YTWISILU = <3?
I just had a not very pleasant conversation with YTWISILU last night, and sent a message.
YTWISILU, something is wrong... You don't say 'I love you' anymore. Not even 'I love you too'. What happened please tell me... I'm trying like hell to not think about you. And perhaps my loving you is putting you off? Whatever it is just tell me. I hope to god that it's me and it's not you, cuz if it's me, I can change!
Somehow i think that i've put up the situation for you to leave me. But... if there's someplace else that makes you happier (or someone else), I guess i want you there. Somewhere which you are sure you're happy at. I couldn't think of you leaving me earlier on but now, i can't ignore the signs... Am I being paranoid? It'll make me so darn fucking sad but I guess i need to let you go... But i will never make that decision. Cuz I'm still in love with you and i will never choose to leave you. But if you do, then what can I say?
shan't say anymore, I don't know, I'm afraid that somehow this gives you more reason to leave me. It pains me to love you, but give me pain, give me 10 000 ulcers, i don't care. I still do. You're the best.
Emo-ing sucks. It cripples you. I can't work. And I got a hundred million things to do....
sweltering heat. oppressive.
first post title with 2 full stops in it (i think).
and yea it really is mad hot these days. Weiyuan said the other day that this is the dry season. Well, I just hope that it passes really soon cuz it's very very warm and it's making my ulcers worse. Have I told y'all about the ulcers? 5 bloody ulcers in my mouth and it's driving me nuts. I have porridge as lunch in front of me (haha my maid added ham to it interesting) and i can hardly eat without wincing in pain. Oh please someone save me... Any possible remedy I am glad to try it.
later i'm going to doctor to get MC, and hopefully some ulcer medication. Please pray for my mouth.
why am i blogging less now? I think there are 3 reasons. 1, is because I've been mother busy and this week whole week i will be home only after 9 (yes, even the weekends)... And it's very very tiring. I'm actually giving up alot of opportunities in RJ like Jazz performances, CIP projects (junda's Bendemeer Kids) and stuff... And cuz i settled myself down for those long-term commitments like Othello. I mean, I'm not complaining, but I'm afraid i'm pissing people off/letting people down in terms of responsiblity and work capability. My grades, or rather my study attitude in class, is suffering and i've not lived up to my responsibilities. Sorry Lynnette for leaving you with all the work for dance comm. Sian. 2, is because I have buddy book to write in! Kristel and I write like whole essays in that book and we talk a lot. I think our book is darn cool! But it kinda gets hard to keep track of what to reply to. 3, is because I'm happier now. I think. The only worries plaguing me are my studies. In a big way anyway.
YTWISILU is sorely missed. I miss everything we did together! I love you very very much and i like where our relationship is going. You're so sweet.
So... right now in my life i'm trying to get back the Superman worker i was in Sec 4. So i'm slowly bringing in more discipline in the plans i make and keeping to deadlines. Hopefully i'll cope better.
Still thinking of YTWISILU.
one hell of a weekend.
haha sorry i hadn't blogged in such a long time... last week i was kinda busy, and the weekends i didn't even return home! haha had two stayovers, and tonnes of activities all day long. Friday: Match Support until evening, then went to friend's house. then Saturday: morning, High Five tea session, afternoon Class IMH Learning Journey, night Marvin's party, then went to friend's house. Sunday: stoned at friend's house until 3, then Vibe@DXO, then Xinyi mini-party.
haha above is like a short summary before i start my super long essay about what happened... i didn't go home for like 60+ hours? but it wasn't 72. so almost 3 days. BUT before i start my essay...
YTWISILU WHERE ARE YOU! I know you're tired with training... but i really really really miss you so bad. especially after what happened. i don't know it's like you can dao so well in school that it's almost like it's real... and it kinda scares me? cuz everytime i see you i want to hug you and kiss you. it's really bad, it's gotten way worse since the weekends and i simply miss you so bad. so bad. but now you don't come online and i can't talk to you except for the short SMS conversations we have... (again the fear of tagginess arises) and it's worse when we meet cuz all i can do is stare at your pretty face, your pretty face i love so so much you are so beautiful i mean like you are so wonderful person and looks and all and then i don't know what to say. make a joke about you to another person you look at the other person only. i really really hope you realises how much this boy here is in love with you, and think about me more... Cuz i think about you every chance i get it's quite nerve-wracking. And i really really hope that what's between us is more than what happened THAT NIGHT. you get what i'm saying? i really really hope so because i'm scared! i'm already yours! you could do anything you wanted and i can hardly refuse you... i love you + i miss you x 10000000. [so much more to write but i's a mess of tangled strings in my chest.]
Crush... um, you ain't YTWISILU.
ok. actually right haha there are alot of things that happened in those two days i described above. hmm. haha i post a video of the most memorable thing (hi clyde and a.j. of New York New York if you're reading this) haha it was so funny. lol.
i miss YTWISILU.
miss YTWISILU lots.
