) surviving life;

where do i fit in?

2009-01-12T21:53:00.002+08:00

life is an amazing thing. not so much amazing, as thoroughly unpredictable, completely defiant. where does pain fit in in the grand scale of things? or where does love fit in, for that matter?

sigh. i don't know what to think. i need another reason to live. it's getting tiring so far, especially you can't find a way to love the dude that lives within you.

where do i go.

a day where you think about the end.

2008-12-21T12:34:00.002+08:00

that's today.

haha not completely relevant to the title post, though, I wanna talk about everything I have to do in a series starting at 1500h today:

1. Guitar lessons with Ding
2. Stayover with 4 people from T'aiwan
3. Gym tomorrow morning
4. Watching Twilight with Zhen Grace and Xinyi
5. Dinner with Mel

-.-" deep breaths.

In any case I think this is a very interesting video for anyone who can't think of Kelly Clarkson removing her top in public. Which she does in this video. Ok only the outer layer but she's drunk enough to let you change your opinion about her. And her boyfriend that dude from Yellowcard just looks like a loser unfortunately next to her. Are they still together?

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1704977

back from bintan.

2008-12-19T13:06:00.002+08:00

It was a very very fun trip I must say, even though as Hwee Leong (or was it Sean) said the combination of people was kind of eclectic. I'm just going spam things that I remember from the trip, if you want to see pics go and see Facebook in Fiona's album!

BANANA! PEAR! ARLOW! snapjack. attempted takeover of the girls' room by the boys. chocolate key rings. ati, atong, and aji. dimardi and the tongkat ali. gunung bintan. falling down. waterfall! underwater camera. chink's chicken. personalised shuttle buses and the taxi rides. have to keep in contact forever. pasar oleh oleh. t-shirts that made us look like some sort of bintan staff. metro boys in the toilet. uncontrollable shower temperatures. chink's weird tea tree face wash. zhuang's "gao liao hor". zhuang and chink's "you say" game. saying "zhuangyi you say that girl never wear pants" in front of the girl! settling payment and zhuang doing his homework on the ride. chink's seasickness. the strong winds at the sea. bodyboarding. fear of jellyfish. the platform and the jumpshots! looking for fireflies at the beach. jeju restaurant. zhuang's constant lamentations about trekking and tanning and overcoming min min's fear of the dark. Scenario games: seaweed, seagull, sea-scooper, blind man on the trip. the three rascals: ryan reagan and reuben, plus parents Rebecca and Trevor. Mindchamps. Kayaking. Me and Minmin struggling to keep kayaking in a straight line. Fiona and chinks constantly taking a break. ryan wanting to paddle himself. the hermit crabs and the shells that reagan picked for us. volleyball, touch rugby, and catching in the pool (and dying for the last 2 games). toasty towels. aguss! poolside restaurant. letter from the neighbour telling us to stay as "thinly seperated" friends. mahjong in the room. zhuang looking into my shirt. lousy lousy ktv and weird drinks. chinks talking to rebecca the mother with a beer bottle behind him. kelong restaurant! blackout and our Happy Birthday song. me trying calamary and oyster. Calamary and Chese Burger! Food Court. The place behind the food court. Danish. lao po bing. freudian breasts. mouth/ear/brainspoils. Camp Able. The animals outside camp able. Breakfast: ham, mushroom and cheese or everything! thu-ree dollars for a bottle of water. the bird at the kelong restaurant.

Haha yea that was really spam just whatever came to my mind. Here's a few list:

OUR FAVOURITE QUESTIONS ON THE TRIP:
"Can it kill people?"
"How much is it?"
"Is it free?"
"Is it there and back?"

THE MOST 够了 (gao liao) THINGS ON THE TRIP:
Zhuang's "gao liao hor"
"Pear! Banana! Arlow!"
"You say..."

In all... I would say that I learnt quite a lot from these people la, like Chinks said. And it's really the company that makes or break a trip. I mean even the random touch rug game on the beach was really really fun cuz everyone was making it fun. Ahhh will miss them loads, and hope we can go ice-skating/mountain-climbing like we intend to soon!

In other news, I'm feeling super lazy today.

coolio vidios.

2008-12-14T21:54:00.003+08:00

Here's a thought: if, say, an alien force came to earth and gave you the option of having a teleportation device that allowed you to get from one point to another faster but in return requires that 50,000 humans die a year, would you do it? No, right?

But that's what cars do. And here's a funny spin on that interesting thought:

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1891117

And here's an amazing graffiti work. Reminds me a lot of Lorraine's piece (as in medium not subject) at the art exhibition so someone should show her this:

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1815721

Ok got to pack.

dexter.

2008-12-14T15:38:00.002+08:00

haha I just realised that my past few posts have started with the letter D. it'll be cool if I was planning some discreet code leading to a national secret but unfortunately, I am not.

Or am i? lol.

Anyway I just finished watching Dexter Season 2. Haha the last episode was kind of disappointing cuz it lacked the smarts that made me love the rest of the episodes, but still cheap thrills are thrills, right. Very very exciting last episode and the producers always seem to want to end it in that season. Good news is I know for a fact that there is a season 3, so I will look forward to what amazing storyline the scriptwriters can whip up. I mean, for a serial murderer (think Deathnote), the only 2 storylines are: 1, archnemesis who tries to destroy your life, or 2, almost getting caught. They've exhausted those two, can you think of anymore? Though I really like the way they weaved Lila into the story, though at the end of the day she turns out to be pretty much a plot device ya? Hmm.

But to pick up the philosophical thread, is what Dexter doing right? OK first a heads-up: Dexter is a serial killer who kills serial killer. Basically he looks for people who escape the law after having killed persons (one or many), and deals his own dose of gruesome, severing, bloody justice. Is he right? I say yes, but I can't say I would be able to refute any of the supporting arguments to the opposing point of view. What do you think?

hopefully season 3 would be good. oh and just to let you all know I'll be going to Bintan tomorrow with Chinks, Fiona, Zhuangyi, and Min Min. This trip would be very, very interesting imo haha we'll see. Will be back Wednesday. Till then!

pwnzy random outing day!

2008-12-13T22:12:00.002+08:00

aww man zhen and xinyi thanks for your reassuring messages. sorry about not spending time with the class... that's actually one of my regrets as I am leaving RJ. But I also reassure myself that 6R has many random reasons to meet up right! Like grace told me to organise a dim sum outing with the class maybe i'll do just that. what'll i do without my friends.

today was PWNZY outing day, we went to Hotpot Culture that is behind Secret Recipe and behind Thai Express, which on first look seems like a terrible location but still the place enjoys a brisk business during lunchtime. However, I kind of echo the sentiments of the others when I say that it was not worth the money (though I must express that I haven't had the sort of porridge with dishes sort of meal in a looong time -- maybe i'll prepare it soon), but it was enjoyable. Not spectacular, but made for a decent meal. Would I recommend it? Not really, there are better choices.

And we did a lot of stupid things, and I brought them around the Suntec Area and showed them all the crazy things to do like the climb the structure just outside Millenia Walk.

Ahh luckily PWNZY is one group that would go out randomly in the future. Oh oh oh and we wrote on the balls that they toss into the river! Haha we took one big ball and we five just wrote on the whole thing haha damn fun.

alright gonna watch Dexter now. Mama exciting la pl0x now Sargeant (sp?) Doakes found Dexter's blood collection. And he's breaking up with his uber hot girlfriend :( .

delusions of mediocrity.

2008-12-12T16:43:00.002+08:00

I just got back from an audition with this place called E-mage Artistes International. I don't know what to make of that place since i haven't much experience with these artiste management companies, but his unimpressive english skills, as well as the lack of souls in that dinghy studio (in spite of the fact that Sebastian kept referring to himself as 'we') were putting me off. In any case, I walked towards the building, expecting it to be a scam anyway.

Then as I took the lift up, I was thinking of how unprepared I was.

Then as I sat in the waiting area I couldn't stop telling myself that this was my one chance at a lucky break.

Then i screwed up the actual audition. My throat clammed up and I couldn't really sing Zhou Chuan Xiong's Nan Ren Hai Yang very well. In fact he told me I went off-key (oh the horror).

Well it's never nice to be rejected is it? Not in this case at least. The long, quiet ride home from the place gave room for emo to seep in. So I simply kept contemplating how mediocre I was. But really think about it: what's gonna differentiate you from the person sitting next to you on the train? Or the hundreds and hundreds of people that are constantly in motion, even in our small tiny island Singapore?

I guess it boils down to identity? Like how everyone is searching to find out who they really are. I don't have an answer to that. Haha I actually got on this train of thought after watching Dexter who is trying, in Season 2, to find a new identity and stuffs like that. Have you ever wondered what makes you you? The closest I get to that is that I like gory movies. But that's lame, and I sure as hell don't want to use that as my defining quality.

I also tend to compare myself with others, but today was compounded by the earlier failed audition. It's scary cuz if we had a life portfolio that we showed in order to validate ourselves, other people would have at least one thing to put in there. I don't. Even the "crowning glory" that everyone defines me with -- singing -- doesn't really sit well. I'm not that great a singer really. Like Sebastian at EAI said, there are a lot of people who can sing in Singapore. Not to mention the world.

I must admit that my list of "i'm nots" far far exceeds the list of "i ams". I'm not good-looking. I'm not a great talker. I'm not a great listener. I'm not the ladies man. I'm not rich. I'm not endowed with mystical fashion skills... All I have are some unbased judgemental attitudes that, while seem to serve as a shield from my own insecurities, aggravates that exact problem when I'm not looking. Even the "jack of all trades" that I sold myself to be in my actual portfolio (the one we submit to the school) inspires a not-so-great afterthought. Napoleon Hill said in his book that Jack of all trades are seldom good at anything. Great.

In any case, I've just got to pull myself out of mediocrity. I hate it, especially after realising that all these years the thoughts that kept me going, even though sub-conscious, were those in which I was convinced I would achieve something great in the future. I guess that's what the Raffles brand name does to you, right? Haha some might even be bold enough to say that's what drives us to be "elitist", as we so often are touted.

But first of all, before any shots at glory, three things to be done: shower, nap, and watch Apprentice UK on youtube. Bye bye.

day of decadence.

2008-12-08T13:27:00.002+08:00

"It's a strange sensation to experience hope for the first time in my life, and then find myself weighing the benefits of electrocution against lethal injection. But that's where I am."

Dexter is a great great show, artful, intelligent, with the usual dose of great storyline. I love it i'm hooked.

Well, to take a modicum (learnt from Nick!) of speech from the man himself, it's a strange sensation to have drifted into an unfamiliar part of the ocean, hoping to be able to start anew here, and then realise that the past is always there to haunt you. But that's where I am.

Perhaps I can't say that the past is gone. Been talking about it with Mel Ho, with Shu, been thinking about it a lot as well. But what's flashing in my head now is something that I didn't even experience. I don't understand why it's sticking to my head like that. A imaginative scene in my head. That is killing me.

人世间情为何物? Like I was telling Weiting last night, this line is quite genius. For one, it expresses the futility of love, how it's but a concept, an ideal, an obsession with something abstract, that has driven people to die and to kill. How stupid it is for us humans to have invented something like this. In no other aspect does something so profoundly intangible have such a massive impact in our lives. On the other hand, this line also shows how futile it is to define that concept of love. What is love? I mean, of course there is the age old question, but when you "fall in love", how are you supposed to know it?

I thought I knew it. I still think so. I don't want it to be any other way but what can I say of it but jealousy? Or as shuli puts it, idolatry?

i still love.

end of it all.

2008-12-05T12:43:00.003+08:00

wow we're at the last step in this road. it's like the whole j2 batch is standing at this crossroad. Some of us exchanging numbers, some of us telling the others where we'd be headed after this, some of us embracing our last hugs and other merely hugging. It's so scary that the roads we are walking off on seem to stretch on into nothing. We simply can't see what's at the other end. But one thing's for sure, the roads head on in every possible different direction, and will diverge for miles before they even meet (if they ever do).

it's so flabbergasting how easy this seperation was. and it's for this precise reason that I can't seem to grasp this gnawing regret or whatever it is in me. Like i've been telling everyone the final point of our RJC life has been inundated by the numerous things happening in this period -- Prom, trips, outings, applications, and most notably As. It's like we were forced to ignore the seperation, led to believe that we weren't really doing so, up until it was too late and all we can do is take photos and pretend that these photos represent our friendships.

But i think my biggest pain is that we never realised what it took for friendships/relationships to take root. I thank God for the ones that I have established and I cherish (not gonna name names so I won't leave out anyone), but the rest... Lost chances, to say the least. Do I regret not developing the little links I have the people I have met in RJC? Yes, definitely. I should have taken every chance to try and make a great friend, but I didn't.

Having said all that, I am thankful for all the people in my life in this time, and I wanna hug all of you for making my RJ life so frickin' interesting. I won't say goodbye, cuz I really want to see all of you again. And call me ignorant, but I'll hang on to that thread of a hope that we will all meet up again. All of us.

no mugging.

2008-11-13T00:14:00.002+08:00

arrgh damn pissed. about the tenants. please please pray for me for them to leave.

didn't mug today. mostly played and show people how to play World of Goo. It's a chao fun game for your post As enjoyment, just pm me on MSN and i'll send it to you.

here are some videos:

Funny -- Yoga Class (my favorite is the harmonisation or whatever part)
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1816033

Disgusting -- This woman interviewing Keegan Kang, if you know him. It is so bad i want to punch her. Why does she have a website?
http://www3.ntu.edu.sg/sci/showcase/interview_keegankang.htm

semi-Post As.

2008-11-11T17:59:00.004+08:00

It's a very odd feeling, to sit in the Council Room and realise that despite everyone who is there, there isn't anyone to talk to. Because they're mugging Econs. And it's inconceivable that time can pass so slowly in a house watching Iron Man than it does mugging for an exam. I hope everyone did well for Econs though.

Yep I'm back.

And Iron Man is pretty good... But I don't think it deserves a rating of 93% on Rotten Tomatoes. I feel like watching another movie tonight haha.

Hmm but it really is a daunting first step. I was telling Ngiam the other night that our end, that is to say of JC, is so anticlimatic. So damped by the As that we don't realise that really, in about a week or so we won't have an excuse to come back anymore. That means bye to some people you've seen for 6 years and will never see again. That means your juniors will not see you as frequently as they do (in my case as many would know is very frequently). It's just... unbelievable. I remember in primary 6, the devastation that came to our worlds when 5k/6k realised that the end was nearing... And I must say 5K/6K was an awesome class, though i'm not entirely sure of the point of that. In any case, I'm afraid. Terribly afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone into this world. We're adults now. We don't have "next year" to look forward too. In fact soon to come, for the girls and even for the guys, the "next year" is uncertain. And that's not even half as simple as it was "uncertain" in school. I mean, how out of hand can life get in school really haha? It's a strange world we are embarking on, and I think the glare of the reality will be too much to take when we eventually step out of the As tunnel. Mugging = tunnel vision.

On a seperate note, if this might help and anyone might have any tips for me, I really really wish I could get rid of the tenants in my house. I really do. Context: In a bid to help support the family, my Mum has decided to let a room in my house, which is fine if the tenants are not:

1. Female
2. Smokers
3. Dao
4. Making themselves at home

And number 5 you have to ask me personally. I should have cherished my last tenant -- who passed away, by the way, so RIP Uncle Wong -- not in my house which might be the first question in your mind heh -- -- who, although a smoker, kept to himself and never, ever smoked anywhere in the vicinity of the house. I know number 5 is selfish, but hey it sucks big time to come home every day to meet no one but strangers who don't want to talk to you. BIG TIME you don't know the half of it. Can you imagine not having the motivation to go home? That's what I'm feeling nowadays. I'd rather live with my friends, but my Dad would be chao lonely la so cannot. SIAN I WANT THEM OUT. NOW! You know when the smoker walks past, I can smell the strong stench of smoke? And she smokes on our porch: what are our neighbours going to think? I hate coming home.

Got a new maid today haha her name's Odesa (at least by phonetics). Filipina. At least she's nice and sweet and everything. I wonder how long it will take for her to stop calling me Sir. Will be bringing her out to buy dinner later... haha oh and she hasn't learnt how to cook, so I wanna learn with her! Then can cook for the family how cool is that.

Wow pretty long post. I'm in the midst of making a post As to-do list but it's getting kind of the long lol. I hope OComm can go somewhere :( . Shit that full-stop looks like a mole. Lol.

studies. (les etudes).

2008-10-20T01:15:00.004+08:00

Today my sister and jie fu came to pray for me for A levels. It was much needed and I think with God by my side I will get back to studying and doing the best that I can in studying. I guess He answered my call for help yesterday. Thanks to the Lord!

Spent the past hour practising Ryan Cabrera's True. The pre-chorus is really tough -.-"

Here's some funnies:

----

Aujourd'hui ma soeur et son mari ont prie pour mes etudes et les examens niveaux A. C'etait vraiment necessaire et je crois que, avec Dieu a mon cote, j'irais retrouver ma motivation pour l'etudier, et faire mon mieux (soit disant tout ce qui est possible) pour l'examen. Je suppose qu'il a repondu a mes prieres d'hier. Merci a Dieu!

J'ai passe la derniere heure en pratiquant True par Ryan Cabrera. La "pre-chorus" est vraiment difficile... -.-"

Voici quelques blagues.

----

勉強 (haha this is really funny! this is the japanese term for studies!)

今日、姉と夫がＡレベルのことを祈ってくれた。それは、大変ありがたいのだった。神様に守られているなら俺の勉強に戻れることになり、一生懸命にがんばらなきゃ。昨日助けを求めることに応じたかも～　神様、ありがとう！

この一時間で「True」というライアン・カブレラの曲を練習していた。コーラス前のところが本当に難しいな！

笑わせるもの：

no translations today. (pas de traduction aujourd'hui).

