where do i fit in?
life is an amazing thing. not so much amazing, as thoroughly unpredictable, completely defiant. where does pain fit in in the grand scale of things? or where does love fit in, for that matter?
sigh. i don't know what to think. i need another reason to live. it's getting tiring so far, especially you can't find a way to love the dude that lives within you.
where do i go.
a day where you think about the end.
that's today.
haha not completely relevant to the title post, though, I wanna talk about everything I have to do in a series starting at 1500h today:
1. Guitar lessons with Ding
2. Stayover with 4 people from T'aiwan
3. Gym tomorrow morning
4. Watching Twilight with Zhen Grace and Xinyi
5. Dinner with Mel
-.-" deep breaths.
In any case I think this is a very interesting video for anyone who can't think of Kelly Clarkson removing her top in public. Which she does in this video. Ok only the outer layer but she's drunk enough to let you change your opinion about her. And her boyfriend that dude from Yellowcard just looks like a loser unfortunately next to her. Are they still together?
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1704977
back from bintan.
It was a very very fun trip I must say, even though as Hwee Leong (or was it Sean) said the combination of people was kind of eclectic. I'm just going spam things that I remember from the trip, if you want to see pics go and see Facebook in Fiona's album!
BANANA! PEAR! ARLOW! snapjack. attempted takeover of the girls' room by the boys. chocolate key rings. ati, atong, and aji. dimardi and the tongkat ali. gunung bintan. falling down. waterfall! underwater camera. chink's chicken. personalised shuttle buses and the taxi rides. have to keep in contact forever. pasar oleh oleh. t-shirts that made us look like some sort of bintan staff. metro boys in the toilet. uncontrollable shower temperatures. chink's weird tea tree face wash. zhuang's "gao liao hor". zhuang and chink's "you say" game. saying "zhuangyi you say that girl never wear pants" in front of the girl! settling payment and zhuang doing his homework on the ride. chink's seasickness. the strong winds at the sea. bodyboarding. fear of jellyfish. the platform and the jumpshots! looking for fireflies at the beach. jeju restaurant. zhuang's constant lamentations about trekking and tanning and overcoming min min's fear of the dark. Scenario games: seaweed, seagull, sea-scooper, blind man on the trip. the three rascals: ryan reagan and reuben, plus parents Rebecca and Trevor. Mindchamps. Kayaking. Me and Minmin struggling to keep kayaking in a straight line. Fiona and chinks constantly taking a break. ryan wanting to paddle himself. the hermit crabs and the shells that reagan picked for us. volleyball, touch rugby, and catching in the pool (and dying for the last 2 games). toasty towels. aguss! poolside restaurant. letter from the neighbour telling us to stay as "thinly seperated" friends. mahjong in the room. zhuang looking into my shirt. lousy lousy ktv and weird drinks. chinks talking to rebecca the mother with a beer bottle behind him. kelong restaurant! blackout and our Happy Birthday song. me trying calamary and oyster. Calamary and Chese Burger! Food Court. The place behind the food court. Danish. lao po bing. freudian breasts. mouth/ear/brainspoils. Camp Able. The animals outside camp able. Breakfast: ham, mushroom and cheese or everything! thu-ree dollars for a bottle of water. the bird at the kelong restaurant.
Haha yea that was really spam just whatever came to my mind. Here's a few list:
OUR FAVOURITE QUESTIONS ON THE TRIP:
"Can it kill people?"
"How much is it?"
"Is it free?"
"Is it there and back?"
THE MOST 够了 (gao liao) THINGS ON THE TRIP:
Zhuang's "gao liao hor"
"Pear! Banana! Arlow!"
"You say..."
In all... I would say that I learnt quite a lot from these people la, like Chinks said. And it's really the company that makes or break a trip. I mean even the random touch rug game on the beach was really really fun cuz everyone was making it fun. Ahhh will miss them loads, and hope we can go ice-skating/mountain-climbing like we intend to soon!
In other news, I'm feeling super lazy today.
coolio vidios.
Here's a thought: if, say, an alien force came to earth and gave you the option of having a teleportation device that allowed you to get from one point to another faster but in return requires that 50,000 humans die a year, would you do it? No, right?
But that's what cars do. And here's a funny spin on that interesting thought:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1891117And here's an amazing graffiti work. Reminds me a lot of Lorraine's piece (as in medium not subject) at the art exhibition so someone should show her this:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1815721Ok got to pack.
dexter.
haha I just realised that my past few posts have started with the letter D. it'll be cool if I was planning some discreet code leading to a national secret but unfortunately, I am not.
Or am i? lol.
Anyway I just finished watching Dexter Season 2. Haha the last episode was kind of disappointing cuz it lacked the smarts that made me love the rest of the episodes, but still cheap thrills are thrills, right. Very very exciting last episode and the producers always seem to want to end it in that season. Good news is I know for a fact that there is a season 3, so I will look forward to what amazing storyline the scriptwriters can whip up. I mean, for a serial murderer (think Deathnote), the only 2 storylines are: 1, archnemesis who tries to destroy your life, or 2, almost getting caught. They've exhausted those two, can you think of anymore? Though I really like the way they weaved Lila into the story, though at the end of the day she turns out to be pretty much a plot device ya? Hmm.
