... then there was food so after Summertime was settled i devoured the chicken wings. Ari's mum is damn cool! His dad too. And the kuehs were nice. I think i'm starting to appreciate Ari's amazingness. He can play drums, piano and guitar, it's quite cool. and he's cool doing it too. He played Ordinary People by John Legend for me to sing to, and it was great. Listening to it now. I will upload later. Then we practised the Esplanade pieces (actually we didn't but we jammed. i'm very off on livin la vida loca). Then we jammed alot, it was very fun, and me ari and clara had a little chat about people. Clara tell me about Darren and Anita!
Too many things to do. I'm feeling like Not I by Samuel Beckett.
Then quickly rushed to meet Grace so i could have my piano and guitar lesson. Thanks Clara and parents (who was the other woman), i wouldn't have gotten there in time if not for your lift. The first piano lesson was really fun. Before that I was at 7 11 and i was loitering because time was not up yet so i felt like i was going to steal something haha. Last time ben-chan and me was suspected of trying that. hahaha now councillor no more crazy shit like that yea.
oh yea speaking of councillorship i threw away the very good article about Council results and how friends who got in and friends who didn't felt very awkward. but i still love shuli! you rock.
Yea Grace's father gave me 3 weeks worth of stuff but i know that that's only because he trusts me to do well. So i must practise. And Grace, I found alot of stuff which i will show you next lesson. I must practise piano also. I wanna be able to play Ordinary People. Sian. How long will that take? Grace took 13 years to learn till Grade 8. I might die by the time i'm done.
And now i'm back here. My father thinks i'm going around killing people or getting drunk and having sex while high on crack or something. My mum too. Look at my fucking schedule? I didn't even have time to eat and they think i'm wasting my life outside? What the fuck la these are the worse parents ever. They don't even listen to you. I don't give a shit anymore i'll purposely stay out damn late just to piss them off. They don't even bother to understand what i'm going through. You know my mum? I ask her to pay for my swimming lessons (yes i'm considering) then she say no say guitar lessons better. then she call me during Grace's dad's lesson i tell her i having guitar lesson she tell me not to take. WHAT THE FUCK! she's such a dick head.
But, this is gonna sound hypocritically, i don't know how to ask my mum for the laptop.
ah shit. i just chased my sister away in a fit of anger because I was pissed because i thought daniel was being stubborn and put an Othello reh during my jazz. And Grace just told me her father told her not to teach me anymore piano... WTH. I still want to learn.
Oh and Crush, i haven't spoken to you. Last night, Hui Zhen invaded my blogger and posted that. In fact, after last night, where a supposed confession took place and arrangement for date took place, i thought about you even more. I'll see you tomorrow, i will be glad while you are with me, but after that I will feel sad. CRUSH. crush. I miss you bad. i want to be with you. maybe because my mind is filled with a thousand and one things, but after i see you tomorrow it'll be only you.
and though it's not a fantasy i still want you to stay. I'm not a happy man. Hi ZY.
IM A HAPPY MAN
crush talked to me, or rather, i talked to her, technically. for once i smiled and laughed genuinely!
not emo-ing...
hey HZ don't angry leh please. i really cannot tell you who Crush is. i won't die one day... i'll take care. just chill please.
See Crush what you're doing to me? Everyone is worried about me because of you. And the worst thing is you're bringing hell to me without even knowing it. your chat window is open here, and i'm hoping you'd talk to me, but no. i'm expecting no. not even a "hey what're you doing now".
but today i'm a little less emo. alot actually. because i haven't seen you in a while. I know, or rather i speculate, that i might fall in love with you again the next time i see you, but right now i'm feeling less of the withdrawal. maybe i just need somebody to love.
thanks to all who showed me concern.
ok today i got to get around to doing things. tonight at 7.00 pm Ben Xinyi and HuiZhen (who is pissed because she thinks i don't trust her... it's not that sia) are coming over so i need to get things done by then. They want to watch 300.
HX is my fitness motivation! haha i also don't know why, but the way he's so on about fitness makes me wanna do good too. i'm gonna start my 100s again. Oh 100s mean that everyday that i have yet to do any physical activity, I will do a 100 of one exercise. For as far as i can see that is going to be pull-ups for a long time so that i can pass my napfa. sian. and also sports. right now i'm doing quite an amount of basketball. looking for more... anyone who wants to do sports and haven't a kahkee, i'm available!
they say i like shuli?
bye bye.
a pretty good friday to me.
can't find your blog, huizhen.
today was pretty fun. hung out with shane and played ball and mugged at Mac's. Fun yet productive that's good. I found out that the movie rental store doesn't have Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance. I need to find it. I want another bball session this week. and i need to start training pull-ups! shit.