2008-10-19T00:34:00.005+08:00

Yea, a little lazy and tired and jaded.

Taiwan trip doesn't seem to be moving. The guy we emailed didn't replied, Renato seems to be on when I'm not on, and I wonder how willing Mr. Tan is willing to help us. Let's hope the price is brought down a lot a lot.

Cok family trip has been brought back down to earth and will now take place in Singapore. If my idea of biking around singapore and staying in random hotels comes true I will be very, very excited.

I've met one of the few "wah-sian-what-the-hell-why-so-good-looking-life-is-unfair" people I've met in my life today. Ask me who it is privately.

Hmm mostly I want to talk about the up and coming As. It's crazy to think how unprepared I am for one of the most important exams of my life. I'm losing steam and it's all because I don't see how I am able to finish by the time As come; a vicious cycle that would take its toll on my future. What do I do, I need help. It's crazy it's madly maddening. I just keep losing more and more motivation because I don't see how I can finish. And I have about 2 weeks left to study? Excluding the days I would devote completely to French. It's crazy. I need help.

On a lighter and slightly more inhuman and more post-As plans (which I would like to post sometime) note, here's Robert Muraine, one sick popper from SYTYCD. I love how he incoporates humour into his dances:

Here's him challenging Phillip Chbeeb, another popper, but guess who won? haha.

He's one of a kind.

[EDIT] Jon has very kindly also decided to do a japanese translation of my blog posts... Here's the first one! Haha this is turning out to be quite fun the whole translation business.

no translations today. (pas de traduction aujourd'hui).

今日はフランス語の翻訳がない

そうだ、ちょっとやる気がなくて、疲れきった感じばかりだった。

台湾の旅行のことはなかなか動かないそうだ。メールを送ったやつも返信しなかったに加えて、俺が興味がない間にレナトーがそれに熱心である。また、タンさんが手伝ってくれるかをまだ知らない。料金がたくさん下がってくることがいいな～

コックとの家族旅行もようやく実際的になったと、今の計画によるとシンガポールに行われる。バイクを乗ってシンガポールのたくさんのところに行ったりホテルに泊まったりする希望が叶えられたら、すごくうれしいことだね！

今日、「ちくしょう！あんなにイケメンって人生は不公平だ！」という人と会った。知りたいなら俺に聞いて。

まぁ、話したいことはすぐに来るＡレベルというものだ。俺の人生にもっとも大切な大試験の準備がまだ不足であることを考えれば、とんでもないだろう。Ａレベルを準備しきれないということを理由として、最近やる気が徐々になくなることになった、という悪循環が俺の将来に問題を起こすかもしれない。どうすればいいの？誰か助けてくれ！バカ過ぎて、俺が怒ったかも。。。俺は、Ａレベルの準備がなかなか完了できないと思いつつ、本当にやる気が手空逃げている。二週間しか残ってないなんて、困る！フランス語だけを練習する日も含まれてない。バカな！まことに、助けが必要だ。

losing motivation. (manquant la motivation).

2008-10-17T23:52:00.002+08:00

whoots copy and paste suddenly works on this computer.

are our blogs for sad things? for unpleasant things? for laid-back, breathy proclamations of the simple things in life that make us happy? i don't know haha. the above pretty much sums up my friend's blogs.

listening to all the old songs that weren't deleted with the reformat of my hard disk. Spent the post-6 p.m. hours on waiting for dinner (il piccolo was disappointing today... food took forever to come and it was TOO much. Like I said do not underestimate the power of a small tupperware of pasta.) since we missed the time camping at the canteen to be the first in the queue -- and the pain of standing in the back when in the past we laughed and munched on our food while everyone was still queuing was too much too bear. Yea without jiening/lynette no reminder sia. And then after dinner gossip a bit with Jon and Hwee. Then when Hwee was making out with the DS me and Jon started doing our repertoire from Tapestry and some other songs like OGL song... Which was really nice.

Mugging... I don't know. Hwee Leong has planted the seed of sloth in my head. He says that his smart friend told him that after prelims ended the friend stopped wanting to study because no matter how much they study they will get A. The thought, the philosophy, is so temptingly simple that I'm close to taking it up, even if I can't say it applies to me all that well. But damn, I wish I were that smart, that A's were just another wipe of the ass.

And yes, I need to say this: To YOU who might have heard talk about me crushing you (yes, you who are a commando) I need to tell you this: that I do not crush you. I simply appreciate the fact that you have a body to die for and I would gladly die if I could lie in my coffin looking like that. That's all. Hrrrgh.

----

Le copier-coller marche soudain a cet ordinateur whoots.

est-ce nos blogs pour les choses tristes? pour les experience desagreables? pour les proclamations lachees en voix voilee des choses simple dans la vie que nous aimons? je ne sais pas haha. Ci-dessus decrivent les blogues de mes amis.

je suis en train d'ecouter les chansons vieilles qui ne sont pas supprimer apres le reformater de mon disque dur. J'ai passe mes heures apres 18 heures en attendant pour le diner (aujourd'hui il piccolo etait vraiment decevant... Le repas n'est que arrive apres tres longtemps et il y'en a TROP. comme j'ai dit ne sous-estimez pas le pouvoir d'une petite morceau de pate.) Puisqu'on avais manque l'occasion de rester dans la cantine pour etre les premiers dans la queue -- et je ne peux pas supporter la douleur d'etre debout a la fin de la queue tandis qu'auparavant nous riions et nous mangeons pendant que les autres etaient encore dans la queue. Ouais sans Jiening/Lynette il n'y a pas personne pour me rappeler. Et apres ca, j'ai bavarde avec Jon et Hwee. Et puis quand Hwee commence a embrasser le DS Jon et moi nous revisitions notre repertoire du "TAPESTRY" et aussi quelques d'autres, par example la OGL song. C'etait vraiment genial.

Les etudes... Je ne sais pas. Hwee Leong a seme la semence de la paresse dans ma tete. Il m'a dit que l'un de ses amis intelligentes a dit que des que les prelims sont finis, cet ami avait perdu tout sa motivation pour etudier, parce qu'il gagne un A sans tenir compte du niveau de ses etudes. Cette philosophie est si simple que je voudrais prendre cette position, meme si elle ne s'applique pas vraiment a moi. Mais putain merde, j'espere que je sois aussi intelligent, que les niveaux As soient tellement facile.

ah ouais et je dois dire ca: si vous avez entendu parler que j'ai un beguin pour vous (oui vous qui serait un commando), il me faut vous dire que non, je n'en ai pas. Tout simplement, j'apprecie ton corps cisele. C'est tout. Hrrgh.

full moon (la pleine lune).

2008-10-17T00:00:00.004+08:00

I've wanted to blog about it for about 3 days, everyday before I unlock the gate I glance at the beautiful beautiful moon which lightly highlights the strips of clouds that surround it in the sky. It's the kind of sky you imagine to see when you are in the middle of an African savannah at night... Wow sometimes it's beautiful things like this that convince me "only a God can create something so beautiful". Yea and I like the way the moonlight narrowly shines through my window onto the ground... Such a rare sight.

Scandals were the topic of the day (or at least for the last few days of my life). Not very fun, especially with those that I really just want to be friends with, and be really good friends at that. Are we at an age where we see closeness/niceness/appreciation as a yearning for a relationship (or worse, something further than that)? Arrgh. And Hwee Leong rule #1: if you think that someone has got a body you would kill to have, don't talk about it, lest you be thought to be crushing him.

Here's a wonderful song, it's called Belle by Garou and some others (haha I guess Garou is the most famous) but it's in french, so the real lyrics will be in the translation and the translation is here ><

Belle

Beautiful
It's a word invented for her
When she dances and when she unleashes her body
A bird that extends her wings to fly
Then I feel hell opening itself below my feet

I rest my eyes on her flamenco dress
What good will it do to pray to Notre Dame
Who is the one to throw the first pebble at her (huh? but oh well.)
He does not deserve to be alive
Oh Lucifer!
Let me, only for once, run my fingers through the hair of Esmeralda...

Beautiful
Is she the devil incarnated
To turn my eyes away from eternal God
Who had placed in my being this carnal desire
To prevent me from looking towards the sky

She carries in her the original sin
Desiring her makes me a criminal
She, who seems to be a girl of joy, a girl of nothing,
Seems to suddenly carry the cross of humankind
Oh Notre Dame!
Let me, only for once, open the door to the garden of Esmeralda...

Beautiful
Despite her big black eyes that cast a spell on you
The lady is she still a virgin?
When her movements make me see mountains and wonders
Under her skirt in shades of the rainbow

My lady love leads me to be unfaithful
Before you, almost led to the altar
Who is the man who will turn his eyes from her
To avoid becoming a pillar of salt
Oh Fleur-de-Lys!
I am not a man of faith
I am going to pluck the flower of love of Esmeralda's...

Haha yep enjoy. Should do a style article soon! Taiwan trip is coming quite exciting.

----

J'ai voulu publier un billet sur ca depuis il y a 3 jours, chaque nuit avant d'ouvrir la porte chez moi, je jetais une oeil a la lune super belle, qui donne un reflet aux nuages environnantes dans le ciel. C'est le type du ciel qu'on imagine a voir dans le milieu d'une savane afrique au soir... Quelquefois, les choses vraiments belles comme ca me disent que "personne sauf Dieu peut creer tout ca". Et j'aime aussi beaucoup la facon avec laquelle les rayons de lune trouvent une voie d'atteindre mon sol, quelle spectacle rare.

Le sujet d'aujourd'hui c'etait les scandales (ou au moins pour ma vie recente). Ca ne m'amuse pas, surtout a l'egard de ceux avec qui je voudrais etre amis, les tres bonnes amis au fait. Est-ce qu'on est a un age ou on prenait la concerne/l'appreciation/intimite pour le desir d'etre ensemble avec lui/elle? Arrgh. Et regle numero 1 de Hwee Leong: si vous avez un garcon avec une visage ou un corps formidable, n'en parlez pas de crainte de donne l'impression d'avoir un beguin pour lui.

Voila une chanson excellente, appellee Belle performee par Garou, Patric et quelqu'un d'autre (haha je crois que Garou est la plus populaire parmi les 3). Mais c'est en francais, donc alors les paroles francaises sont ici et la traduction ici ><

Belle

Belle
C'est un mon qu'on dirait invente pour elle
Quand elle danse et elle met son corps a jour
Tel un oiseau qui etend ses ailes pour s'envoler
Alors je sens l'enfer s'ouvrir sous mes pieds
Quel est celui qui lui jettera la premiere pierre
Celui-la ne merite pas d'etre sur terre
O Lucifer!
Laisse-moi rien qu'une fois
Glisser mes doigts dans les cheveux d'Esmeralda

Belle
Est-ce le diable qui s'est incarne en elle
Pour detourner mes yeux du Dieu eternel
Qui a mis dans mon etre ce desir charnel
Pour m'empecher de regarder vers le ciel
Elle porte en elle le peche originel
La desirer fait-il de moi un criminel
Celle qu'on prenait pour une fille de joie, une fille de rien
Semble soudain porter la croix du genre humain
O Notre Dame!
Laisse-moi rien qu'une fois
Pousser la porte du jardin d'Esmeralda

Belle
Malgre ses grands yeux noirs qui vous ensorcellent
La demoiselle est-elle encore pucelle?
Quand ses mouvements me font voir monts et merveilles
Sous son jupon aux couleurs de l'arc-en-ciel
Ma dulcinee laisse-moi vous etre infidele
Avant de vous avoir mene jusqu'a l'autel
Quel est l'homme qui detournerait son regard d'elle
Sous peine d'etre change en statue de sel
O Fleur-de-Lys!
Je ne suis pas homme de foi
J'irai cueillir la fleur d'amour d'Esmeralda

Je pose mes yeux sur sa robe de gitane
A quoi me sert encore de prier Notre Dame
Quel est celui qui lui jettera la premiere pierre
Celui-la ne merite pas d'etre sur terre
O Lucifer!
Laisse-moi rien qu'une fois
Glisser mes doigts dans les cheveux d'Esmeralda

Haha amusez-vous. Je dois bientot publier un billet de style! La voyage au Taiwan est passionnant.

just in time. (toute juste a l'heure).

2008-10-15T23:35:00.002+08:00

whoots just in time to watch Les Bleus, but I missed the starting 2 minutes or something. It's a really great show, I laugh so much when I listen to them talk. The lines are great, the storylines of each episode are great. And the overall storylines of the main characters are excellent too. I'm not talking about depth or intellect, I'm saying it makes for excellent excellent entertainment. Like today there's a new capitaine, and apparently he keeps pimping the hot girl amongst the girls, and last episode one of the other rookies and that girl started kissing, so he's damn jealous. Haha and Laporte the gay guy kept staring at the new capitaine lol it's super funny.

However, it's entertainment I don't believe I deserve considering that today has been a rather dismal show of mugging. But I will mug as I watch, right after this post (with its translation).

Had to rush my shower because I was back late taking an alternative decision to take 156 instead of the shorter 157 or 93. (OMG le commissaire just told laporte that he is in love with laporte's mama!) But it was nice to be able to catch up a little with Hwee... Haha really laugh like siao like last time.

(and the hot girl almost kissed the new capitaine! and moreno just came and interrupted it LOL too funny)

Maybe I'll post more later, I can't multi-task.

----

whoots (c'est ca en francais aussi? mdr) juste toute a temps pour regarder les bleus, mais j'ai rate les premieres quelques minutes. C'est une emission vraiment formidable, je rire beaucoup quand je les ecoute. Le texte est aussi genial, et l'histoire de chaque episode est genial. Et l'histoire generale des caracteres sont aussi tres formidable. Je ne parle pas du fondeur de l'intellect, je parle du divertissement vraiment excellent. Comme aujourd'hui il y a un nouveau capitaine, et apparamment il aime la fille la plus chaude dans l'emission, et dans le dernier episode Moreno. l'un des autres bleus, l'aurait baise (c'est-a-dire avec ses levres, pas avec son bite), donc aujourd'hui il est jaloux. Haha et Laporte l'homme homosexuel ne cesse de regarder le capitaine nouveau haha c'est trop drole.

Pourtant, c'est un divertissement que, je crois, je ne merite pas considerant qu'aujourd'hui etais un jour d'etudes lamentable. Mais j'etuderai apres ce billet (avec sa traduction).

Je ne continue pas je dois etudier haha desole a ceux qui prendre temps de lire cette partie.

tired for no good reason (fatigue sans raison valable).

2008-10-15T01:43:00.002+08:00

I was really tired today I don't know why. It may be because I dispensed a large of my energy to figuring out that wretched question in the math TYS and another sizable amount to the subsequent madness after finding out that there was a typo and that I couldn't have ever figured it out. I spent 3 hours on that I think. I am very very behind on my schedule as of today. I don't know I have a strong feeling that I will not finish by A's. What to do right now I've decided to dao the prelim papers and do TYS only. Good for the morale and cover my basics VERY WELL before I move on to the tough stuff.

Sorry to everyone today, was being slightly cranky. Mandy, you are welcome and welcome again (since you'll see your name once again surrounded by french words now).

I'm pretty motivated to start working out again (yes, I've tried to gain some of them mooskles before) for a few reasons:

1. Brother Weiyuan said we (as in the boys) need to exercise in this period of mugging so that we don't die in NS.
2. My dad said I was too skinny to be a soldier -.-"
3. I want to at least be halfway to that guy in my last style post.
4. I don't want to die in NS.
5. Running helps me to sing better for some reason.

Yea... OK so motivate me ya!

Alright to translation. I really hope that blogging won't become a chore for me because of the translation.

----

J'etais vraiment fatigue aujourd'hui et je ne sais pas pourquoi. Peut-etre c'est parce que j'ai dispense la plupart de mon energie a trouver la solution pour la question damnees dans le TYS de mathematiques, et aussi une autre partie signifiant subsequemment a me faire damner apres avoir me rendu compte qu'on a fait une erreur dans la question et que je n'avais jamais quand meme trouve la solution. J'y ai passe 3 heures je crois. J'ai un sentiment fort que je ne finirai pas ma revision pour les niveaux As. Ce que je fais maintenant, j'ai decide, est d'ignorer les copies des examens preliminaires, ne faisant que le TYS. Bonne pour le morale et aussi a penser a tous les bases avant de continuer aux questions difficiles.

Desole a tout le monde d'avoir une tete drole aujourd'hui. Mandy, je te dis encore "de rien", et "de rien" encore (puisque tu verras ton nom parmi ces mots francais encore).

Je suis maintenant plus motivee de m'entrainer (oui, j'ai jadis essayer de prendre du poids) pour quelques raisons:

1. Frere Weiyuan m'a dit qu'il faut que nous (soit disant les garcons en generale) commencions de s'entrainer afin d'eviter la mort dans la service nationale.
2. Mon pere a dit que je ne suis pas assez muscle d'etre un soldat -.-"
3. Au moins, j'espere devenir un demi du homme dans mon dernier billet de style.
4. Je ne veux pas faire face a la mort dans la service nationale.
5. La course a pied m'aide a chanter mieux pour quelque raison.

Alors a la traduction! J'espere vraiment que la publication de mes billets ne deviennent jamais une tache lourde.

a change (un changement).

2008-10-14T00:24:00.003+08:00

I've decided to implement a new rule here, that will take effect at least for the next three weeks leading up to the French A's. I will be typing here in English, then followed by a translation into French. I don't know if I can manage it, but here goes nothing. It (hopefully) will help me to improve my written language, and also act as an incentive to be short and sweet.

Alright another big change that happened recently: RI(JC). Hahaha I don't know what to say. I ought to ask my HC friends what they felt when HCJC and HCS (wait was it called that I can't even remember) merged to form HCI. Whatever it sure feels weird to me, and I wonder, what about the RGS girls? Won't they be feeling left out when they step into RJC? Coupled with the pretty inexplicable renovation decisions that have been effectuated in school recently (e.g. the staff area aka "Raffles Zoo" for a brief period today), I'm not sure I'm taking these changes all too well.