YTWISILU is killing me. win.
alot of things, maybe in retrospect i'll talk about them but not now, cuz i got work to do and dinner infront of me to finish lol. ok see ya.
miss you YTWISILU. tonnes.
weird weird day.
today was kind of tiring. it was a gloomy day and rather stone, but i could get by on adrenaline. why was i so tired? because the night before i had 2 cups of tea with the satchet milked to the... leaf capillaries? i don't know. and it's funny cuz i'm drinking tea now as well, cuz i have quite a bit of work tonight. i'm waiting (hoping) that YTWISILU would appear tonight... i hadn't talked much with her today. but i left a confession on her MSN window haha.
mm. match support is fun stuff! i never knew i'd be so on, especially when I was falling asleep before the squash match started? haha i was, in the words of muhd, "animated". haha does anyone see a CCAD-er ahead? and then after the netball match (which we pwned too) we played netball and kind of pissed off Jerik and so, sorry Jerik haha. and during the Netball it was quite fun becuase i made a few dirty jokes and the coach of SAJC was being really fired up and angry and shouting like nutz, reprimanding his players? then he passed on the evil to his star player captain, who started shouting at the players too. too spoilt by her coach the RJ coach says. hmm i wish i could have taped it down.
YTWISILU i love you! actually i wish to write alot more but the caffeine from the tea hasn't kicked in yet so i'm not in a thinking mood haha.
umm... jealousy.
hmm today was a fun day somewhat. but like yesterday sudden rush of emo appeared as it closed.
BB councillors (or at least some of us) went to KBOX! haha this is the first time they gave us like 2 hours more for the same price... Quite fun. We sang alot of songs but that's only because we cut the songs halfway.
then we watched Spiderman. i didn't like it that much because maybe i was expecting alot (though i didn't watch Spiderman 2). i mean the whole fighting with himself thing is cool but the whole movie just didn't hold together well. like the way the villains were so easily defeated. c'mon, venom is way more powerful than that?
then the BB councillors and the little bit of Ocomm went for dinner. quite fun (as i went being crazy again in Swensens) but a few problems too. hmm i'm not sure what to be around Sabby. she kinda scares me. hmm. and then i danced Para, but got totally owned by Isaac and that girl who was dancing before me maybe? haha but it was fun. i hate dancing when people are watching me.
hmm had a tonne of things to say about ytwisilu... but since we had a talk, i have nothing left. i'm so glad we had that talk.
got work to bia. night night.
happy day but unexpected surprises.
haha today was the happiest day for me in a looong looong time. I felt alot of burden off my back and that suddenly everything was shining bright. why?
1. I kinda pwned Chem SPA. 3 titrations, close to perfect technique, great values, finished all questions, and still had time to wash apparatus. haha.
2. Tomorrow (or rather today) is a holiday! yay!
3. YTWISILU liked the card.
4. Our College Play is finally sold out.
5. Wang Ting tells me that I currently have the most CIP hours amongst the whole cast of Othello.
and a number of other things. I was skipping around the school... But I kinda burned out by Othello rehearsal with Darren. I mean we were reciting lines and I fell asleep maybe? haha. then got super high in CR, then died again during Elections. I didn't even get nominated... But i'm fine la, minor setback cannot put me off the happy mood. Actually I suddenly had second thoughts during the wait, and wanted to pull out, so perhaps this is a blessing in disguise (i wasn't sure I wanted the commitment).
but it opened me up to two things about myself.
one, that I am kind of idealistic. I really am. I think perhaps it is because of a dreamer personality that longs for something better? Some new situation where I feel good and can love myself (hi shu)? Yea... I always think of future circumstances. Like today the Council Elections I even prepared a script waay before welfareD came into the picture... Now I think of it quite dumb right? And I always dream of what would happen between me and YTWISILU, but as john legend says,
i think we should take it slow. i'm trying to be less dreamy and seeing the current pragmatic picture.
two, that I've lost the mature personality of primary school. it's funny I get less mature as I grow, but I remember telling myself that I don't want to lose my childhood so quickly... Cuz before we know it we'll be old and have many more things to take care we won't have time for innocence like the good old times. I mean look at this year, without a word 5 years have zoomed right on... I think I'll cry as I watch the j2s leave. I remember Sherry telling me that last time in p6 she used to think that me and my gang were waay more mature than the rest of them, and I also remember someone saying that right now I act like a Primary 3 kid. haha is this a good thing?
surprises:
1. you asked me for my number? I don't get it.
2. Random people disgusting me at elections.
3. no I love you before you go?
I decided to use my
How to Get Cool Grades without Losing Your Reputation as A Really Cool Person. I really like that book, it helps me alot haha. tomorrow got kbox and Spidey 3 movie outing with BB Councillors kinda excited. and I'm very tired now sorry for irregular posting.
Good Night.