And the computer games store has a couple of pretty good games, but i'm not sure which to buy cuz i don't exactly know how fun they would be. I mean good as in the idea of the blurb. i guess i'll just go to Bishan library and borrow!
Crush... the more I don't see you, the more i know that the next time i do i will fall in love all over again. I just can't deal with the fact that you're so smitten by the older guys yet you don't give a hoot about me. It's not fair. I know who you are. You want to go out with ZY? Why? Crush i really like you... Even though easier-to-get people present themselves, i still like you. You just taking me closer and closer to insanity. Again, so many things i wanted to say to you but i don't remember no more. I totally didn't listen to emo music or trance music, so i'm still using work to drown you out, but... yea, i can't deal with you not liking me. sigh.
you are so oblivious.
Ok i have to bia work. Thank god (literally) for this holiday, now i feel like i'm catching up with what I need to do. See ya.
Crush... I hate having nothing to say to you anymore. In the past you sent me messages every night... I got to see your name in my inbox every night. That was nice. Now everytime i hear the ringing of my phone i'm hoping it is you. Or at least, talk to me cheerily like you did that night. i liked that.
I'm incoherent. Crush you don't know me.
amendments to last post
whoa i just showered and re-read the last post... it was full of incoherent stuff. Thank god i cleared it up. Any other incoherence originates therefore from the brain. What i removed was what resulted from half-closed eyes.
closer than ever.
Council fun! We had fun at council playing murderer and being drama. Xiong sort-of-in-a-way eventually joined us. ZY and Sabby are still avoiding the whole thing all together (though Sabby is pretty happy she's in love with him). Then some of us went and celebrated Wei Shan's birthday, which was fun cuz we sat there and crapped for damn long and i only reached home like now (1.31 am). They're at Shruti's house, where there is a beach. I got to get a ride from Steffi's dad... He drives a way cool car!
Oh and i had a flashback to when me, meiyi, kahlini (sp?), sherry and shihao were at East Coast Beach, and Shi Hao was like loning between kahlini and sherry and me and meiyi. instead of those people, it was steffi and dao jie on my left, and xian jie and shi hua on my right...
Meiyi, are you doing fine?
One thing which i learn today is that I cannot judge people anymore. Like, i am unable to read them anymore. this may be a side effect of the Polar Bear games we played today... Too much suspicion.
Hi Crush. I really, really don't know what to do anymore. It seems to me like you like them older cooler guys more. Immediately switching to their p.o.v. Agreeing with them. Basically, 'sucking up' to them. Today was the closest we've ever been (we had skin contact!) and all the time we were hanging out at Esplanade i was wishing i could have you by my side to enjoy the moon and the night sky together. But you... you are so damn ambiguous. There was so much I wanted to say to you since school today but it's all forgotten. Do you like me too or not? Don't let me guess in misery. But with grace to your judgement, my decision is based on my own careful consideration. Right now another person is between us, and this person is giving more hope than you're giving me right n ow. My Want-therefore-Lose and Don't-Want-therefore-Don't Care theory worked. I love you. I'm just wishing i could hold your hand. You talk to my friend and tell her everything just because she's next to you. Shit. I want you talking to me.
I really need a drink. An alcoholic one. To get away. You know Crush? I either plunge myself into work, or i get high on trance music. Either i can't face this Crushing face-on as Jun Wei says or... I can't. I'll try, but i can't. You're too beautiful. I love you.
respite from emo.
is respite even a word? is it used correctly?
today... was a little less emo. maybe because i kept running around and had little time to stop and think about Crush. maybe it was because of the slack time i had with YH to go buy his mortal's present. maybe it's because i have nathan hartono and elliott yamin's new albums.
but thinking back about today... everytime i see you you make me feel sick. you make me feel like i'll never be good enough. close yet not close. it's like bringing me on a high then dropping me over and over again. i see you hanging out normally with others... why not me? am i not part of the cool crowd that's why? i liked the way you were last night.
huizhen thanks for the concern. don't show me too much attention cuz i scared i am acting or even sub-conciously emo-ing for others to see only. i need to figure this out on my own first. but thanks alot.
and meiyi too... thanks for the letter. i've always wanted to write you a letter too... but i'm so busy i never get around to writing it. i'll try to write one to you now. i think the sticker is very nice. and... i'm not someone you wanna worry/emo about la.
Crush, you read his blog, not mine.