Thank you Mandy for being my first "appreciator" of the style section of my site! I hope I'll see some for my food section too lol.

Wow this works. I don't even feel like posting about the day anymore.

-----

J'ai decide de mettre en place une nouvelle regle ici qui prendra effet au moins pour les 3 semaines amenant aux niveaux As de francais. Je taperai en anglais, et suite suivi d'une traduction en Francais. Je ne sais pas si je reussirai a le faire, mais ah bon je vais l'essayer. Ca me permet, avec un peu de chance, d'ameliorer ma langue ecrite, et aussi d'etre plus court dans mes billets de blog.

Alors un autre changement qui est arrivee recemment: RI(JC). mdr je ne sais pas ce que je dois dire. je devrais demander a mes amis de Hwach de leurs sentiments quand HCJC et HCS (attendez, c'est ca le nom ouais? -.-") ont fusionne. En tout cas, ca fait drole a mon avis, et je me demande, et les filles de RGS? Ressentent-pas elles exclues des qu'elles entrent dans la JC? Allie aux renovations inexplicable partout dans l'ecole (ex. la partie de la cantine consacree aux enseignants alias Le Zoo pour une period bref aujourd'hui), je ne suis pas sur je les supporte bien ou pas.

Merci a Mandy d'etre ma premiere <> de la section du style sur mon site! J'espere voir ceux pour la section de la cuisine.

Ah ca marche. Je n'ai pas meme envie de poster les evenements de ma journee aujourd'hui.

mug mug mug.

2008-10-13T01:21:00.002+08:00

haha my blog post titles are getting less and less relevant to the actual blog posts.

OK, stretch out your palm. Fingers stretched out. Go on, just do it.

I just had a chicken drumstick the size of that, plus a chicken wing and a cup of melamine. I am so full right now I think I will die from shock of the nightmares I will have later.

Speaking about dreams, I must tell you about the dream I had this morning that caused me to wake late. It was really odd, and even odder that I can't even remember the most important detail: the person who I was married to (at age 18, I think). I'm pretty sure it's someone I know in this life, but I can't remember how we knew each other, how we decided to marry each other, and stuff like that. All I remember is one scene where I'm hugging the baby and there's someone else on my lap (a guy, I think -.-") and we are all shouting at her and the baby's crying cuz she's holding a knife running against my knee -- though this may be my maid whipping me with some cloth to wake me up, i'm prone to that sort of reality-illusion link -- and next we are in some part of town, shopping, and I'm holding the baby, and being the hen-pecked husband that listens faithfully to the wife's instructions and waits for her quietly to finish her shopping. Rarr it was bad the overarching feeling throughout this brief period of holy matrimony was regret. Bachelorhood may after all be a good idea. I think I need to read Sigmund Freud soon.

I admit that after discovering blogs like Nick's and Ngiam's, I'm reminded of my old blogger self, albeit slightly, just slightly more on the suicidal side. Haha it's quite a startling reminder of where I came from when I was back in secondary school.... I reflected a lot more, thought about life a lot more, made many life-changing decisions that I probably didn't have the maturity at the time to make... And I admit that I wanted to start that again. But I'm not sure if I like this me. Sometimes I feel like this me is shallow and ignorant to sentiments; people used to talk to me about problems, now I feel like I don't have the capacity to absorb all these heavy thoughts and words in my skinny frame. And sometimes I feel like I like this me, because I'm so much happier as life gets simpler in my mind: less caring about what others think of me, getting step-by-step closer to God and discovering Him in my every day life, learning to love my parents and overlook their short-comings, etc. It's like a maturity that tells me that immaturity is the way to go, and with this immaturity I've learnt to let go of all the binds that tied me down to my emotion. When was the last time I cried? Perhaps I should try to post some of those thoughtful entries just to get back in touch with the tender side of me. Must look for inspiration like hole-punching, or mugging, or typing, or filing- wait damn that's taken.

Having said that I am still quite bewildered by Ngiam's uncanny ability to inject so much emotion into the economy of words that he bothers to use. His blog posts get under the skin.

New speakers whoots, and quite cheap too 15 dollars (philips beat creative in that aspect). What I don't understand is how something about 15 times the size of a handphone earpiece can cost half the price of the latter. And sometimes I'm exasperated by the people in our workforce:

Me: [taking out my spoiled earpiece to show the heavily-foundationed salesgirl smsing] Um do you have this?
Foundation Girl: Uh yes. [stares]
Me: Uh well could I take a look at it?

I think she must have heard my snort of wtf. And she told me that if I used Visa I had to pay 3% more. I think she's just scamming my ass and I gave her the "uh-ok-I'll-let-you-have-your-way-since-i-don't-really-know-how-to-give-a-box-to-your-face
-and-get-away-with-it" look as she swiped my card.

College applications are confounding to say the least. Weiyuan said I don't want to do mugging more than these forms but trust me, I do. Tomorrow I'm going to ask Mr. Lee about college apps to be done next year haha wish me luck. Cuz if he says cannot then US is pretty much of the list for me. I'm so lost with all these UNI apps.

Mugging update: not bad. Created a NEW plan, sad to say though that within the first day of it's creation I've already fallen behind by a Math Paper 1. But researching Education for redaction was fun... Very interesting. Wanted to post emo entry about me and my dad (emo meaning emotionally charged, not sad) and a style icon of the week, but i better sleep I've got a Chem paper 3 tomorrow -.-". Maybe next time.

FOOD REVIEW: Il Piccolo @ Toa Payoh/Bradell

2008-10-11T23:29:00.002+08:00

Rating: 8/10

Location: Near Botak Jones near RJC, behind SPH

Haha my first review. Looks horrible but oh well let's see how far this idea of mine goes. Does anyone know how to like group the posts into some segments like how some sites put under "Videos" or "Pictures" for those blog entries with those?

Yep Il Piccolo. A small stall almost like a normal hawker centre one, except that the eatery itself is filled with people drawn to the large portions and sumptious food of.... Botak Jones, 2 stalls to the left of Il Piccolo. But there's no reason to overlook Il Piccolo, since it serves authentic Italian food (where authentic means delicious, since I haven't tried real italian cuisine before). At least not as much as Kim Chi La La or Ah Gang Seafood, stalls coined "sad" by Auyong as he remarked their desolate shopfront.

The best thing about this stall, and this specially for our friends in school slogging for As who might want something other than the daily exciting RPA menu for dinner, is that they deliver. The food arrives in less than 10 minutes, which means you get it hot. And don't be deceived by the small portion: pasta can make you really full, especially if it's couple with their delicious cream-based sauces. The number can be easily found on their website, or ask me for it.

Today I had the Quatro Formaggi, which is penne very generously doused in a rich sauce that boasted of 4 different kinds of cheese and cream. I may not have been able to tell what cheeses these were, but I definitely tasted the cheese. It may be a personal liking, but for some reason such sauces (think Al Funghi at Pastamania) keeps whetting my appetite for more with every mouth I take -- something like Pringles. And this one was very well done, no discounts on the cheesiness.

Friends (namely Jiening and Lynette) had chicken and beef lasagne, which was touted by Jiening as "even better than my mother". In my context I can't really gauge how nice it is, but usually if a food is better than your mum's it's pretty awesome.

Pizza was good too... If I have to pick one good thing about the pizza is the soft crust. Not overcooked, and once again the toppings were generous, with the pepperoni just the right degree of softness. Not hard or brittle. Garnishing blended well together (though huge chunks of onion and olives may not be everyone's favorite).

Do try it, it's not that ex either. Be prepared to pay about 7 dollars for your pasta (ranges between 5 to 8 thereabouts) and remember to get the pizza to share (costs about 8 dollars for a 7" one). If you're a sucker for taste, then this is definitely value for money.

my rather warm and humid day.

2008-10-11T23:20:00.002+08:00

Wow first up thanks to weizhong for fixing my photo problem haha sometimes I am really blown away by people who can make sense of all the words and letters and punctuations in computer things... I've always dreamed be able to be like those hackers you see in movies, the screen scrolling up at 10 lines a second and his eyes just looking through all of it and figuring out what the right thing to type is... That's actually how I envisioned the guy who hacked Mr. Andrew Lim's account haha. Anyway, thanks weizhong -- but how did you find my blog anyway -.-"?

Today was unbelievably warm. It's getting warmer I swear. And decided to wear my stupid green Open House shirt that allows zero air to pass through. Rarr. Haha but our dinner was great will put up a review for Il Piccolo next!

Haha brother.

Hmm. Wow nothing to type le. Other mundane stuff that i scared I type then a certain someone (name start with J, end with IENING) will say I talking to myself :( The stuff I have to go through to do a blog.

Today was quiitee productive I think except I decided to take the route everyone is taking and do the TYSs, but I'm not sure if I will benefit. All I know is I'm zooming quite fast through it and I hope it will be as easy for the real thing... Can anyone tell me?

Oh and you know the weather being so hot, I think somma the milk must have gotten in between the crevices in the floorboards... You can imagine how it smells like. Not the right smell to greet a sticky, tired, hoarse boy anyway.

Not sure how many has seen this:
Backstroke of the West
The only thing that I can sit in front of the com myself and laugh till tears come to my eyes.

cool menshealth style article.

2008-10-11T00:40:00.003+08:00

wow here's a really cool look I wished I could pull off:But it'll prob take me another 5 years of working out intensively at the gym and about 5 operations to look half as good. Haha self-esteem issues.

But do check it out, menshealth.com does have several great articles, but some of them are very US specific or do not expand enough in my area of interest.

ARRGH.

2008-10-10T23:25:00.002+08:00

Alright firstly, when I turned on my cranky computer, the bloody keyboard wasn't working, and so i bent over to try and jiggle the connection, and when i bent back i knocked my f***ing glass of milk onto the floor. It got every bloody where and such a bitch to clean up. Got onto the hardest places to reach and even splashed on my posters. I am sooo pissed off.

But today, was fun. Like Yelin said, it was a good get together, it meaning the Wan Joo belated birthday celebration at Fish & Co. AMK Hub. For some reason I'm not sure why. Maybe because I was dressed in something non-school related? Maybe I was really enjoying myself without thinking of studying (which unfortunately isn't the most apt of attitudes)? I don't know. But yea it was really fun! Haha Hwee was talking about hypothetical marriage situations, and the other side was talking about families, and how we matured to love our families, or parents in particular. Wow and enjoyed talking to Yelin he truly is one of a kind ("then cannot make suit la" was his reply -.-"), I don't think i'll ever meet someone like him again. But got this anal woman kept looking at us from her table with disapproving glares... I guess she's just jealous. Luckily no repeat of the Curry Udon incident in Central the last time, where the manager complained to the principal that we were being very noisy, leading to an announcement one morning during assembly to behave ourselves in public in our uniforms... >< Good luck Jiening for LNAT.

Haha yes and "Futility" has got to be the highlight of the day. Here's what happened:

Zhiying: So how does this work?
Auyong: Oh you just press the grey button there.
Zhiying: This one? (proceeds to press it)
Auyong: NOOO --

And his mouth, gaped in the shape of the NO he screamed, became immortalised in a polaroid picture, a disembodied mouth that belonged to only the bottom half of a face. We put it in a frame, and we had this crazy idea to put it up with the Art Exhibition pieces (which were really very cool, great job Ben I loved yours!). And Auyong decided to stay behind and introduce people to his piece we entitled "Futility". "Yea this is a piece about the futility of human life, human endeavours. For example, this subject is screaming out for something to happen, or rather to stop something from happening, and yet we must admit that there no longer is a chance since he is forever trapped in this moment of the deed happening or not happening and we can never hear his scream. The lack of identity of this picture signifies the lack of identity that many of us live our lives with. The surrounding white space brings a sense of claustrophobia that enshrouds our lives, the despair, the emptiness of our lives... This is our best piece of art, we believe, after our last piece 2 years ago about The Impossibility of Death in the Minds of the Living, where the medium we used was formaldehyde. The piece is starting at 800 dollars. Personally, whenever I look at the picture, I can't help but tear a little at the strong emotional messages it brings across." Alright haha good job zhiying, auyong and ye wei. My role was... agent agent lol. When we left we were at a highest bid of 10 000 dollars, and the next highest at 70cents by Lorraine. Thank you for the support!

That wasn't our only artistic venture of the day. I had the genius flash to make a giant art attack out of the ubiquitous (lol John Cheo and Auyong congratulations!) and numerous supplies we have lying around in the room. We also dug up all the random cloth which were lying outside in the council canteen lol, and we made a GIANT ART ATTACK in the form of a Jewish, Aladdin-esque, closet alcoholic, polka-dot wearing, feathered calvin klein underwear worn on the outside wearing, Elvis haired boyfriend named Abu for Wan Joo's birthday. Haha it was funny go see jiening or mandy's blog (wait does she have) for the pictures! It's hilarious.

Farewell assembly was today. Was fun, except for some items in the programme (ask me personally for the details) which were exasperating/disappointing. Jon Yee was.... rofl to say the least. Kept kar-chiauing me. My only grouse is that 6R was completely segregated, and we never even got any picture up in the opening montage cuz we never sent any. -.-" Rarr. Even the after event photo-taking had only a handful of people present. Which sucks. Oh well. 6R was enjoyable while it lasted... And there are definitely memories I can take away from it (like our cycling adventure!). Maybe we can meet up more often eh?

Oh wells but mugging wise still bad. Marked like 3/4 of my physics paper I did 2 days ago. MARKED, mind you, and I hardly did any mugging. Tsk I feel so terrible.

brother brother brother brother. Will upload photos on laptop no wire or bluetooth for this desktop.

mes parents.

2008-10-10T01:51:00.002+08:00

almost felt like i've wasted the past 2 days away, considering US apps, which was the toughest I've had to decide on since a looong time. In the end, Jiening help me decide that I should Liberal Arts, then do a masters' in Hospitality or Business Management, effectively pushing back my decision till 3 years later. Which I think is a very effective idea, and that in Liberal Arts I get to do like philosophy and whatever else.

The only problem was deciding which US schools to apply to. There were so many: CMU, Cornell, Yale, Amherst, etc. and I simply was at a lost as to which was good, which was bad. I had a good time laughing with Jon Yee in the Student Affair Centre about where we were headed, and I decided that I would entrust my tertiary education in America (if all else fails, since America is at the bottom of my list) to him, i.e. I will apply to whatever he applied to. This led Kevin Sim (who is... nvm) to believe we had a thing going on, and he even said I want to marry Brad Pitt -.-"

Jon Yee: So should we apply to a lot of schools? If we only apply to one doesn't that show that we really want to get in?
Sim: Do they care?! I mean, if you really wanted to marry Angelina Jolie, and he (referring to me) wanted to marry Brad Pitt...

Haha I should have taken offence, like kevin laporte in Les Bleus when Capitaine Duval insulted his sexuality. Oh well it'll be a long and arduous journey for people to convince my friends that I ain't all that into guys. It's gonna be especially tough when I find good friends and other people tend to easily assume it to be a relationship, touting "ah it's always like that/it always starts like that" as some form of immature take on the issue. I think it's so stupid to completely ignore the possibility of good friends between two people. I admit my actions may suggest otherwise (and this with respect specifically to Ko Ko and addressed to my dear readers who are also culprits) but my prior actions have also suggested that I might be rapist, molester, flasher, murderer, cheater, racist... Does that lead you to believe that I may be any of the above? Wait, alright don't answer that.

Maturity brings me to talk about my parents. Tonight I went with my folks to have supper, and I tell you it's so fun. I thank God that my sis spoke to me about my father (and probably spoke to him too, after she was done with me) in London, and that totally revolutionized the way I lived in the family. It was fun to know that I was loved by the two of them, and that I truly care for them. And although we were awfully silent at times, had conversations which were uneventful, I still loved the little time I get to spend with them like this. And this goes out to everyone who reads my blog: LOVE YOUR PARENTS PLEASE! I know in some cases it may be hard, but... In the end it's so much more worth it if things work out. And things won't work out at all if you decide that they won't. Right.

Past two days were unproductive fretting over college apps. Not great. And I anticipate tomorrow to be a happy decadent day celebrating Wan Joo's birthday, all with my first A level paper in less than 2 weeks. Good job ye wei.

Anyone read Outlook? Haha it's quite cool, and who decided they should send it to my parents? Lol.

AHHHHH.

2008-10-08T01:17:00.001+08:00

omg omg omg my desktop is working again! WHOOTS I JUST SIGNED IN. THIS IS LIKE THE FIRST TIME I'VE USED IT IN MONTHS!! And you know what's the best part. ALL MY SONGS ARE INTACT. as well as my files. what really does reformatting do anyway haha?

Whoots this is too great. Though I really should be sleeping now. I NEED SPEAKERS ANYONE WANTS TO SELL?

il faut devenir une frere.

2008-10-08T00:23:00.002+08:00

Haha jiening double post in a day again. Yea the rest of you mind taggin my board with you addresses so I can follow your blogs? So far I've only know jiening's blog address lol and she doesn't link anyone.

OK the most exciting thing just happened. I was at the track right, then I looked at the field, and there was this GIANT heart made out of candle-esque lights (what a cheat) and just as I was trying to make sense of it all, in comes a guy and a girl to sit at the top of the stadium steps! Haha I tried to see who it was, but most of the time I was just trying to leave without making them embarassed. But if anyone knows who these two lovebirds might be do let me know!

Yep. Today was imba productive. that table is MINEEE.

OK gtg Dad's here. Bye bye. Now I won't have to blog at home go straight to playing guitar!

je suis un frere.

