"i don't think council is as clean... as a clean thing"
Hi all...Ok today is really really bad. As the people around me were cheering for the polo team i was thinking about suicide the whole time. Right now i'm not in a frame of mind to refute the fact that suicide is the best way out. but on with the day first.
today was fun, had alot of crapping and polo match support, which was pretty cool since we gave them a trashing. but it was the after that that was alot more fun, cuz yh and i met cat and tai boon and we crapped alot. we met cat's friends (hi kar hui, calvin/kelvin, and jun wei), and it was very fun cuz i never knew cat to be such a little sicko in her own right. now i have more crapping partners. and this jun wei is the 3rd jun wei i know now haha.
and here's a little quote by Tai Boon:
Me: So do you go around giving blowjobs?
Tai Boon: I don't -go around-....
then dinner with yh, and i'm here. i lost my school file on the way to CCAB and SBS won't pick up my calls... i'm very fretting now. it's one of those things that add to my "mental despair", as i refer to it with Mel Ho. i'm really going nutz. thanks to all who showed concern, really, and xiong for cheering me up, and whoever else. Thanks.
but i'm sorry, i can't help it. suicide is on my mind. i'm very tempted to just sit at my bed and contemplate suicide for a long time, but i have work. somebody -has- to do the right thing. today from morning until last lesson i was very extremely emo, because i saw you, Crush, and i just couldn't take it. i couldn't run my errands without feeling like being cemented into a wall. it's crazy. like i said the whole time at CCAB i just wanted to kill myself. right now i emo a little here it feels better.
ok i'm very afraid of being emo for attention... and there's no way i could know if i'm doing it. so if i seem like it tell me. but right now... the pain is quite some bomb.
Crush it's because of you. I cannot stop thinking about you. I love you so much, and i keep yearning for you to love me back. Please. Oh christ it's very impossible to try to balance you and the harsh workload i have everyday. I could die. Why, why do you come so near yet leave so far again? If i kill myself will you feel more than the little obligatory shock and sympathy? every morning i wake up i remind myself that no one in the world can know who you are, and that pains me cuz i can't share with anyone! I long to see you more, but i don't know what to do around you. I long to kill the people you rather hang out with than me. I love you, but the only way to have you is to not want you. It's crazy it drives me nutz and right now it's driving me almost to suicide. I would really like to take some pills and end my life right now. No wrist-sliciing, i can't take hurt.
I was right, eh? i was ok when i didn't see you, but now that i see you so much it's a high to be with you, a constant conundrum as to how to get close to you, but when i leave i keep realizing that maybe someday you could never try to love me, or realize i won't see you for another long time. knowing that i'm prone to being stupid, leaving my file behind or not being good at school work, it's doubly hard to have you in my mind as i do these works.
i really don't have any idea what to say. or do. i tried to cheer myself up, but you keep bringing me down. i miss you. i love you. i wish we could be together. you're the one person i need. please. oh fucking christ suicide on mind = not good at all.
love all. i hope i get out of it tonight.
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