Ok today i feel a little better. I think the Hawk Nelson song is the song i play to remind me of Crush, so i'll just keep listening to it. I emo when i have the time. Right now, since I have the time and energy, and tomorrow being lecture day, and friday's photoshoot being cancelled (woohoo!), i will try to chiong alot of things. my current commitments are:
1. Lit Week
2. College Play (Assistant Director for Rough for Theatre II -- go Rahul & Steffi!)
3. Jazz Concert
4. Council
My end of year plans include:
1. Andrea, Serene and Hongxiu Trip
2. ISLE trip
3. ACRES/WILD party
4. Orientation '08 stuff
Hmm i will bia. I think i'm doing fine with my workload.
Oh and sorry jon i'll get you the coffee tomorrow.
Bia tonight! Save tomorrow for slacking. Should i pon yet another lesson of french and go for council meeting? Cuz i really wanna hang out with them.
See ya. Less emo tonight. Maybe more later if Crush talks to me.
council results, crush.
it's the most emo of many recent days. i'm on the verge of killing myself. 101 thoughts ran through my head as i took the bus home... sorry shu and chloe. i think i might be convincing myself to be emo, but... in any case, i am dying right now. i hate life. i really can't take much more.
First things first, Shuli.... How're you doing? I know you're a strong woman and you'll deal with it... but right now forgive me for feeling emo about you. I really wanted you in and in fact, like i said, you were the most deserving of all of us. there is much more ahead of you in RJ really, just continue to work hard and pursue whatever you want to. It's not like i'm going to not see you anymore, but surely meeting you every morning (at least) would have been great. I'll miss you loads. Like all the crapshit we've put in together. all the time we laugh and laugh at junwei and mel. and other stuff. it's not gonna be as fun now that we don't have an excuse to hang out...
I wanna give you a song. Today i was singing as we walked out of school. Christ I'll really miss you. Dammit. I'll upload it into the faves section. Not that it's really goodbye, but... Yea i just thought it was rather appropriate.
Natalie Imbruglia - Goodbye
VERSE
Everydays the same, I feel them merge
I try to separate, resist the urge
But they tell me Ill be fine
That it will all get better
Just try to write it down
Or put it in a letter
CHORUS
But the words wont play
And theres no easy way to say
Goodbye, Goodbye
VERSE
Keep my head on straight and dont-
look down
With all Ive pushed away Im losing
ground
But they tell me Ill be fine
That it will all get better
Just try to write it down
Or put it in a letter
CHORUS
But the words wont play
And theres no easy way to say
Goodbye, Goodbye
MIDDLE
And from the sidelines
Watch me fall down
VERSE
And I dont understand the things I do
But Ill probably be fine
As long as I keep moving
Ill try to write it down
So things just keep improving
Still the words wont play
Cause theres no easy way to say
Goodbye, Goodbye
Don't forget us. We won't forget you. You're amazing.
Now, crush. I said you'd make me cry right? Today you almost did, if not for the presence of Chloe and Shu.
There was so much I had to say about you. Like how you can't bloody see me when i'm so obvious? Like how you obviously cannot learn to love me because I'm not the sort who you like. Are you even reading this? You read others, but mine? I said i'll walk away but reality is... I can't! I can't. I just can't bloody turn away from how completely great you are. I might kill myself because of you, but i'll tell myself not to. Thank you ZY for being observant.
Tonight was perfect to think about you. I listened to this song (i've uploaded it too; i hope you download and listen) and watched the night sky. I've been looking for this feeling of night that I've been missing for so long, and I found it tonight. Beautiful moon. I don't know what more to say. FUCK WHY CAN'T YOU SEE?
I want to stab you. I tried to say goodbye but no... you just had to hold me back. why do you love him and not me? is it because he is already loved? am i just not good enough? let me know...
Hawk Nelson - Everything You Ever Wanted
I walk the line, leave it all behind
I've been waiting forever
Let's go back in time when I could read your mind
Still I've been waiting
It took the seasons going by to know it's not my fault
I tried to be perfect
Tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger
Tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you
It's been so long since you've been home
I used to wait up forever
I used to say a prayer, wishing you were there
I'm still waiting
You told me once you'd show up, but I fell for that before
I fell to pieces then I woke up to no one
Just a picture of Jesus and a house left in pieces
It took the seasons going by to know it's not my fault
I tried to be perfect
Tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger
Tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you
I want you, I need you, I want to believe you
I want you, I need you, I want to believe you
I tried to be perfect
Tried to be honest
Tried to be everything but you
I tried to be perfect
Tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger
Tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you
I tried to be perfect
Tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger
Tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you
You... you just don't get it. You don't. You come and show me how much you love him more than me. what the hell.