2008-10-07T00:42:00.002+08:00

alright ye wei think short think short.

got a confession that i wanna make, but too wuss for it right now. maybe later.

it's still a bitch to type on my brother's mouseless com, and then have to clear up the history WITHOUT THE MOUSE to make sure he doesn't know. maybe I should blog in sch next time before I come home.

prav found a piece of white hair on my head today! what does this mean? too stressed? dormant hair ailment rearing his ugly head?! arrgh not good at all.

my leisure subsumes to: guitar at home before sleeping. and reading the bible and Max Lucado (if you know who that is). When will I ever go to church? the reason i haven't been going to church isn't altogether my dad, actually... it's partly me also. there's too much change for me to learn. strike that. too much for me to learn, period. i'm not sure how to take it. so far Shuli has offered me to go to her church, and edith has sent me a nice message asking me to consult her should I have any questions/problems. please pray for me to find the courage to make God number 1 in my life.

alright that's all. if I keep coming home this late... I'm gonna die. Wanna blog about GP but oh well short short.

reprise.

2008-10-04T23:58:00.002+08:00

Moved back to school today. Lugged my chem notes there, and the feeling I got when I realized that I was going to have to nest in that place was pretty disgusting. But I've got to do what I've got to do eh.

Missed Taiwan outing today! Hope it was fun... I didn't do much work, but I can almost feel my momentum slowly returning.

Had a semi-emo talk with Jiening once Lynette left today. Wow gave me feelings I've almost cut myself from. Those pensive, emotional thoughts about your friends, your life, love etc. Haha whoots it was fun though. All I need now is the rain to fall down.

Visited some blogs in the mean time too. Danny really is a devout christian and like Jiening, I really pray that I can become like him some day. I got to start by going to church... Arrgh, but my parents ar...

Jiening told me I should shorten my posts. In fact today I feel like doing just that because it is already 12 mn and I really should be sleeping to keep to my 7 to 12 mugging routine. I've really got a lot to do since unlike the rest I have 18 -- no, wait, 17 days -- to the start of my A levels. Yes, I'm part of the minority that the school overlooked when they distributed revision schedules that claimed that A's start on the 30th. And furthermore, I'm now actually typing on my brother's computer (without permission I might add, which is why I'm typing in the dark haha but it's cool cuz he's a gamer and his keyboard has a blue light to illuminate slightly but sufficiently the keys -- my only grouse is his lack of mouse where the heck did that go). Yep. As you can tell I'm still learning the ropes of the game called blogging. Jiening said she started to get lost in my post, and that they were boring. Oh well.

Anyone knows how to fix my scrollbar? I can't seem to scroll the.. whaddamacallit, the scroller down from the very top.

Good night. Have heart Lynette, you are smart! Ko ko sorry for disturbance today. It's all Jiening's fault.

Saw 5!!

2008-10-04T00:44:00.002+08:00

For the people who have been awaiting it's arrival, here's the first trap in Saw 5:

http://www.bloody-disgusting.com/bdtv/2106

I like this site, since I am a big gore fan. This site gives you all the information you need for all the gore movies you want! Turns out they say that Friday the 13th (with Jason the Hockey-Masked Serial Killer) is having a remake... Which I think is cool.

random but really fun day.

2008-10-03T22:54:00.003+08:00

Today went out with PWNZY (namely my mentee group Ping Fang, Wen Jian, Natalie Ong and Zhijie (i.e. Isaac a.k.a. Ho Ho a.k.a. Caasi a.k.a. guy whose fan club died in a day)) and was quite fun. Went to 珍发活海鲜 and it's definitely a recommendation. When you go there, every person is entitled to a portion of prawn and a portion of crab. We didn't enjoy the crab too much (it was already dead and quartered), but the live prawns caused many shrieks within the restaurants because the courageous prawns fought to keep their bodies from turning bright orange in the boiling soup in front of you. So they jump out of the bowl they were served in, and we had a lot of fun picking them up and putting them into the soup to cook. Then after they were cooked, we had a competition to see who could peel the prawn the fastest after it was just taken out of the pot. I swear I could feel blisters burning and I couldn't even get the head off when Cassi would be mocking me by sucking on his freshly peeled prawn. But yes the prawns are really fresh, as you might imagine, and the food here is a good standard. One good point is that you don't have to cook the food yourself, you can pass it either to the grill or the teppanyaki. Much better than Sakura definitely. We ate ALOT and me and Caasi compared the size of our "pregnant" tummies ahha.

I want to make my blog a food recommendations site! Haha cool cool. With movie and band reviews (perhaps shows when I start again (arrgh I still have Dexter Seasons 1 and 2 to watch)).

PWNZY is definitely is fun, and is definitely very closely bonded. We took a photo today (lazy to scan) and it was quite cool. It's like we went to Cold Storage and found fruits and stood at the potted plants section and posed for an "explorer" shoot. Haha then we went around and posed like the models on the various product covers (even those like Kellogg's cereals haha) and blocked a lot of way and made a lot of noise. Then we went to Udders which is another place that is pretty good. The alcohol ice-cream is something to try because the alcohol content is very very high. Don't try the chocolate mint though (I never did like mint, but this was really bad). Yep.

Oh and united square (is it?) has a very cool fountain that is really pretty. We took a dp-worthy shot (as I called it). Look out for it, it will replace A7X on my DP.

Which reminds me: should I go for A7X concert?! It's happening on 24th October, which is 2 days after my French paper and about 8 days before the start of my A's. But like Sean said, if I don't go I'll regret it. Rarr go listen to some of their songs:

Dear God The song that Ko liked and he sent to me, reminding me of how much I like them.

A Little Piece of Heaven (Lynette likes this too! I like the story too but may be a bit too sick for some)

Bat Country The song that made me like A7X in the first place.

Gunslinger Siang Huat and Jiening said this song was not bad. It gives me goosebumps. (Oh dear the Jarhead version has been deleted! It was a good substitiute for an MV...)

Afterlife The song used to promote their concert, as I saw on the big screen at Toa Payoh today.

Scream I love this even though, like its name, is very metal. The sounds are just... wow.

Seize the Day The acting was horrid in this, but the song is very cool. Weiyuan likes this!

Somma my faves. I'll be going with Macey if I do... So should I should I should I? I really think they are damn cool and that the lead singer is ultra cool! I even want to learn scream-singing. Haha. He actually took lessons to learn that! What I like about them is that they actually have musicality in their songs, so there's actually a tune unlike those songs that Ko sent me, by some weird growling band that sang about sex in the graveyard at night -.-". And their lyrics are very very good and very interesting! Rarr I really, really do like them. And not to mention they accompany me very well when I study. And they use their real girlfriends in their videos! Their really sweet to their girlfriends too. You should like them too!

Oh and oral today was a killer.... It was completely ten notches above (in terms of difficulty) above the prelims. I got Family as topic of general conversation for prelims, I got ethics of human cloning for A's. Like WTF. Well at least the speech questions were easier. Heidi was damn pissed haha she got something about Radiohead and about Sarkozy's speech on "work more earn more" and inflation and all that. And the fact that Yeong Qian got Hobbies didn't help. Rarr the worst thing is I forgot to bring my board in RARRR that's damn stupid but it's behind me so i'm fine. I hope it went well for everyone (how about you Jon, who is reading this on your RSS? lol)

Argh I missed Les Bleus today and Mathan is here to tell me about it -.-". Thank you Tv5 for having reruns every Wednesday! Haha.

PWNZY didn't stop reminding me that I should start mugging hard. Maybe I should take their advice seriously, but there's T'aiwan outing tomorrow ARRGH i think I will not have enough time I tell you. But like Ping Fang said it's been soo long since I've seen the T'aiwan peeps. And I was listening to Jay Chou (his discography is now at 90% whoots it's really every album and every song even the live ones this rocks) and all the feelings came back to me. I miss them loads, Serene, Hong Xiu, Andrea, Kevy, Kiat Wee, Tat Chern, etc. They left so much in me... Can't wait to go back to Taiwan end of this year with OComm (when are we getting it done!!)

Still learning the ropes of this blogging thing. Sigh. Oh and some guy/girl just sent me an email in French asking me about Orale. I need to know if it's some creepy stalker guy again, I hope it's just M. Gilbert, my French tuition teacher, using a different e-mail.

My DP-worthy pic:

From Natz! Who says she is "the happiest girl in town". Cool right?! And I realised that the picture affects the scrolling on the right haha.

"so if you want to aks me a question, aks me in english"

2008-10-02T23:07:00.002+08:00

Today has been productive. Somewhat. Better than previous days though. Although I do have to practise my orale (A levels tomorrow!) for tomorrow, so wish me luck.

Haha as the various members of the Cok family must know, Ye Wei here is embarking on a strange journey into the blogosphere, where I am merely an adolescent venturing into an ensemble of friends who are seasoned bloggers, namely Hwee (since sec 2 he has had an illustrious career), Jiening (who inspired this restart in a sense), Nick (and his philosophies), Sarah, Ben, Lynette (!), etc. etc. Haha today saw me learning the ropes of this unfamiliar creature called blogs, and also me being laughed at for my ineptness (sp?) in blogging. Haha rarr. It really is tough to do this when I know that a few days later my posts will come under scrutiny by my friends... Oh well I'll just see how far I can go.

I made several promises to blog about stuff that happen over the short span of dinner tonight, but I think Jiening might be right that I have forgotten most of them. I might need that blogger notebook after all HAHAHA.
1. I was the slowest eater of the night (as usual) and I had to quickly stuff chunks of LJS fish into my mouth as my friends watched in disdain.
2. Zhuoyi came! haha Hwee Hwee.
3. They tried to make me eat the fry that fell onto the floor, that I almost put into my mouth... And Minqi (sp?) here's your space: thanks for saving me from the evil of these people.
4. Jiening wrote "Yewei is a fat ass", and later changed it to "Ye Wei is a fat ass" after pointing out the space in my name.
5. Was supposed to scan the LJS sheet as well as Jiening's tissue lol.

Haha Hwee Leong was telling me alot tonight on our way home. I really do think he shorted something up there (more than 10 seconds to do a chem problem!) haha but aw we still love him anyway. And he told me about HAZardous but I'm not sure if I want to propagate that image of him here hahaha. After I'd left him I smiled all the way to my home thinking about how ridiculously strict my blogging has become. Haha I don't know what to make of it.

Alright, for all those who had to endure the pain of my various Lauren Cooper impersonations, in addition to those I posted yesterday, here are some more you should watch... They're really funny at least to me and 6R:

Are you gay, sir?

English Lesson

Dumped at the Altar (dinner people this is the Celine Dion line!)

French Lesson

Beyonce

Tony Blair (must watch haha)

Spittin' Lyrics (haha i just found this I like this a lot Mathew Horne looking ugly/cool in there)

Omg I'm finding more haha. Oh well I'll be rewatching those that I love, like the Altar one and the french one haha. Omg I'm finding so many I think I'll be posting more of her videos in the next few posts...

Ok good luck frenchies, good luck jappies (especially Jon who was practising to me today with Huixiang and Desmond with their running translations, and Jon who has his friends blogs on RSS feeds (!)) for oral tomorrow! Wish me luck!

PS: Haha Ko and Weiyuan went to my mum's place to cut hair today, came out with almost the same hairstyle hahaha it was super funny especially to see Ko with his new hair. I mean, it's really amused me that he looked so different (and that I hope is the case for lynette and jiening too) but it's a good look. I think it's cool.

back again from the back again.

2008-10-02T00:46:00.002+08:00

The most annoying thing, the thing that pisses me off the most about my life is the fact that I have completely lost my momentum to study. That's the biggest thing I want to angst about, that I feel can fulfill the expectations for Ye Wei, the angsty blogger (if the readers do expect that). And I haven't written in prose for 20 000 years or so it feels, and it's kind of tiring. It is 0048, I have accomplished close to nothing today, and I feel like I might as well just give up.

Oh well not gonna give up though. Might have to reinstate myself at the Cok residences hahaha.

In any case, here's a treat for the returning readers!

Catherine Tate Translator

Lauren Cooper Burger Bar

The problem about Lauren Cooper is that a lot of her works work on the prior fame of her "Am I bovvered" lines. That means that there are jokes that build on that that people will not get (as is with the Burger Bar one). It's like how I showed the video to my French tuition and MOELC French class and everyone just stoned. It might be the accent too I think. But no worries, the Translator is accessible for all haha.

In any case I think Mathew Horne (the dude in the Burger Bar) is super cool haha I want to be like him. I've just got the History Boys to see if I can pick up a thing or two from him haha. He's ugly but cool that's where I'm headin' haha.

Has anyone pre-ordered the new Jay Chou album? Damn I missed it cuz I haven't been chatting with Yan Jie. But he updated me with the new song: 稻香 Not too bad, it's what I like about Jay, can't wait for the new album though.

Oh and I found, at the same time as starting this blog, all the past blogs that I've been part of! It's terribly exciting. There's my cardSGarage blog, my business venture which I hope to take off with Jon Yee (who has decided we will explain to Mr. Lee that we won't be able to submit our peer/self evals tomorrow, today, whatever) (me loves the cards all big and nice like that); my blog with Shane and my O.G. blog! Haha although they were all kind of dead.

Serene came and told me that she visited my blog just today, when I had just restarted it! Haha it really is pretty freaky. Does she have an LJ now though saw it in her nick. Taiwan outing this saturday, PWNZY outing this friday oh what am I to do.

Night.

back again.

2008-10-01T23:20:00.002+08:00

it's almost... laughable. That i'm here again. After, what, a year? Haha well it's nice to look through my old messages and realise I didn't stop just because I left YTWISILU behind. I left other things behind too.

I guess I need to revisit this age-old topic of YTWISILU. It's over, I was stupid, I don't ever wish to have anything to do with it anymore. Maybe I shan't post about my love life anymore.

Hmm. Need to change some stuff about this template. I don't even remember what the line there is saying haha. My wants is kind of... true but left behind too haha.

But not tonight. There's a lot of work to be done, and my tenant needs to use the internet for somma her NAFA work. Cool huh. And I got to do my self/peer evaluation (which Jon doesn't want to do for me!)

I think I know why blogging got tiring for me. I like to say almost everything. It's like my "Last Episode on Ye Wei's Life". Rarr it's tought it's tough. To have to cut things down.

Oh wells, congrats to me on being back on the blogging scene (you know the number of councillors who blog amaze me).

a little work done, a little pleasure gained.

2007-06-14T02:45:00.000+08:00

it sure as hell feels good to finally get work done.

but that being said, i'm gonna be getting work done almost every day and every snatch of time I get, so I'd be pretty busy. Other than what I've already decided to go ahead with, whoever comes to me with more activities to take up my time I'd promptly refuse. That includes Othello rehearsals.

Of course, unless it's you, YTWISILU, or Crush, though I highly doubt either. I do hope though.

I heard from Amanda that I missed a High Five outing? WHAT THE HELL? lol nah kidding I'm fine. I was studying anyway.

Feeling better. I still miss YTWISILU.

paper hearts.

2007-06-12T00:56:00.000+08:00

i'm slightly high right now, on fatigue. the ice wine didn't help.

i just folded a heart for YTW. Wrote a note to her too. I'm tired. Joan once asked me if I sing to her and said it was sweet; I think it'd be too if I actually could.

Kill me now.

Sore throats.

2007-06-10T09:09:00.000+08:00

I'm at home now, when I'm supposed to be practicing for Something Good which I'm supposed to be performing for later. Because my throat died. Arrgh... This is such a good experience and I just dropped it. And there's no Tapestry to make up for it. Sigh I don't know what I'm doing.

I think it's because of the late night last night I spent doing up the Bishan Home notes. My VWO group, take heed of my efforts!

I'm not sure what to say now. Maybe I'll meet Shane for basketball or study or something.

Haha ok I just typed an entire paragraph on how through High Five my impression of non-Raffles/HC people has changed, but I decided not to put it up cuz I know not how to tread this ground. If you want what I think you can just ask me someplace else. Oh but wait, by changed I mean for the better.

I think I'm picking up my work style... And it's feeling good. Haha.

so busy.

2007-06-09T10:21:00.001+08:00

hey all.

it's been a long long time since I last blogged, wasn't it? I think it was almost 3 or 4 weeks ago.

Well I've been darn busy, what with council and other things throwing themselves in my face.

And also, been writing to YTW, so I didn't really feel like writing here again.

Anyway I will talk more later, if I am inspired, if I am free.

High Five Camp Vivant Group 3 Bananas Rock!

YTWISILU = <3?

2007-05-13T10:53:00.000+08:00

I just had a not very pleasant conversation with YTWISILU last night, and sent a message.

YTWISILU, something is wrong... You don't say 'I love you' anymore. Not even 'I love you too'. What happened please tell me... I'm trying like hell to not think about you. And perhaps my loving you is putting you off? Whatever it is just tell me. I hope to god that it's me and it's not you, cuz if it's me, I can change!

Somehow i think that i've put up the situation for you to leave me. But... if there's someplace else that makes you happier (or someone else), I guess i want you there. Somewhere which you are sure you're happy at. I couldn't think of you leaving me earlier on but now, i can't ignore the signs... Am I being paranoid? It'll make me so darn fucking sad but I guess i need to let you go... But i will never make that decision. Cuz I'm still in love with you and i will never choose to leave you. But if you do, then what can I say?

shan't say anymore, I don't know, I'm afraid that somehow this gives you more reason to leave me. It pains me to love you, but give me pain, give me 10 000 ulcers, i don't care. I still do. You're the best.

Emo-ing sucks. It cripples you. I can't work. And I got a hundred million things to do....

sweltering heat. oppressive.

