how suicide starts.

emo-ness warning.

Sigh. I'm sitting here, in the dark, except for the light coming from my screen. I want to go for a run, to think about things, to have some time alone, but I have work. Alot of work.

And today was not a fun one either. Everyday is starting to lose its meaning for me. Today, CLE was a difficult lesson to get through because everyone was saying and cat-calling when I had any form of connection with Mr. Chuah. That simple one hour, was enough to just ruin any friendship that I could have had with him. It's not as simple as a homosexual love, in fact it's not even that, but... there's so much in my life and thoughts that he has brought with his entrance, and it's really affecting me in a bad way. to all of you who think I do... well. sigh. i don't, that's all I can say. I'm just teetering on the edge of this madness that all of you are driving me into.

and not just because of that incident. i just simply realised today, how alone I am. I don't mind being alone when I am, but not when everyone else isn't around. lunch was especially depressing, when I simply stopped and examined myself. and I was alone.

i don't feel like there's anyone i can turn to. really. I mean, i feel very, very blessed to have people like YH, Mrs. Ong, etc. showing concern, but I still feel so alone. I don't feel like I have anyone. I think that's not what is killing me, but the feeling. I'm sure that many people around me have exactly the same amount of friendship interaction, but don't feel as bad as I do. I don't know why.

I went for a walk yesterday night, from my house to the overhead bridge and back. aimlessly. Do you realise that we are always running? The next time you are feeling stressed out, take a walk out and enjoy the fresh air, and the only hard thinking you have should be what the path be like. don't rush it. you be surprised at how much of our lives we are running around, or going somewhere, even to home, to a friend's house... we move, because of a reason. can't we have no reason for once, give some time to yourself and walk?

People around me are happy, while I am sad. I am feeling really, really depressed right now. i'm not in the position to give any logic cuz i'm not thinking. I need help for once. It's so difficult to know how alone a person can be in the world.

I feeling going for a run now. I'm back to know time for myself, cuz i have a fucking big load of work waiting. i just feel... if i died, no one would care or be devastated (except my family). I thought about how it would feel to fall from the top and while the image of my skull splashing open, i think about how guilty I can make the people who never gave a shit about me. it's about revenge. but, i can't do it.

i need, really need. i really need someone to love, and to love me.

posted by wei @ 10:42 PM