delusions of mediocrity.

I just got back from an audition with this place called E-mage Artistes International. I don't know what to make of that place since i haven't much experience with these artiste management companies, but his unimpressive english skills, as well as the lack of souls in that dinghy studio (in spite of the fact that Sebastian kept referring to himself as 'we') were putting me off. In any case, I walked towards the building, expecting it to be a scam anyway.

Then as I took the lift up, I was thinking of how unprepared I was.

Then as I sat in the waiting area I couldn't stop telling myself that this was my one chance at a lucky break.

Then i screwed up the actual audition. My throat clammed up and I couldn't really sing Zhou Chuan Xiong's Nan Ren Hai Yang very well. In fact he told me I went off-key (oh the horror).

Well it's never nice to be rejected is it? Not in this case at least. The long, quiet ride home from the place gave room for emo to seep in. So I simply kept contemplating how mediocre I was. But really think about it: what's gonna differentiate you from the person sitting next to you on the train? Or the hundreds and hundreds of people that are constantly in motion, even in our small tiny island Singapore?

I guess it boils down to identity? Like how everyone is searching to find out who they really are. I don't have an answer to that. Haha I actually got on this train of thought after watching Dexter who is trying, in Season 2, to find a new identity and stuffs like that. Have you ever wondered what makes you you? The closest I get to that is that I like gory movies. But that's lame, and I sure as hell don't want to use that as my defining quality.

I also tend to compare myself with others, but today was compounded by the earlier failed audition. It's scary cuz if we had a life portfolio that we showed in order to validate ourselves, other people would have at least one thing to put in there. I don't. Even the "crowning glory" that everyone defines me with -- singing -- doesn't really sit well. I'm not that great a singer really. Like Sebastian at EAI said, there are a lot of people who can sing in Singapore. Not to mention the world.

I must admit that my list of "i'm nots" far far exceeds the list of "i ams". I'm not good-looking. I'm not a great talker. I'm not a great listener. I'm not the ladies man. I'm not rich. I'm not endowed with mystical fashion skills... All I have are some unbased judgemental attitudes that, while seem to serve as a shield from my own insecurities, aggravates that exact problem when I'm not looking. Even the "jack of all trades" that I sold myself to be in my actual portfolio (the one we submit to the school) inspires a not-so-great afterthought. Napoleon Hill said in his book that Jack of all trades are seldom good at anything. Great.

In any case, I've just got to pull myself out of mediocrity. I hate it, especially after realising that all these years the thoughts that kept me going, even though sub-conscious, were those in which I was convinced I would achieve something great in the future. I guess that's what the Raffles brand name does to you, right? Haha some might even be bold enough to say that's what drives us to be "elitist", as we so often are touted.

But first of all, before any shots at glory, three things to be done: shower, nap, and watch Apprentice UK on youtube. Bye bye.

posted by wei @ 4:43 PM