2007-05-10T13:04:00.000+08:00

first post title with 2 full stops in it (i think).

and yea it really is mad hot these days. Weiyuan said the other day that this is the dry season. Well, I just hope that it passes really soon cuz it's very very warm and it's making my ulcers worse. Have I told y'all about the ulcers? 5 bloody ulcers in my mouth and it's driving me nuts. I have porridge as lunch in front of me (haha my maid added ham to it interesting) and i can hardly eat without wincing in pain. Oh please someone save me... Any possible remedy I am glad to try it.

later i'm going to doctor to get MC, and hopefully some ulcer medication. Please pray for my mouth.

why am i blogging less now? I think there are 3 reasons. 1, is because I've been mother busy and this week whole week i will be home only after 9 (yes, even the weekends)... And it's very very tiring. I'm actually giving up alot of opportunities in RJ like Jazz performances, CIP projects (junda's Bendemeer Kids) and stuff... And cuz i settled myself down for those long-term commitments like Othello. I mean, I'm not complaining, but I'm afraid i'm pissing people off/letting people down in terms of responsiblity and work capability. My grades, or rather my study attitude in class, is suffering and i've not lived up to my responsibilities. Sorry Lynnette for leaving you with all the work for dance comm. Sian. 2, is because I have buddy book to write in! Kristel and I write like whole essays in that book and we talk a lot. I think our book is darn cool! But it kinda gets hard to keep track of what to reply to. 3, is because I'm happier now. I think. The only worries plaguing me are my studies. In a big way anyway.

YTWISILU is sorely missed. I miss everything we did together! I love you very very much and i like where our relationship is going. You're so sweet.

So... right now in my life i'm trying to get back the Superman worker i was in Sec 4. So i'm slowly bringing in more discipline in the plans i make and keeping to deadlines. Hopefully i'll cope better.

Still thinking of YTWISILU.

one hell of a weekend.

2007-05-07T22:08:00.000+08:00

haha sorry i hadn't blogged in such a long time... last week i was kinda busy, and the weekends i didn't even return home! haha had two stayovers, and tonnes of activities all day long. Friday: Match Support until evening, then went to friend's house. then Saturday: morning, High Five tea session, afternoon Class IMH Learning Journey, night Marvin's party, then went to friend's house. Sunday: stoned at friend's house until 3, then Vibe@DXO, then Xinyi mini-party.

haha above is like a short summary before i start my super long essay about what happened... i didn't go home for like 60+ hours? but it wasn't 72. so almost 3 days. BUT before i start my essay...

YTWISILU WHERE ARE YOU! I know you're tired with training... but i really really really miss you so bad. especially after what happened. i don't know it's like you can dao so well in school that it's almost like it's real... and it kinda scares me? cuz everytime i see you i want to hug you and kiss you. it's really bad, it's gotten way worse since the weekends and i simply miss you so bad. so bad. but now you don't come online and i can't talk to you except for the short SMS conversations we have... (again the fear of tagginess arises) and it's worse when we meet cuz all i can do is stare at your pretty face, your pretty face i love so so much you are so beautiful i mean like you are so wonderful person and looks and all and then i don't know what to say. make a joke about you to another person you look at the other person only. i really really hope you realises how much this boy here is in love with you, and think about me more... Cuz i think about you every chance i get it's quite nerve-wracking. And i really really hope that what's between us is more than what happened THAT NIGHT. you get what i'm saying? i really really hope so because i'm scared! i'm already yours! you could do anything you wanted and i can hardly refuse you... i love you + i miss you x 10000000. [so much more to write but i's a mess of tangled strings in my chest.]

Crush... um, you ain't YTWISILU.

ok. actually right haha there are alot of things that happened in those two days i described above. hmm. haha i post a video of the most memorable thing (hi clyde and a.j. of New York New York if you're reading this) haha it was so funny. lol.

i miss YTWISILU.

miss YTWISILU lots.

YTWISILU is killing me. win.

alot of things, maybe in retrospect i'll talk about them but not now, cuz i got work to do and dinner infront of me to finish lol. ok see ya.

miss you YTWISILU. tonnes.

weird weird day.

2007-05-02T22:51:00.000+08:00

today was kind of tiring. it was a gloomy day and rather stone, but i could get by on adrenaline. why was i so tired? because the night before i had 2 cups of tea with the satchet milked to the... leaf capillaries? i don't know. and it's funny cuz i'm drinking tea now as well, cuz i have quite a bit of work tonight. i'm waiting (hoping) that YTWISILU would appear tonight... i hadn't talked much with her today. but i left a confession on her MSN window haha.

mm. match support is fun stuff! i never knew i'd be so on, especially when I was falling asleep before the squash match started? haha i was, in the words of muhd, "animated". haha does anyone see a CCAD-er ahead? and then after the netball match (which we pwned too) we played netball and kind of pissed off Jerik and so, sorry Jerik haha. and during the Netball it was quite fun becuase i made a few dirty jokes and the coach of SAJC was being really fired up and angry and shouting like nutz, reprimanding his players? then he passed on the evil to his star player captain, who started shouting at the players too. too spoilt by her coach the RJ coach says. hmm i wish i could have taped it down.

YTWISILU i love you! actually i wish to write alot more but the caffeine from the tea hasn't kicked in yet so i'm not in a thinking mood haha.

umm... jealousy.

2007-05-01T22:25:00.000+08:00

hmm today was a fun day somewhat. but like yesterday sudden rush of emo appeared as it closed.

BB councillors (or at least some of us) went to KBOX! haha this is the first time they gave us like 2 hours more for the same price... Quite fun. We sang alot of songs but that's only because we cut the songs halfway.

then we watched Spiderman. i didn't like it that much because maybe i was expecting alot (though i didn't watch Spiderman 2). i mean the whole fighting with himself thing is cool but the whole movie just didn't hold together well. like the way the villains were so easily defeated. c'mon, venom is way more powerful than that?

then the BB councillors and the little bit of Ocomm went for dinner. quite fun (as i went being crazy again in Swensens) but a few problems too. hmm i'm not sure what to be around Sabby. she kinda scares me. hmm. and then i danced Para, but got totally owned by Isaac and that girl who was dancing before me maybe? haha but it was fun. i hate dancing when people are watching me.

hmm had a tonne of things to say about ytwisilu... but since we had a talk, i have nothing left. i'm so glad we had that talk.

got work to bia. night night.

happy day but unexpected surprises.

2007-05-01T00:37:00.000+08:00

haha today was the happiest day for me in a looong looong time. I felt alot of burden off my back and that suddenly everything was shining bright. why?

1. I kinda pwned Chem SPA. 3 titrations, close to perfect technique, great values, finished all questions, and still had time to wash apparatus. haha.

2. Tomorrow (or rather today) is a holiday! yay!

3. YTWISILU liked the card.

4. Our College Play is finally sold out.

5. Wang Ting tells me that I currently have the most CIP hours amongst the whole cast of Othello.

and a number of other things. I was skipping around the school... But I kinda burned out by Othello rehearsal with Darren. I mean we were reciting lines and I fell asleep maybe? haha. then got super high in CR, then died again during Elections. I didn't even get nominated... But i'm fine la, minor setback cannot put me off the happy mood. Actually I suddenly had second thoughts during the wait, and wanted to pull out, so perhaps this is a blessing in disguise (i wasn't sure I wanted the commitment).

but it opened me up to two things about myself. one, that I am kind of idealistic. I really am. I think perhaps it is because of a dreamer personality that longs for something better? Some new situation where I feel good and can love myself (hi shu)? Yea... I always think of future circumstances. Like today the Council Elections I even prepared a script waay before welfareD came into the picture... Now I think of it quite dumb right? And I always dream of what would happen between me and YTWISILU, but as john legend says, i think we should take it slow. i'm trying to be less dreamy and seeing the current pragmatic picture. two, that I've lost the mature personality of primary school. it's funny I get less mature as I grow, but I remember telling myself that I don't want to lose my childhood so quickly... Cuz before we know it we'll be old and have many more things to take care we won't have time for innocence like the good old times. I mean look at this year, without a word 5 years have zoomed right on... I think I'll cry as I watch the j2s leave. I remember Sherry telling me that last time in p6 she used to think that me and my gang were waay more mature than the rest of them, and I also remember someone saying that right now I act like a Primary 3 kid. haha is this a good thing?

surprises:

1. you asked me for my number? I don't get it.

2. Random people disgusting me at elections.

3. no I love you before you go?

I decided to use my How to Get Cool Grades without Losing Your Reputation as A Really Cool Person. I really like that book, it helps me alot haha. tomorrow got kbox and Spidey 3 movie outing with BB Councillors kinda excited. and I'm very tired now sorry for irregular posting.

Good Night.

fufillment can only bring more hope, can it?

2007-04-28T23:51:00.000+08:00

my first post with a question mark in it.

today... was nice. ahh got a thousand and one things to say again, but here goes:

"I love you, but exactly because of that I cannot take the fact that you don't reciprocate the love. hardly are you the initiator of an MSN or SMS conversation (i hardly dare to wish for you to be the one to ask me out)... I don't hate you for it. On the contrary I thank God for the fact you don't refuse me nor reply to my love. but to reply is different from to reciprocate. Ah Heaven knows i shouldn't be complaining... You're way out of my league and yet you're here next to me. However... (and i have no idea what is the right way of putting this) it seems something has happened. Has it been regained? I don't know. You are still waiting to figure things, and i'm waiting for your wait to be over. You have no idea how much I think of you and contemplate what is the best way to have you, to convince you of my love. Sometimes I think of putting off talking to you so that I don't seem like I want you so much... So much such that maybe in some weird sense of logic you don't bother to like me back. Sometimes I think of being less in love and more friendly, but Hell am I not in love with you? You decide to play it safe right now, showing me a flag and sign of love which is only because I show the same to you, but never committing yourself to loving me. I don't even dare to tell you this! It's funny how I feel so much like this relationship requires alot more coming from you but I haven't guts to risk it ending altogether. I'm yours, and as Fate has dealt me a beautiful, beautiful hand in you (i love you), perhaps sometime you would learn to love me as much as I love you. there's still so much we have to go through together, and i do hope it gets there. i love you. [s: don't take what I've said as resentment towards anything between us... Damn should I even have said it? What if you use it as a reason to build on the skeptical feeling you have in your heart now? I love you, I can't have that happen. "

yea... a little emo thing to

today was kind of an eventful day. went for jazz performance (shucks I still need alot of work on stage confidence. can anyone please help me?). I sang Spiderman, Quizas and That's All with Yvonne, all of them with the mike shaking in my hand... And since the audience is closer they probably caught it too. Yvonne and Kelly were good, I screwed up here and there. Hmm.

And then stoned around with YH then stoned around alone then went for Deb Fung's concert which was really disappointing. Sean was sleeping la. He proclaimed loudly at the end of the concert "I can't believe I spent 15 bucks watching this shit." Haha it was quite funny. But Deb Fung was not exactly anything special, and she didn't have an ounce of worldly desire nor evil; her songs were all so cheesy, feel-good and full of hope for a betterment of the world that a collection of about 10 of them really put us off. The music wasn't very good either. And she so much cheesy banter before her songs explaining the songs as sean pointed out. sigh it wasn't money well spent.

but neither was the 20 bucks I spent at the arcade.

good night.

excited.

2007-04-28T09:57:00.000+08:00

last night was soo tired. it's that kind of whole-week's-fatigue-catches-up-on-you kind of thing. whoa i was so tired i hardly even spoke to YTWISILU.

but... that's all i'm going to say about YTWISILU. i don't wanna say no more. (except maybe i love you!)

today is going to fun! concert at esplanade library... i hope i don't get nervous? i'm doing Spiderman hello how fun is that song? and Quizas which i have already done before already... and then that's all which is a song i dedicate to... the above abbreviation. haha.

anyway need to go for poly appointment already... sian. ok bb!

i. want. to. sleep.

2007-04-27T05:15:00.000+08:00

I awoke at 2.30 this morning, lazed in bed till 3.30, then woke up to do stuff. Right now I am waiting for my videos to finish downloading, so i can put them into my phone together with the songs i'm performing for Heartbeat of the Drums. Hmm quite unfamiliar, and i realised that Ordinary People is back up song for this sat! Sian i still need to practise it and stuff.

today i was a little emo-ey, YTWISILU might know why. i asked you whether you could love me back and you said you didn't know... i think that's cool. that you could so freely tell me things like this. and say things that drive me nutz. i like it when you ask me questions about the relationship (it shows you give at least the littlest of shits) and no, i do not overregard you... you're really so sweet and cute and funny.

hmm today (yesterday) was a normal day... nothing much. came back early in fact and had a lift from Heidi's parents (thanks Heidi and Parents!)... i like coming back early. but i hate having to keep falling asleep. got to fix that.

oh i thought of something during French lesson that i wanted to blog about... can't remember what it was arrgh darn. it was like a witty wordplay i created. sian i will remember it sometime later.

maybe we should take it slow.

2007-04-25T20:19:00.000+08:00

whoo blog post 180! i like this number, albeit with month-long stops. wait isn't 180 that number in Final Destination?

well today went well, except for, as said before, waking to find i had not done stuff as was planned. But never mind, tonight is quite slack. Piano, then French, then GPP and perhaps a little planning. Haha all this with me home at 8.22 AFTER having stoned at my mum's shop for about 2 hours. haha i think even though i have nothing on after school on mondays, wednesday is my short day haha. in fact just now we were stoning in MEP room, and Bagus and I were sitting on the floor doing Georgia. (that'd have sounded wrong if only Georgia didn't mean Georgia on My Mind, a song -.-") Then Adam and Huang came back and jammed a little with us (Ordinary People for busking in June, and Spiderman for Esplanade Library concert!)... Today Adam seemed extra bouncy, lively, happy... I don't know haha is it because he has officially relinquished his role for Jazz? btw Shu and Tsung Siang are VPs, and Royce is President! haha quite cool. jazz is getting more and more fun.

next week is production week! everyday go home late! hahaha must chiong hw... but this weekend keep going out lor. non-stop.

haha go SRN! our group for NYAA. SRN stands for the Singapore President's name because if we get NYAA gold, the president will give us the cert himself. how cool is that. grace it's ok you can still do the activities with us, and you can still count yourself an NYAA gold awardee! commitments commitments.

and i forgot to post... Huimin told us that when she read my blog during my emo periods, she would be so affected that she would be very solemn and walk into her room and write her diary... Lol i find that quite funny. As in how my emo-ing can affect people until liddat. Sorry huimin. And really my blog right, even the randommest people know about, come and ask me who crush is lol wth. but thanks all readers for visiting... no more crush mystery, is it still interesting?

YTWISILU: Uhh... I don't know what to say. I love you? But you know that already. Only today i realised that indeed me being me, i do give you alot to be confused about. I'm sorry, and still i don't think i could do more to convince you, and you told me not to. And so i wait, and hope that the answer at the end is not verbal, but a loving hug or kiss. maybe i'm being too dreamy? haha i don't know. i think of you every moment i get to, thinking about how to show you i love you and how you might show me yours... I can sense alot of unsurety in the way our relationship is going but i accept that. after all this -is- an unique situation. i cherish everything we do together and i wish for more time together too. maybe i'm ranting. i'll give you your time to think. you know how much i just want to hug you every time i see you? every thing you do... ahh i sound like a stalker. but it's true la. somehow i feel that in this time somehow the flow has been impeded, and something is lost between us. i fear that. i love you i love you i love you, even though i'm afraid to tell you because i'm afraid it'll make you leave me.

you drive me kind of nutz with love.

Heartbeat of the Drums.

2007-04-25T06:19:00.000+08:00

ah gawdammit i woke up this morning to find i hadn't done my GPP nor any tutorials. this sucks! hmmph.

ok anyway, i want to quickly promote this before i go for school:

Heartbeat of the Drums is a RJCO Percussion Concert held at the Young Musicians' Society. It's on the 25/05 (Friday), at 7.30. I know like half the people in RJCO Percussion (or at least i think so) and furthermore, i will be performing popular songs like 千里之外 and even classics like Music of the Night. I am currently sourcing a female singer to go with me so yea, it's going to be even better.

Please do come! I will be sending out a message to some of you. haha.

hmm.

2007-04-24T22:38:00.000+08:00

you left without saying a good night? ahh maybe i'm being dumb but i know you had training today... must be tired. poor thing, love you. i'm thinking of you so much!

Crush! hmm. today me and kristel had dinner at ding tai fung (alert: bishan branch does NOT have drunken chicken wth) and i think we talked about the whole YTWISILU and Crush thing. in fact as i talked to her about losing myself, i sort of found a little bit of myself again. it was a good feeling, like part of the puzzle has been put back in place. Hmm. just to let y'all know YTWISILU is not Crush. they are two different people. ok? but Crush i'm not the only one to appreciate your beauty... You really are hot and cute at the same time. And you are funny. It's so cool.

missed another BB outing at the playground... hmm. BB councillors rock i think. but today completed quite a number of things! so i'm glad. thank you w850i. it's ok i had fun with Kris too. Right kris? haha. KBOX with BB councillors! wahh i just sent a message to the egrp talking about them spamming and stuff... don't get pissed please. but really it's spam until li pu.

Shucks i submitted my High-five form but i didn't include my dad's NRIC. how?

nick chong is really damn damn nice la.

YTWISILU... love you love you love you. couldn't stop thinking about you. mm.

a simple, but high day?

2007-04-23T23:06:00.000+08:00

i'm starting to like the junwei way of speaking? and picking up some random lingo thanks? lol quite funny.