But to pick up the philosophical thread, is what Dexter doing right? OK first a heads-up: Dexter is a serial killer who kills serial killer. Basically he looks for people who escape the law after having killed persons (one or many), and deals his own dose of gruesome, severing, bloody justice. Is he right? I say yes, but I can't say I would be able to refute any of the supporting arguments to the opposing point of view. What do you think?
hopefully season 3 would be good. oh and just to let you all know I'll be going to Bintan tomorrow with Chinks, Fiona, Zhuangyi, and Min Min. This trip would be very, very interesting imo haha we'll see. Will be back Wednesday. Till then!
pwnzy random outing day!
aww man zhen and xinyi thanks for your reassuring messages. sorry about not spending time with the class... that's actually one of my regrets as I am leaving RJ. But I also reassure myself that 6R has many random reasons to meet up right! Like grace told me to organise a dim sum outing with the class maybe i'll do just that. what'll i do without my friends.
today was PWNZY outing day, we went to Hotpot Culture that is behind Secret Recipe and behind Thai Express, which on first look seems like a terrible location but still the place enjoys a brisk business during lunchtime. However, I kind of echo the sentiments of the others when I say that it was not worth the money (though I must express that I haven't had the sort of porridge with dishes sort of meal in a looong time -- maybe i'll prepare it soon), but it was enjoyable. Not spectacular, but made for a decent meal. Would I recommend it? Not really, there are better choices.
And we did a lot of stupid things, and I brought them around the Suntec Area and showed them all the crazy things to do like the climb the structure just outside Millenia Walk.
Ahh luckily PWNZY is one group that would go out randomly in the future. Oh oh oh and we wrote on the balls that they toss into the river! Haha we took one big ball and we five just wrote on the whole thing haha damn fun.
alright gonna watch Dexter now. Mama exciting la pl0x now Sargeant (sp?) Doakes found Dexter's blood collection. And he's breaking up with his uber hot girlfriend :( .
delusions of mediocrity.
I just got back from an audition with this place called E-mage Artistes International. I don't know what to make of that place since i haven't much experience with these artiste management companies, but his unimpressive english skills, as well as the lack of souls in that dinghy studio (in spite of the fact that Sebastian kept referring to himself as 'we') were putting me off. In any case, I walked towards the building, expecting it to be a scam anyway.
Then as I took the lift up, I was thinking of how unprepared I was.
Then as I sat in the waiting area I couldn't stop telling myself that this was my one chance at a lucky break.
Then i screwed up the actual audition. My throat clammed up and I couldn't really sing Zhou Chuan Xiong's Nan Ren Hai Yang very well. In fact he told me I went off-key (oh the horror).
Well it's never nice to be rejected is it? Not in this case at least. The long, quiet ride home from the place gave room for emo to seep in. So I simply kept contemplating how mediocre I was. But really think about it: what's gonna differentiate you from the person sitting next to you on the train? Or the hundreds and hundreds of people that are constantly in motion, even in our small tiny island Singapore?
I guess it boils down to identity? Like how everyone is searching to find out who they really are. I don't have an answer to that. Haha I actually got on this train of thought after watching Dexter who is trying, in Season 2, to find a new identity and stuffs like that. Have you ever wondered what makes you you? The closest I get to that is that I like gory movies. But that's lame, and I sure as hell don't want to use that as my defining quality.
I also tend to compare myself with others, but today was compounded by the earlier failed audition. It's scary cuz if we had a life portfolio that we showed in order to validate ourselves, other people would have at least one thing to put in there. I don't. Even the "crowning glory" that everyone defines me with -- singing -- doesn't really sit well. I'm not that great a singer really. Like Sebastian at EAI said, there are a lot of people who can sing in Singapore. Not to mention the world.
I must admit that my list of "i'm nots" far far exceeds the list of "i ams". I'm not good-looking. I'm not a great talker. I'm not a great listener. I'm not the ladies man. I'm not rich. I'm not endowed with mystical fashion skills... All I have are some unbased judgemental attitudes that, while seem to serve as a shield from my own insecurities, aggravates that exact problem when I'm not looking. Even the "jack of all trades" that I sold myself to be in my actual portfolio (the one we submit to the school) inspires a not-so-great afterthought. Napoleon Hill said in his book that Jack of all trades are seldom good at anything. Great.
In any case, I've just got to pull myself out of mediocrity. I hate it, especially after realising that all these years the thoughts that kept me going, even though sub-conscious, were those in which I was convinced I would achieve something great in the future. I guess that's what the Raffles brand name does to you, right? Haha some might even be bold enough to say that's what drives us to be "elitist", as we so often are touted.
But first of all, before any shots at glory, three things to be done: shower, nap, and watch Apprentice UK on youtube. Bye bye.
day of decadence.
"It's a strange sensation to experience hope for the first time in my life, and then find myself weighing the benefits of electrocution against lethal injection. But that's where I am."
Dexter is a great great show, artful, intelligent, with the usual dose of great storyline. I love it i'm hooked.
Well, to take a modicum (learnt from Nick!) of speech from the man himself, it's a strange sensation to have drifted into an unfamiliar part of the ocean, hoping to be able to start anew here, and then realise that the past is always there to haunt you. But that's where I am.
Perhaps I can't say that the past is gone. Been talking about it with Mel Ho, with Shu, been thinking about it a lot as well. But what's flashing in my head now is something that I didn't even experience. I don't understand why it's sticking to my head like that. A imaginative scene in my head. That is killing me.
人世间情为何物? Like I was telling Weiting last night, this line is quite genius. For one, it expresses the futility of love, how it's but a concept, an ideal, an obsession with something abstract, that has driven people to die and to kill. How stupid it is for us humans to have invented something like this. In no other aspect does something so profoundly intangible have such a massive impact in our lives. On the other hand, this line also shows how futile it is to define that concept of love. What is love? I mean, of course there is the age old question, but when you "fall in love", how are you supposed to know it?
I thought I knew it. I still think so. I don't want it to be any other way but what can I say of it but jealousy? Or as shuli puts it, idolatry?
i still love.