I don't know... I just feel like while others have people to comfort them, I totally cannot even let anyone know what I feel. My problems are my own to keep, like secrets, so I have to solve them myselves. and right now emo is all i can do before i slash my own wrists. i dunno how to get back to work. I wish i had someone to share my problems with but no! ARRGH.
shit i'm sorry. two songs for y'all to enjoy. crush you just... drive me crazy. you are... unreadable, to say the least. you play with me then the next you act like you cannot love me. i want to die.
good night.
and i'll probably be fine ; as long as i keep moving.
crush... crush... i realised i'm in a dilemma of you. one hand, wanting you will make me not have you. and not wanting you will make me treat having you as nothing. and i'm wanting you and i'm wanting to have you.
i've decided to walk away.
as much as i love you... i've decided as such. right now i'll bury myself with work so that i don't think about you anymore. but when i see you again (i hope), i will be reminded, but i will try to forget. right now, you are only a friend.
i will still love you.
My Crush.
i just wanna tell you that... i'm throwing myself into work so i can stop thinking about you.
you're just the best, but i can't have you.
newsreel is almost news from israel.
haha i like this system of Fall-Out Boy-esque nicks. irrelevant yet interesting.
today... wow it's like everyday Crush does something different. ever heard of a roller-coaster of emotions? well Crush is the operator in mine. hmm... i still can't read you. i think i'm a little too obvious, but i still can't read you. i lay on the floor today for 2 hours listening to emo songs, thinking about you. Add "Everything You Ever Wanted" - Hawk Nelson, "Stand" - George Huff, and "My World" - SR-71. Hi serene.
One day you'll make me cry... I think it'll be pretty soon.
Thank god for Joel Lee sending me "My Crush" - Nathan Hartono sometime back. It still talks to me about you, but it's kinda happy and upbeat. His voice is really nice nice.
So now that i'm (sort of) happy and upbeat, I have decided that I will get around to work. I was supposed to have Edith Piaf but in the end, no need to go. Shucks i really have to stop giving up my commitment to French Connection. In any case.... I will be working on my academia and miscellaneous school-related shit today.
how does one blog? it's like as I type there are a hundred and one things popping up in my mind that i feel like i have to say. then when i finish number one, i have to skip to number 42 cuz everything in between has been forgotten. and at number 73 u suddenly remember 33 but you ain't got no space/method of slotting it in anymore.... hahahaha how? doesn't it strike you that my posts are very full of disorganized thoughts? like a D- PW presentation or something.
I think i will go crazy one day. I'm kind of sure of it. This probably will cause me to kill someone one day (which i'm pretty sure of too). But this someone could be myself so yeah.
Crush, you're driving me there.... Sigh.
And also i was thinking that people like me it -is- a little too ambitious trying to blog. I mean, I have 1001 things running at the same time, and have the next 2002 waiting to be completed in the next day... as much as i love to spill my guts out onto this platform for random people to read, i can't help but imagine that i will stop. again.
My Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance download finally completed, finally worked, but turned out to be in espanol. Shucks! I got to find the DVD somehow. Anyone has please offer.
And did I mention I was singing spanish for Jazz Night? I think so. 20th April, 8pm (i think) at LT2. Do come and support my band!
Oh and I should send out the RJC Lit Week Recruitment Drive e-mail to people after this. If you're interested in being part of the RJC Lit Week (which really to me is a big big big thing), do come down to LT5 next wednesday at 1.30 to sign up. Please do they're lacking in manpower, but that's not to say any dept you're in would be boring. It's all very exciting. The people are fun too. And you know how cynical-old-me is hard on being excited. it takes alot.... and this has taken that. hahaha.
And Othello makes me speak good and high-class english. I was looking at videos on Youtube and it was quite funny. Some were hilarious. I need to ask Mr. Ng if i should do it in a naturalistic way or melodramatic.
Clinically Proven plug: Vote for Oh Jun Wei, Liang Shu Li, Mel Ho and me please. I cannot fathom how the student population would not benefit from having all of them in the Council. They really rock beyond anything and even though they are not the sort to be all prim & proper, they're the new generation of 'best' that all of you would want to see. want having in-charge of stuff. it really it's true. and for a judgemental guy like me i really really hold them in high regard. in fact i'm damn glad i'm in their group. they rock.
Finally I'm done ranting. So long sia. Crush I'll miss you.