Ben-chan taught me another fun trick to play on people other than the cross-tapping-turn-head-wrong-way one that alot of people are familiar with my prowess at. haha it's quite fun shall try it soon. and must mix it with the double jack one. haha. ben-chan lately been playing with you quite a bit... it's been cool knowing you in RJ (even though i never knew you existed back in RI), and i can safely say that you're my best bud in 6R now... or maybe even outside that. haha. thanks man. towards KBOX/ARCADE!!

hmm today was quite high don't know why. like during othello i couldn't stop laughing, laughing fits as Daniel calls 'em. haha then the rest of the day very animated.

and today was the first time i hung out at CR for more than 1 hour. actually last time got but then it was with wang ting and i had to memorize lines so i don't really call that hanging out. but today was truly zuo bo.

wah kao my pictures for NYAA look like some shit haha. hmm going for NYAA, quite exciting. am i signing up for too much? haha. HFY too.

happy birthday huimin.

now cannot blog whole day le. alot of things happen. ah but new phone rocks! it's got alot of functions and help me to organize my life alot more now. thank you new phone!

ytwisilu not alot of people ask about you only ben-chan, and that's because i hang out with him alot. i loved the message you sent me today, i love you for being simply the greatest thing and i thank god that i can be with you. i love you beyond what those three words could say, and you say you know it, and i sure hope you do. can't wait till we go out!

crush? um, you hurt my feelings can? thanks for the rudeness on msn. but then again... haha it was nice what you did for me. haha so ambiguous until you yourself won't realize i'm talking about you. but yea very nice. just... don't be too caught up about being accepted cuz you are really quite perfect. today someone commented that you are quite cute haha.

a beautiful night of a thousand stars.

2007-04-22T03:01:00.000+08:00

but then again, on a not-so-happy note, i never had to push that hard to get my shit out. that was the mother of constipation. the bloody (not literally) doo-doo SANK. hahaha. ok there are alot more details but i'll save it for my memory or some other random shit conversation i have with people.

tonight's sky is great! the Astro club sure did choose a great night to have their camp. heard there was going to be shooting stars but i didn't see it in the time i was outside the house looking at the sky. TO TAIWAN PEOPLE (if y'all even read): the sky made me once again remember Taiwan... all the fun times we had staying up, the mountain resort which had the most beautiful of views... Where are you guys? Have we broken up? I miss the times we had. I wish we could have them again. just us, thinking about nothing but having fun. as Tatty put it, "it's the best thing that happened to me" (albeit misquoted i believe). Truly, i've learnt so much from you guys and y'all have matured me alot in the way i treat people. or rather, in every way. i think i would be a very different person now if not for you guys. we MUST meet up soon.

YTWISILU: i didn't miss you today. that's because i felt that we've gotten closer? you told me you weren't totally certain about what you were thinking and feeling, and i thank you for telling me instead of leaving it to some guessing game between the two of us. i'll wait... although i really really hope the answer in the end would be yes. i think of you all the time and i love you! love you love you love you. you're the best.

today was... almost a decadence day for me. a welcome break i enjoyed when i wasn't thinking about the next deadline or running about rushing. haha that's what constitutes a break now to me (just sitting around in the house doing nothing very important) but i really like it. It renews me for real commitment.

But for that i think i need my new handphone so i can have a more organized working situation. yea that i'm getting... today (since it is 311). Hope my mum would come down to help me get it all done.

and today had fun with councillors haha. the 26ths. they're really fun people! and boy is the council room a great place to hang out it's damn comfy and homely (though i must admit, a little on the warm side). junhao seems right at home tossing and turning on the bed haha. thanks wt for the rehearsal today.

ge chuang... um. yea. go nick chong and jian hui you guys were great!

watched Fracture. not bad, ben-chan was sleeping at all the exciting parts haha. the twist is quite.... somewhat la somewhat predictable. well made though. execution of plot was great. and before that me and ben-chan went to the arcade at RJ... haha quite fun quite fun. all very in the spirit of decadence. spent alot of money though sian. we've agreed to keep going back to the basketball game and prac until we break record (right now at stage 3). and i suddenly decided to play kiap kiap (taiwan people i thought about our times together again... told ben-chan about them) and managed to get the toy that everyone else wanted. haha blew an amount on it but yea it's worth it. the thrill is very good.

hmm replying to tagboard:

Meiyi: thanks... the concert was a success and thanks for the flower. are you still emo-ing? I'm cheered up already la :P

Shaway: it's ok, it's ok. and yea i won't complicate myself in circles. or at least i'll try.

Jamie: Hey jamie! yea really long time no talk. lol i think alot of people want to marry me. no need to say really.

NOT.

Shoo: yep thanks for the clarification. nice to know i'm loved. lol. yes thank you two alot for the excellent outfit. no thanks to the man who invented sizes larger than what fits me...

Heidi: thanks! i love it too. but it's been stained with make-up :( how do i get it off?

Ok just got back and didn't shower before deciding to blog. love you ytwisilu. miss you. thanks all for visiting!

coming down from a high.

2007-04-21T12:55:00.000+08:00

so... Jazz concert is over! hopefully i can get the pics to upload for y'all to see. I really liked my outfit haha. i kind of screwed up in my song but yea well it all turned out fine. i'll miss all the j2s!! it's really quite.. poetic the fact that our first performance is their last. but we had alot of fun! sesame street FTW! and j1s don't forget our plans for the Pokemon-themed jazz concert 2008!

then when ian sean and I went for Council thing everyone laugh. haha it was quite cool. i've heard comments about the people running... and some weren't so nice. and i agree with some of the not-so-nice ones. haha.

today was supposed to be getting hp, but no parent free, so i guess i have to stone at home. But i welcome this break. i've daoed SPCA, tossing it away as a lost commitment... all thanks to my brother Ben hahaha. So now i am kind of enjoying myself, doing nothing. I will meet yh later for ding tai fung (whooo drunken chicken babyyyyy) and then ben-chan for ge chuang concert... hope it's good haha.

just received a message from wang ting reminding me of rehearsal today. haha.

YTWISILU! you're just making me want you more and more? i love you so so so much and i think about you all the time. i think too much sia.... haha. hmm, even though sometimes i worry that you don't really love me, but then again i really don't want to doubt you so i take what you say as the truth. you never tell me you love me before i do, and you don't tell me you miss me. but i love you for even telling me you love me too at all, and not turning me away. and for being so darn cute and sweet haha. love you so so much.

Crush, you're still pretty. Once again i'm reminded of why i love you. And how you play as though i don't.... Sigh. You're really quite amazing how nutz you can drive someone.

thanks to all who came down to support me. sorry yh and shane if you feel daoed. haha.

another long day.

2007-04-19T22:55:00.000+08:00

today was not a good day at all for me. alot of bad stuff that happened to me. wanted to tell you ytwisilu but i didn't want to disturb you. i need a hug badly. very bad day for me.

still got alot of work to do now. see y'all.

long day.

2007-04-18T22:32:00.000+08:00

wow today... was filled with highs and lows.

highs: ytwisilu being sweet to me (i love you i love you), Organ dancing with Shu and Sean hahahaha, finding out my hp line contract has ended, getting new accesories for jazz concert.

lows: my hp spoiling, realizing that i'm not very prepared for jazz concert.

haha yea. quite tired now. can't blog much. Mel don't get too pulled in haha see ya.

to the taggers.

2007-04-18T16:48:00.001+08:00

haha shuli says i'm screwed up. she's here and once again we are in MEP room at jazz prac. skipped RP reh la i hope mr. lyon isn't pissed.

shuli says i would be screwed upside down. :( and got to go buy chicken in a biscuit so fastly i will finish.

JCX: Lol sorry i can't tell no one who Crush is. No one in this world will know! Nice to know you're feeling better.

sean: sorry sean haha.

meiyi: heyy... good to know you're feeling better. the world's looking up for a lot [ed: Shuli says it's two words -.-"] of us eh?

xinyi: except you. hey next time you feel down, look at the card i gave you and think about the pendant. those are your anti-emo charms k. people love you.

ok shu says i'm screwed up again. bye bye. got to go by chicken in a biskit. is one packet enough for the three of us? i dunno. hahahahah see y'all later. love you ytwisilu.

poems.

2007-04-17T22:51:00.000+08:00

it drives me crazy when you wave
hello to me from across the people.
it drives me crazy when you bid
farewell to me 5 minutes later.
i love your smile,
it gives me high,
like nothing i ever had before.
But,
when can i hold your hand,
and feel your hand squeeze tightly in response?
When can i stay with you,
play with you,
or hear the three words
"I love you"
from you?

Because i love you so.

YTWISILU i you gave me alot of highs today and i love you love you love you. but i don't know how to know whether you really do love me too. i want to trust you but like i said i think too much, and... i don't know. whether or not i'm sure of anything i'll keep loving you. I thought about you all day.

To Crush:

You do dislike me,
And though the world can't see it,
I do adore you.

Maybe going, gone,
But of my heart you will still
be a special part.

Sigh. nights.

jazz rehearsals.

2007-04-16T18:09:00.000+08:00

hey all,

i'm in the MEP room. our band got tired of practising haha for this friday's concert. it's gonna be quite fun, and i have a little skit for my song. Right now Yvonne is doing her econs mugging (thank god i haven't econs!) and kelly and her band are kinda pwning our asses? haha they're doing stormy weather and it's very nice.

hang on xiumin ask us go to the room.

lol wanted me to carry something but bagus got to the man of things. haha kelly is really good! i can see yvonne watching in awe. Hmm i think my singing is the worst maybe of all jazz? somehow i feel like i don't sing as well as i used to do. or rather, i don't enjoy it so much? yea yvonne is definitely way above me... She was singing her songs with Pris on the piano and her with her beautiful lounge voice.... Haha very nice. I can imagine one day when I am just sipping on a martini in some hotel with my wife, i'll hear her and say "hey, i know that girl!"

haha we're waiting for our turn to perform. I'm very worried actually. Today is full dress and it's all the way to 8!! hahaha i had plans for tonight and i don't like my plans being screwed up. I should look at my plans again after this blog post.

Go Kelly!

Crush, today someone thought you weren't likable. they thought of you as crude and not very good partner material... and i kept quiet. i didn't want anyone to know i liked you so much, but then again as the days go by and we open up to each other i feel like the feeling fading. perhaps (perhaps perhaps hahahahaha) it's been too long since i should have realised you couldn't love me. maybe only Z. Y. hahaha hello shuli and huizhen heh. ya. maybe everyone else but me eh?

Will we ever become as good as the j2s? they're really good! james looks very out of place on piano hahaha he's like playing with his leg crossed. haha but he seems good lor! the guitarist i don't know but the bassist was the girl who decided that i shouldn't join Street Dance! haha but never mind i'm not unhappy.

Hey ytwisilu. I missed you much today. and i wanted to just have your messages coming into my phone all day long and never having to fear that you don't wish to speak to me. but i do, and in fear of being taggy, i shan't talk to you too much k? but when you say "love you too" to me it makes me DAMN DAMN DAMN high. hahaha you're so great to me. ok stop talking ye wei.

(wonder if you did see my posts about you? the random piano playing and singing today made me emo about you. made me want to learn piano so i can sing songs for you or, rather, about you for myself. i'll sing to you if you want?)

haha very long post cuz really nothing to do in the MEP room. Fingers almost freezing up. The BB people are packing the goodies and i'd really love to join them but cannot! sigh. we're just stoning here but still i can't leave.

ok let's do a few shout outs other than to Crush and Ytwisilu.

Meiyi! Are you doing fine? Don't worry about me k, don't emo about me more importantly. I'm ok and i will be ok. just give me some time. be happy!

Huizhen? What's your blog? Lemme link you!

Xue Wei have you a blog?

Hi Shu are you having fun practising? haha by the time you see this you won't be.

Ben-Chan sian today never play with you.

Jon Yee please don't join Grace's Dad's lesson yet? Let me catch up!!

And Grace, don't let them in! hey thanks for letting me come into the lessons they're really great. kudos to your dad too. and the piano lessons (if your dad doesn't read my blog). i've been practising!

Who else? Hi BB councilors i think you guys rock. Shihua i promise you i will sing a jay chou song for you the next time k.

Daniel! Tell me asap when is photoshoot. As though you even read my blog.

JCX thanks for the concern you showed me a few days back. Really. Are you feeling better? I felt very sick last time, are you still feeling sick?

Ok too long le might put you off. see you later! maybe tonight. hopefully ytwisilu you will talk to me but even though i'm thinking of you i won't initiate it. not tonight. bye bye.

back from council camp.

2007-04-15T20:50:00.000+08:00

i was planning to type quite a bit about it but i found out that our juniors may be affected by the information we leak, so... go councillor wanna-bes! i support you! the camp was tiring (as are all) but very meaningful too. i look forward to seeing y'all next year. oh and sorry readers for not informing you that i was leaving.

kristel! haha everyone says you're darn nice and you're like the mother of council (in a good way if you ever did take offence) and i can't help but agree! you rock k! i won't ever forget you. you know when you got down next to me during the oath recital thing i was quite moved. the one time in th camp i wanted cry haha.

lol i just saw the tagboard. thanks y'all for reading. i think there's going to be another mystery (and by no means did i decide to add it so that y'all will keep reading. honest.)

Crush! Haha i think now, we're friends. i still think you're great great great but... as lily allen says, with a little help from my friends i got better. actually alot of help. thanks to all! Crush... Heh no one will ever know who you are. Current suspects of who you are:

1. Sabby Lau
2. Liang Shuli
3. Weishan
4. Some j2
5. Some guy -.- lol

anyway.

YTWISILU! you rock you rock you rock. you're damn sweet and you make me high and happy and everything. even though maybe i think you don't love me as much i love you, but i still love you alot! alot! from the words of FIR, baby you are always on my mind. Literally. i miss you all the time.

bye bye everyone.

yet i'm nothing more than a line in your book.

2007-04-12T23:47:00.000+08:00

have i used this title before?

hmm another day of hectic rushing. every break i had i was rushing my practice for the piano and guitar lessons today. in the end not very good not much progress quite sad. sorry grace and dad. i will work hard! but yea so hectic rushing until didn't have lunch nor dinner until 10. hmm. i think i'm rushing to escape depression, but i much prefer this life to idling around. i appreciate free time more.

Crush, i didn't see you today. not even accidentally in the corridors or at the canteen. did it feel good? it didn't feel anything. sigh i still think you're great. do i miss you? i don't know. do i love the feeling of loving you? definitely.

Hmm... how should i say this? initials would not be good. you-to-whom-i-said-i-love-you (a.k.a. YTWISILU) : i love you la. hahaha love you alot. you make me happy.

a pretty angel.

2007-04-11T23:40:00.000+08:00

wow today is the first time i feel happy in a long time right?

i still got alot of stuff to do tonight so... lol might die. prac piano and guitar, then GP presentation (which i have no idea how to do) and possibly study french.

Oh dammit i shouldn't have stayed out so late. i finished at what, 10 30? haha even when i well knew how much i had to do tonight. but it was Mel's mini birthday celebrations! it was nice to catch up with her, laughing about orientation and being reminded she's actually 18 (sorry!). yea it was fun and i had to walk her home because i frightened her by describing Chan-Wook Park movies to her haha. sorry again.

anyway, today i felt emo alot during Council meeting (which was kind of funny because the 27ths looked very zuo4 xi4... haha chloe look darn scary). Explains why again i asked Mel for a hug. As in Mel Ho. the previous mel was Mel Wong. anyway yea, crush, again i say, what hurts the most is being so close; and having so much to say, and watching you walk away! and never knowing what could have been; and not seeing that loving you, was what i was trying to do. I really love you Crush. How are you? Are you ok? You know you are so cute and hot at the same time. and everytime i think about you and i come up with something great about you, i wish i could remember it until i got home and blogged it. But you seem very dao now. like you can't talk to me? it's sad. i hate that. again, older guys? the other friends? you like them older people don't you? asking for their numbers in my face? I love you.

one reason why i'm quite happy is, i get to see Crush soon (almost everyday excluding?) and that i may have found somebody to love.

night. off to rush work.

slip a prozac in my throat ; i don't want to know i don't want to love you.

2007-04-10T22:15:00.000+08:00

funny. it's the first time in days i haven't really emo-ed about you crush. you know not only are you driving me crazy, you're driving people around me crazy too. so many people want to know who you are, but... like i said i simply cannot tell anyone.

you know when i see you i go weak? i cannot concentrate on what i'm doing. today i guess i was doing a fair bit of work at every moment so i' m fine. i tried not to think about you. last night i cried (i told you you'd make me), and i told hongxiu that i wanted to kill myself. (sorry hongxiu now i'm too embarassed to talk to you) because i honestly did. as in there wasn't a reason why i wanted to die, just that i didn't think that living was going to be a better option anyway. in any case, you drive me crazy. i bloody go weak when i see you.

and the funniest thing is, everyone is wanting to know who you are, even you are. ok maybe you couldn't give half a hoot about who you are. but you know my friends can attest to the fact that recently you've totally emo-ed me to death. hmm. am i letting you go now, now that i can look to the brighter side? i don't know.

FRIENDS: thanks alot. i think that it's really not necessary to care so much about me. because i have this suspicion that i am subconciously actually just emo-ing for you guys to see. for you guys to care about me. for me to get attention. (and even as i type this confession i doubt myself too). i really don't know? but i'll emo and i'll handle it in my own way. thanks alot for your concern.

Crush, i emo-ed about you for 15 minutes waiting for 156 to get my file (thank god it was reported lost...). Here it is (uploaded too, have you seen the others):

Rascal Flatts - What Hurts the Most

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do

my favourite line: and not seeing that loving you was what i was trying to do. completely true. i was actually cheered up today by the discovery of postsecret... it was a real outlet for me and i'm going to write something about you k.

love you. to bits. till i wanna die.

"i don't think council is as clean... as a clean thing"

2007-04-09T21:00:00.000+08:00

Hi all...

Ok today is really really bad. As the people around me were cheering for the polo team i was thinking about suicide the whole time. Right now i'm not in a frame of mind to refute the fact that suicide is the best way out. but on with the day first.

today was fun, had alot of crapping and polo match support, which was pretty cool since we gave them a trashing. but it was the after that that was alot more fun, cuz yh and i met cat and tai boon and we crapped alot. we met cat's friends (hi kar hui, calvin/kelvin, and jun wei), and it was very fun cuz i never knew cat to be such a little sicko in her own right. now i have more crapping partners. and this jun wei is the 3rd jun wei i know now haha.

and here's a little quote by Tai Boon:
Me: So do you go around giving blowjobs?
Tai Boon: I don't -go around-....

then dinner with yh, and i'm here. i lost my school file on the way to CCAB and SBS won't pick up my calls... i'm very fretting now. it's one of those things that add to my "mental despair", as i refer to it with Mel Ho. i'm really going nutz. thanks to all who showed concern, really, and xiong for cheering me up, and whoever else. Thanks.

but i'm sorry, i can't help it. suicide is on my mind. i'm very tempted to just sit at my bed and contemplate suicide for a long time, but i have work. somebody -has- to do the right thing. today from morning until last lesson i was very extremely emo, because i saw you, Crush, and i just couldn't take it. i couldn't run my errands without feeling like being cemented into a wall. it's crazy. like i said the whole time at CCAB i just wanted to kill myself. right now i emo a little here it feels better.

ok i'm very afraid of being emo for attention... and there's no way i could know if i'm doing it. so if i seem like it tell me. but right now... the pain is quite some bomb.

Crush it's because of you. I cannot stop thinking about you. I love you so much, and i keep yearning for you to love me back. Please. Oh christ it's very impossible to try to balance you and the harsh workload i have everyday. I could die. Why, why do you come so near yet leave so far again? If i kill myself will you feel more than the little obligatory shock and sympathy? every morning i wake up i remind myself that no one in the world can know who you are, and that pains me cuz i can't share with anyone! I long to see you more, but i don't know what to do around you. I long to kill the people you rather hang out with than me. I love you, but the only way to have you is to not want you. It's crazy it drives me nutz and right now it's driving me almost to suicide. I would really like to take some pills and end my life right now. No wrist-sliciing, i can't take hurt.

I was right, eh? i was ok when i didn't see you, but now that i see you so much it's a high to be with you, a constant conundrum as to how to get close to you, but when i leave i keep realizing that maybe someday you could never try to love me, or realize i won't see you for another long time. knowing that i'm prone to being stupid, leaving my file behind or not being good at school work, it's doubly hard to have you in my mind as i do these works.

i really don't have any idea what to say. or do. i tried to cheer myself up, but you keep bringing me down. i miss you. i love you. i wish we could be together. you're the one person i need. please. oh fucking christ suicide on mind = not good at all.

love all. i hope i get out of it tonight.

much has happened in the past 24 hours.

2007-04-08T22:15:00.000+08:00

yea. alot. so i'm gonna keep ranting. whatever comes to my head.

ok today was a nutz day, because I have been running around until now. Probably the most hectic sunday i had for this year.

Firstly, I had to quickly make a mad dash for Hui Zhen's house, to pass her the Jap books which she left at my house after last night. To make things clear, me, ben-chan, xinyi and her had a little gathering at my house to watch 300. Then we had alot of fun telling fortunes. Xinyi is fretting but her future ahead is quite clear of obstacles. [Shit i can't stop thinking of crush as i talk about other things.] Huizhen on the other hand, needs to realize that her life now is quite fulfilling but at the end, Respite. Repose. Desolation. Solitude. Abandonment. And she wants to be with ??? [ed: by request of Hui Zhen herself.] according to the Xinyi fortune telling game. After that me and ben went to play some ball (we settled some form of strategy and we played A-B-Cs which i lost both times and he helped me practise under the basket shots). Then me and him went to Mac's to do our tutorials. He finished up till qn 7 of Math tutorial 4A, I finished whatever we could finish on Chem tutorial. One up. And then i went home to sleep.

I need to try the new bagel at Mac's, looks good.

Ok so i slept at 6.30 am and woke up at 10 30, then started doing my errands. Anachronism, but yea first thing i did was run to huizhen's house to give her the stuff. Together with her chem notes which i needed since i lost mine. i need to zap from someone like Desmond.

If i blog about everything that happens everyday, that will kill me and i will stop blogging. but this is one day i wanna talk about everything.

Then i couldn't stop at home so i had to immediately head for Ari's house for Jazz prac. Please be reminded that i haven't had any food up till now. Sometimes i'm proud of the way i run around and go crazy for work and stuff, according to my schedule, but one day it might kill me.

I love you crush. There was talk about you, and i couldn't stop thinking about you. I miss you bad. I'm running around to forget you.

Yea Ari's house is very fun because it has a full band equipment, so we could jam. I did my song very quickly (need it more work? i think so) and sorry yvonne, but fell asleep during her practice. I was tired... then there was food so after Summertime was settled i devoured the chicken wings. Ari's mum is damn cool! His dad too. And the kuehs were nice. I think i'm starting to appreciate Ari's amazingness. He can play drums, piano and guitar, it's quite cool. and he's cool doing it too. He played Ordinary People by John Legend for me to sing to, and it was great. Listening to it now. I will upload later. Then we practised the Esplanade pieces (actually we didn't but we jammed. i'm very off on livin la vida loca). Then we jammed alot, it was very fun, and me ari and clara had a little chat about people. Clara tell me about Darren and Anita!

Too many things to do. I'm feeling like Not I by Samuel Beckett.

Then quickly rushed to meet Grace so i could have my piano and guitar lesson. Thanks Clara and parents (who was the other woman), i wouldn't have gotten there in time if not for your lift. The first piano lesson was really fun. Before that I was at 7 11 and i was loitering because time was not up yet so i felt like i was going to steal something haha. Last time ben-chan and me was suspected of trying that. hahaha now councillor no more crazy shit like that yea.

oh yea speaking of councillorship i threw away the very good article about Council results and how friends who got in and friends who didn't felt very awkward. but i still love shuli! you rock.

Yea Grace's father gave me 3 weeks worth of stuff but i know that that's only because he trusts me to do well. So i must practise. And Grace, I found alot of stuff which i will show you next lesson. I must practise piano also. I wanna be able to play Ordinary People. Sian. How long will that take? Grace took 13 years to learn till Grade 8. I might die by the time i'm done.

And now i'm back here. My father thinks i'm going around killing people or getting drunk and having sex while high on crack or something. My mum too. Look at my fucking schedule? I didn't even have time to eat and they think i'm wasting my life outside? What the fuck la these are the worse parents ever. They don't even listen to you. I don't give a shit anymore i'll purposely stay out damn late just to piss them off. They don't even bother to understand what i'm going through. You know my mum? I ask her to pay for my swimming lessons (yes i'm considering) then she say no say guitar lessons better. then she call me during Grace's dad's lesson i tell her i having guitar lesson she tell me not to take. WHAT THE FUCK! she's such a dick head.

But, this is gonna sound hypocritically, i don't know how to ask my mum for the laptop.

ah shit. i just chased my sister away in a fit of anger because I was pissed because i thought daniel was being stubborn and put an Othello reh during my jazz. And Grace just told me her father told her not to teach me anymore piano... WTH. I still want to learn.

Oh and Crush, i haven't spoken to you. Last night, Hui Zhen invaded my blogger and posted that. In fact, after last night, where a supposed confession took place and arrangement for date took place, i thought about you even more. I'll see you tomorrow, i will be glad while you are with me, but after that I will feel sad. CRUSH. crush. I miss you bad. i want to be with you. maybe because my mind is filled with a thousand and one things, but after i see you tomorrow it'll be only you. and though it's not a fantasy i still want you to stay.

I'm not a happy man. Hi ZY.

2007-04-07T22:31:00.000+08:00

IM A HAPPY MAN
crush talked to me, or rather, i talked to her, technically. for once i smiled and laughed genuinely!

not emo-ing...

2007-04-07T12:34:00.000+08:00

hey HZ don't angry leh please. i really cannot tell you who Crush is. i won't die one day... i'll take care. just chill please.

See Crush what you're doing to me? Everyone is worried about me because of you. And the worst thing is you're bringing hell to me without even knowing it. your chat window is open here, and i'm hoping you'd talk to me, but no. i'm expecting no. not even a "hey what're you doing now".

but today i'm a little less emo. alot actually. because i haven't seen you in a while. I know, or rather i speculate, that i might fall in love with you again the next time i see you, but right now i'm feeling less of the withdrawal. maybe i just need somebody to love.

thanks to all who showed me concern.

ok today i got to get around to doing things. tonight at 7.00 pm Ben Xinyi and HuiZhen (who is pissed because she thinks i don't trust her... it's not that sia) are coming over so i need to get things done by then. They want to watch 300.

HX is my fitness motivation! haha i also don't know why, but the way he's so on about fitness makes me wanna do good too. i'm gonna start my 100s again. Oh 100s mean that everyday that i have yet to do any physical activity, I will do a 100 of one exercise. For as far as i can see that is going to be pull-ups for a long time so that i can pass my napfa. sian. and also sports. right now i'm doing quite an amount of basketball. looking for more... anyone who wants to do sports and haven't a kahkee, i'm available!

they say i like shuli?

bye bye.

a pretty good friday to me.

2007-04-06T20:34:00.000+08:00

can't find your blog, huizhen.

today was pretty fun. hung out with shane and played ball and mugged at Mac's. Fun yet productive that's good. I found out that the movie rental store doesn't have Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance. I need to find it. I want another bball session this week. and i need to start training pull-ups! shit.

And the computer games store has a couple of pretty good games, but i'm not sure which to buy cuz i don't exactly know how fun they would be. I mean good as in the idea of the blurb. i guess i'll just go to Bishan library and borrow!

Crush... the more I don't see you, the more i know that the next time i do i will fall in love all over again. I just can't deal with the fact that you're so smitten by the older guys yet you don't give a hoot about me. It's not fair. I know who you are. You want to go out with ZY? Why? Crush i really like you... Even though easier-to-get people present themselves, i still like you. You just taking me closer and closer to insanity. Again, so many things i wanted to say to you but i don't remember no more. I totally didn't listen to emo music or trance music, so i'm still using work to drown you out, but... yea, i can't deal with you not liking me. sigh.

you are so oblivious.

Ok i have to bia work. Thank god (literally) for this holiday, now i feel like i'm catching up with what I need to do. See ya.

Crush... I hate having nothing to say to you anymore. In the past you sent me messages every night... I got to see your name in my inbox every night. That was nice. Now everytime i hear the ringing of my phone i'm hoping it is you. Or at least, talk to me cheerily like you did that night. i liked that.

I'm incoherent. Crush you don't know me.

amendments to last post

2007-04-06T01:59:00.000+08:00

whoa i just showered and re-read the last post... it was full of incoherent stuff. Thank god i cleared it up. Any other incoherence originates therefore from the brain. What i removed was what resulted from half-closed eyes.

closer than ever.

2007-04-06T01:29:00.000+08:00

Council fun! We had fun at council playing murderer and being drama. Xiong sort-of-in-a-way eventually joined us. ZY and Sabby are still avoiding the whole thing all together (though Sabby is pretty happy she's in love with him). Then some of us went and celebrated Wei Shan's birthday, which was fun cuz we sat there and crapped for damn long and i only reached home like now (1.31 am). They're at Shruti's house, where there is a beach. I got to get a ride from Steffi's dad... He drives a way cool car!

Oh and i had a flashback to when me, meiyi, kahlini (sp?), sherry and shihao were at East Coast Beach, and Shi Hao was like loning between kahlini and sherry and me and meiyi. instead of those people, it was steffi and dao jie on my left, and xian jie and shi hua on my right...

Meiyi, are you doing fine?

One thing which i learn today is that I cannot judge people anymore. Like, i am unable to read them anymore. this may be a side effect of the Polar Bear games we played today... Too much suspicion.

Hi Crush. I really, really don't know what to do anymore. It seems to me like you like them older cooler guys more. Immediately switching to their p.o.v. Agreeing with them. Basically, 'sucking up' to them. Today was the closest we've ever been (we had skin contact!) and all the time we were hanging out at Esplanade i was wishing i could have you by my side to enjoy the moon and the night sky together. But you... you are so damn ambiguous. There was so much I wanted to say to you since school today but it's all forgotten. Do you like me too or not? Don't let me guess in misery. But with grace to your judgement, my decision is based on my own careful consideration. Right now another person is between us, and this person is giving more hope than you're giving me right n ow. My Want-therefore-Lose and Don't-Want-therefore-Don't Care theory worked. I love you. I'm just wishing i could hold your hand. You talk to my friend and tell her everything just because she's next to you. Shit. I want you talking to me.

I really need a drink. An alcoholic one. To get away. You know Crush? I either plunge myself into work, or i get high on trance music. Either i can't face this Crushing face-on as Jun Wei says or... I can't. I'll try, but i can't. You're too beautiful. I love you.

respite from emo.

2007-04-04T21:26:00.000+08:00

is respite even a word? is it used correctly?

today... was a little less emo. maybe because i kept running around and had little time to stop and think about Crush. maybe it was because of the slack time i had with YH to go buy his mortal's present. maybe it's because i have nathan hartono and elliott yamin's new albums.

but thinking back about today... everytime i see you you make me feel sick. you make me feel like i'll never be good enough. close yet not close. it's like bringing me on a high then dropping me over and over again. i see you hanging out normally with others... why not me? am i not part of the cool crowd that's why? i liked the way you were last night.

huizhen thanks for the concern. don't show me too much attention cuz i scared i am acting or even sub-conciously emo-ing for others to see only. i need to figure this out on my own first. but thanks alot.

and meiyi too... thanks for the letter. i've always wanted to write you a letter too... but i'm so busy i never get around to writing it. i'll try to write one to you now. i think the sticker is very nice. and... i'm not someone you wanna worry/emo about la.

Crush, you read his blog, not mine.

Ok today i feel a little better. I think the Hawk Nelson song is the song i play to remind me of Crush, so i'll just keep listening to it. I emo when i have the time. Right now, since I have the time and energy, and tomorrow being lecture day, and friday's photoshoot being cancelled (woohoo!), i will try to chiong alot of things. my current commitments are:

1. Lit Week
2. College Play (Assistant Director for Rough for Theatre II -- go Rahul & Steffi!)
3. Jazz Concert
4. Council

My end of year plans include:

1. Andrea, Serene and Hongxiu Trip
2. ISLE trip
3. ACRES/WILD party
4. Orientation '08 stuff

Hmm i will bia. I think i'm doing fine with my workload.

Oh and sorry jon i'll get you the coffee tomorrow.

Bia tonight! Save tomorrow for slacking. Should i pon yet another lesson of french and go for council meeting? Cuz i really wanna hang out with them.

See ya. Less emo tonight. Maybe more later if Crush talks to me.

council results, crush.

2007-04-03T22:04:00.000+08:00

it's the most emo of many recent days. i'm on the verge of killing myself. 101 thoughts ran through my head as i took the bus home... sorry shu and chloe. i think i might be convincing myself to be emo, but... in any case, i am dying right now. i hate life. i really can't take much more.

First things first, Shuli.... How're you doing? I know you're a strong woman and you'll deal with it... but right now forgive me for feeling emo about you. I really wanted you in and in fact, like i said, you were the most deserving of all of us. there is much more ahead of you in RJ really, just continue to work hard and pursue whatever you want to. It's not like i'm going to not see you anymore, but surely meeting you every morning (at least) would have been great. I'll miss you loads. Like all the crapshit we've put in together. all the time we laugh and laugh at junwei and mel. and other stuff. it's not gonna be as fun now that we don't have an excuse to hang out...

I wanna give you a song. Today i was singing as we walked out of school. Christ I'll really miss you. Dammit. I'll upload it into the faves section. Not that it's really goodbye, but... Yea i just thought it was rather appropriate.

Natalie Imbruglia - Goodbye

VERSE
Everydays the same, I feel them merge
I try to separate, resist the urge
But they tell me Ill be fine
That it will all get better
Just try to write it down
Or put it in a letter

CHORUS
But the words wont play
And theres no easy way to say
Goodbye, Goodbye

VERSE
Keep my head on straight and dont-
look down
With all Ive pushed away Im losing
ground
But they tell me Ill be fine
That it will all get better
Just try to write it down
Or put it in a letter

CHORUS
But the words wont play
And theres no easy way to say
Goodbye, Goodbye

MIDDLE
And from the sidelines
Watch me fall down

VERSE
And I dont understand the things I do
But Ill probably be fine
As long as I keep moving
Ill try to write it down
So things just keep improving

Still the words wont play
Cause theres no easy way to say
Goodbye, Goodbye

Don't forget us. We won't forget you. You're amazing.

Now, crush. I said you'd make me cry right? Today you almost did, if not for the presence of Chloe and Shu.

There was so much I had to say about you. Like how you can't bloody see me when i'm so obvious? Like how you obviously cannot learn to love me because I'm not the sort who you like. Are you even reading this? You read others, but mine? I said i'll walk away but reality is... I can't! I can't. I just can't bloody turn away from how completely great you are. I might kill myself because of you, but i'll tell myself not to. Thank you ZY for being observant.

Tonight was perfect to think about you. I listened to this song (i've uploaded it too; i hope you download and listen) and watched the night sky. I've been looking for this feeling of night that I've been missing for so long, and I found it tonight. Beautiful moon. I don't know what more to say. FUCK WHY CAN'T YOU SEE?

I want to stab you. I tried to say goodbye but no... you just had to hold me back. why do you love him and not me? is it because he is already loved? am i just not good enough? let me know...

Hawk Nelson - Everything You Ever Wanted

I walk the line, leave it all behind
I've been waiting forever
Let's go back in time when I could read your mind
Still I've been waiting
It took the seasons going by to know it's not my fault

I tried to be perfect
Tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger
Tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

It's been so long since you've been home
I used to wait up forever
I used to say a prayer, wishing you were there
I'm still waiting

You told me once you'd show up, but I fell for that before
I fell to pieces then I woke up to no one
Just a picture of Jesus and a house left in pieces
It took the seasons going by to know it's not my fault

I tried to be perfect
Tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger
Tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

I want you, I need you, I want to believe you
I want you, I need you, I want to believe you

I tried to be perfect
Tried to be honest
Tried to be everything but you

I tried to be perfect
Tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger
Tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

I tried to be perfect
Tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger
Tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

You... you just don't get it. You don't. You come and show me how much you love him more than me. what the hell.

I don't know... I just feel like while others have people to comfort them, I totally cannot even let anyone know what I feel. My problems are my own to keep, like secrets, so I have to solve them myselves. and right now emo is all i can do before i slash my own wrists. i dunno how to get back to work. I wish i had someone to share my problems with but no! ARRGH.

shit i'm sorry. two songs for y'all to enjoy. crush you just... drive me crazy. you are... unreadable, to say the least. you play with me then the next you act like you cannot love me. i want to die.

good night.

and i'll probably be fine ; as long as i keep moving.

2007-04-02T22:36:00.000+08:00

crush... crush... i realised i'm in a dilemma of you. one hand, wanting you will make me not have you. and not wanting you will make me treat having you as nothing. and i'm wanting you and i'm wanting to have you.

i've decided to walk away.

as much as i love you... i've decided as such. right now i'll bury myself with work so that i don't think about you anymore. but when i see you again (i hope), i will be reminded, but i will try to forget. right now, you are only a friend.

i will still love you.

My Crush.

2007-04-02T00:36:00.000+08:00

i just wanna tell you that... i'm throwing myself into work so i can stop thinking about you.

you're just the best, but i can't have you.

newsreel is almost news from israel.

2007-04-01T15:57:00.000+08:00

haha i like this system of Fall-Out Boy-esque nicks. irrelevant yet interesting.

today... wow it's like everyday Crush does something different. ever heard of a roller-coaster of emotions? well Crush is the operator in mine. hmm... i still can't read you. i think i'm a little too obvious, but i still can't read you. i lay on the floor today for 2 hours listening to emo songs, thinking about you. Add "Everything You Ever Wanted" - Hawk Nelson, "Stand" - George Huff, and "My World" - SR-71. Hi serene.

One day you'll make me cry... I think it'll be pretty soon.

Thank god for Joel Lee sending me "My Crush" - Nathan Hartono sometime back. It still talks to me about you, but it's kinda happy and upbeat. His voice is really nice nice.

So now that i'm (sort of) happy and upbeat, I have decided that I will get around to work. I was supposed to have Edith Piaf but in the end, no need to go. Shucks i really have to stop giving up my commitment to French Connection. In any case.... I will be working on my academia and miscellaneous school-related shit today.

how does one blog? it's like as I type there are a hundred and one things popping up in my mind that i feel like i have to say. then when i finish number one, i have to skip to number 42 cuz everything in between has been forgotten. and at number 73 u suddenly remember 33 but you ain't got no space/method of slotting it in anymore.... hahahaha how? doesn't it strike you that my posts are very full of disorganized thoughts? like a D- PW presentation or something.

I think i will go crazy one day. I'm kind of sure of it. This probably will cause me to kill someone one day (which i'm pretty sure of too). But this someone could be myself so yeah.

Crush, you're driving me there.... Sigh.

And also i was thinking that people like me it -is- a little too ambitious trying to blog. I mean, I have 1001 things running at the same time, and have the next 2002 waiting to be completed in the next day... as much as i love to spill my guts out onto this platform for random people to read, i can't help but imagine that i will stop. again.

My Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance download finally completed, finally worked, but turned out to be in espanol. Shucks! I got to find the DVD somehow. Anyone has please offer.

And did I mention I was singing spanish for Jazz Night? I think so. 20th April, 8pm (i think) at LT2. Do come and support my band!

Oh and I should send out the RJC Lit Week Recruitment Drive e-mail to people after this. If you're interested in being part of the RJC Lit Week (which really to me is a big big big thing), do come down to LT5 next wednesday at 1.30 to sign up. Please do they're lacking in manpower, but that's not to say any dept you're in would be boring. It's all very exciting. The people are fun too. And you know how cynical-old-me is hard on being excited. it takes alot.... and this has taken that. hahaha.

And Othello makes me speak good and high-class english. I was looking at videos on Youtube and it was quite funny. Some were hilarious. I need to ask Mr. Ng if i should do it in a naturalistic way or melodramatic.

Clinically Proven plug: Vote for Oh Jun Wei, Liang Shu Li, Mel Ho and me please. I cannot fathom how the student population would not benefit from having all of them in the Council. They really rock beyond anything and even though they are not the sort to be all prim & proper, they're the new generation of 'best' that all of you would want to see. want having in-charge of stuff. it really it's true. and for a judgemental guy like me i really really hold them in high regard. in fact i'm damn glad i'm in their group. they rock.

Finally I'm done ranting. So long sia. Crush I'll miss you.

lots of walking.

2007-03-31T20:19:00.000+08:00

Well today did alot for me.

Hmm let's see.

Campaigner's video which went along without a hitch. Got to move posters tomorrow. Please vote Clinically Proven, we love each and every one of you who gives us your support. Oh Jun Wei, Ho Xing Xian Melissa, Liang Shuli and Foo Ye Wei. Thank you.

Then lunch with the cool gang which was fun. Me and shuli up to tricks again.

Then met HX and we walked everywhere. For damn long. From Orchard to Kino to Cine to Heerens to Far East. Met up with Andrea and Serene, ate BnJ then left.

Lol BnJ.

But I missed the stop home for the second time this week. Why? This may sound cliche but.... I was sleeping to dream about you.

I'm dreaming of sleeping next to you
I'm feeling like a lost little boy in a brand new town.
I'm counting my sheep and each one that passes is another dream to ashes
and they all fall down.
And as I lay me down tonight,
I close my eyes, what a beautiful sight.

Sleeping to dream about you
and I'm so tired.
Of havin' to live without you
But I don't mind.
Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired.
Oh, yes I...

I found myself in the riches
(Your eyes, your lips, your hair.)
And you were everywhere.
I woke up in the ditches.
I hit the light and I thought you might be here
But you were nowhere. (You were nowhere)
Well, you were nowhere at home.
As I lay me back to sleep,
This love I pray that I can Keep.

Sleeping to dream about you
and I'm so tired.
Of having to live without you
But I don't mind.
Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired.

(Just a little lullaby to keep myself from crying myself to sleep at night.)

Sleeping to dream about you
and I'm so tired.
Of having to live without you
But I don't mind.
Sleeping to dream about you and I'm so tired.

I always take this time to dream about how it would be like to be with you, Crush. What is your nick supposed to mean? Do you know who I am? Damn it. I really like you. I wanna scream in your face but I'm too damn afraid.

I'll miss you.

addition.

2007-03-30T23:13:00.000+08:00

haha you have to hear this.

today during GP alan was as usual trying to impress the GP teacher with his supreme intelligence. So he decided to point out and refute the teacher (who said that there was no woman who started a war). Here goes the conversation:

Alan: "You're wrong ma'am, Thatcher started a war."
Mrs. Davies: "Which one?"
Alan: "Margaret."
Mrs. Davies: "No which war?"

Lol i thought this only appeared in sitcoms. haha this is what they refer to as self-jack.

emo, tickled and touched all at the same time.

2007-03-30T22:28:00.000+08:00

Wow. Before anything, I want to put this poem up:

The coffee’s never strong enough.

For a friend.

You departed on a journey,

(Eva Air, boarding time 1100, gates close at 1130)

Along with 34 other people,

A journey of discovery (of self, others, and so much more).

1. Don’t expect anything, and you’ll get more than you ever hoped for.

Flashing colours, flamboyant clothes,

Exaggerated actions, singing high notes,

(You were a Player – why change what’s au natural?)

All led to you, being called gay.

“Wow, perfect face.” X said,

After merely a week, she was the one, he most wanted dead.

2. It’s no use being pretty on the outside, when you’re ugly inside.

Merciless teasing, shameful pimping,

Such unfriendly circumstances

Pushed us together, led to stolen chats, deep into the night.

There had to be more to this, you came to find yourself,

You wanted to be a flawless person,

Just like all the others.

3. Everyone has their secrets and faults.

Sleep as a necessity,

A temporary avenue of escape, I am a courageous person,

(isn’t that what we’ve been taught to be since young?)

I face my problems face on.

So you started on the coffee,

From having never drank before, to a daily minimum of three.

4. There is a reason God made us to dream.

Caffeine, when too much is taken, loses its effect.

Let’s move on to alcohol, after all, “I’m a big boy now.”

Too much, too much (only slightly lucid)

What could be wrong, I had people around me,

They were drinking too! (And ain’t that cool.)

Too much, too much (Fuck off, you bitch)

Some found you funny, other’s found you mad.

The ones that got pissed are those that really cared.

5. You gained new friends, but you lost some too.

Changing, morphing, evolving, remodeling.

A journey of discovery, did you lose yourself?

Changing, developing, modifying, advancing.

A journey of discovery, you found me, and I found you.

(who ever said you were the only one searching, on this trip.)

Changing, Searching, Learning, Growing.

You tried to be perfect,

You got that much closer,

You should have asked me from the start,

(I felt you always were.)

-- A.L.

I think some of you can guess who wrote this. But well, I have never had a poem written about me. Thank you Andrea, it's people like you who remind me I'm still loved in this place. Arrgh I really like the poem. I don't know how to say it, it's as though while it shamed me to be reminded of all that happened back in Taiwan, it was still a very deeply touching analysis of me (i know you're a reader) and it felt like i mattered. Sigh sorry taiwan people. I really love you and if I could I would change the past.

I'll keep it forever.

Today was very very emo. Crush was everywhere and, ask Junwei and Mel Ho, I was darn emo even when campagning. Thank god I had fun with my jazz band (i will advertise soon enough; i'm speaking spanish onstage!), and had Muthu, Lydia, Shu and Sabby to laugh my ass off with. I couldn't stop laughing until 50 m away from the bus-stop I alighted at. So yes, I was laughing to myself. Thanks guys. It was damn funny all the scenarios. We should make a movie.

Well, now, back to me and the computer and thinking about Crush. It'll kill me one day, and I wish I let it go, but I can't. Sigh. I'm never shy, but this is different. I can't explain the way I'm feeling tonight... I'm losing control of my heart. From "I Can't Read You" by Daniel Bedingfield, one of the songs from last post.

Sigh. Wish me luck with the weekend. Tomorrow got Council filming, then Othello GM, then yay HX, Andrea, Serene crazy relax day. Whoo.

the return of the emokidd.

2007-03-29T23:11:00.000+08:00

today really was an emo day for me. the whole day i couldn't concentrate in class because i was thinking about my crush. now i don't even know what to do. my heart constricts when I think of YOU, crush.

You know today because of that I went and prepared a songlist to sing in the shower? Here they are:

1. Emma Roberts - Mexican Wrestler "You will never love me, and this I can't forgive"
2. Michael Buble - You Don't Know Me "No you don't know the one, who dreams of you at night"
3. Michael Buble - Kissing a Fool "You are far, I'm never gonna be your star"
4. Elliott Yamin - Somebody to Love "Can anybody find me somebody to love?"
5. Rent Musical - I'll Cover You (Reprise) "Live in my house; I'll be your shelter."
6. Daniel Bedingfield - I Can't Read You "I can't read you; I wish I knew what's going through your mind"

Yea... As you can imagine it was a long and noisy shower. Very sad, even though in the bid to try and hit notes I was reminded of 1200 in my nick. Haizz jazz concert is coming up but I'm not prepared!

Crush... Stop playing games with me. Or maybe I just can't accept the fact that you may never like me. Siann. That's very sad cuz i really like you.

Hongxiu was talking to me about how busy-ness has kept him from thinking about relationship stuff and the emo-shit. I think that's a good idea. Grace? I'm ready for the lessons le.

Haizz daoing hw again. Haha. So slack la I.

Oh and before I forget, vote for Clinically Proven! Not just me, also Jun Wei, Shuli, Melho. If you know them vote them because you know how cool/talented/fun/happening they are right? And if you don't, approach me for a medicine pack for their biodata. But in any case, here's a brief summary of who they are: THEY MOTHERFONGING ROCK!!! They're really the best group ever. And I'm not one with low expectations of people in the social politics game. They really are every bit deserving of a place in council. So if you read this (how many are there man) please vote for them.

Blogging is fun. Night.

en etudiant.

2007-03-27T14:08:00.002+08:00

haha trying to blog in class shit quite exciting. i have no idea what mr. lee tat leong is talking abojut and like half the class is bloody stoning it's quite funny. everyone is eharing but not listening... And i'm juust asking jon yee for answers pretending to agree with him. lol.

i'm blogging because the others ask me to blog. hopefully i'll continue to blog. lol Grace is helping me block so i can blog. lol. i hope i don't get caught. Everyone is doing something else!! Heidi sleeping, teach lauching, huimin stringing....

wah grace very hard working.

well today i've got so much to complete. very very packed. one after another. how?

and shucks i'm crushing someone again. cannot.

yay hongxiu crazy day this sat. So fun. haha.

And about Council campaigning... You see, I don't know whether i should fret about the rest of my group. I mean in my honest opinion Jun Wei and Shu are relatively unknown compared to me and mel... So i'm really all for not getting in for them to get in. Clinically Proven is chao cool; i think they should get in. Instead of me. But I'll try hard anyway.

Well, xinyi was watching. So weird. Now grace is watching. Even weirder. Lol. I think blogging in school is fun.

Sorry mortals and other angel!

en etudiant.

2007-03-27T14:08:00.001+08:00

that was random.

2007-03-07T18:11:00.000+08:00

ok just woke up. I'm filled with the zest to complete many of the things I have neglected. Even right now the list is being filled out in my mind: get a tan, do up blog, practise guitar, do tutorials....
Being topped up with alot alot alot of sleep does this for you.

(but... i don't like being awake. i'm not used to it.)

Well, like i've said many times before, I start a blog with the prognostication (whoo GP) that I would stop sometime after and/or start a new one later. Well let's hope that doesn't happen too soon.

Why will my ipod not work? Itunes isn't reading my ipod. Everyone pray hard for my ipod ok.

I got to get some songs. And Yu Yang's hair.

vibrational.

2007-03-07T15:08:00.000+08:00

I'm not even going to say I'm back. Too much commitment.

Funny how the more I sleep, the more I feel tired.

Xinyi, have you started?

Campus Superstar preparation will be hell.

Gonna sleep now.

Need to change this damn template.

Bye bye.

a month has passed.

2006-10-01T11:35:00.000+08:00

indeed.

here i am, back again. much has happened over that month, and i'm back here at the time when i'm supposed to be most concentrating on my studies and exams.

despite shane and my conjecture that we'd stop after a while, it seems like it's only me who have done so. ah well.

anyway, i'm here. sorry for the month's break.

french folie!

2006-08-29T09:14:00.001+08:00

aiyoh, die la... it's 9.10, i have Mechanics of Structures at 10.25, and i have yet to study for my french... especially bad since this is one of my worst parts and i -can- actually study for this. die die die.

wish me luck, please.

french folie!

2006-08-29T09:14:00.000+08:00

old at sixteen.

2006-08-29T00:05:00.000+08:00

hmm. today we were having interviews for Exco positions for RP. shan't talk too much about the actual process, but i wanna say i felt like i was this really old person that was soon going to die. it finally hit me that i am going to leave RI! four years of tumultuous times here, and i'm sure the end would mark a dramatic step towards maturity... which is why i really want to come back from taiwan to enjoy my last moments with my classmates, before we enter the world of jc and girls... sigh. good luck all preceding batches.

and daniel is going to make the announcement regarding the placings for Dramafeste tomorrow morning. i hope my cast isn't there to be reminded what a flop this was, and thankfully i got out of remembering how lousy i was when i was in-charge. the confessions of a coward, but it's true, sorry.

working like i'm Andy Sachs in The Devil Wears Prada. got many stuff to do, and French essay prelim tomorrow which i have yet to study for. sigh. see ya.

omg!

2006-08-28T11:25:00.000+08:00

Go to watch this video, they've said that it is kind of gory, but personally i think it's fine, but you please use your discretion:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9F04dcB4DA

It's really sad. Now i really have to think twice about eating at KFC, although i doubt Singapore's chicken farm is like that.

the organization is at www.kentuckyfriedcruelty.com.

a revisit.

2006-08-27T09:04:00.000+08:00

hey... haven't blogged lately because.... well, i didn't. anyway, maybe now i feel like blogging because i was over at Yong Hao's today, and i sort of felt more alone than i would normally feel in my room because of the comparison with an hour ago. oh well, now even shane is going at it more than i do. but, even so, blogging naked is a new experience for me.

and a new experience for you as well to hear about someone blogging naked.

in any case. if you refer to shane's blog, on friday we watched North Country by recommendation from YH. that was my first intutitive critical attack at a film, and Niki(sp?) Caro's direction was really quite an eye-opener. before the classes, i wouldn't have caught the darkness befalling the car just after Charlize says "Yea, i know what I'm doing.", or the "Ear protection, ladies!" right after Charlize hears the miner say "cunts." Wow. But somewhere through the story it made me focus more on the storyline than the direction, because the storyline was rather interesting.

should i do a little review? i think i should, since it's worth watching. Josey Aimes, a single mother of two children, decides to work at a mine, where the male-to-female ratio is 30 to 1. There, she meets with tonnes of problems with the guys, mostly sexual harassment and unequal rights. She fights it, and the rest you can (or rather, should) pretty much guess for yourself. Well, i felt this movie is one of those movies that deserve a place in those award shows, but not exactly amazing, because of the drama-ness of it. as i discussed it with YH, we felt that the focus of the story shouldn't have been of the Mother-son relationship between Josey and Sammy, but rather about the predicament of the women in the workplace at that time, which this film is ultmately based on. while indeed, we can see that the director knows her stuff and inserts subtle innuendoes, i think it's more of the scriptwriter's skill that brought the necessary life into the story (isn't that always the case?). Nevertheless, we should applaud the movie for its attempt at greatness (i.e. to do a societal expose piece), and if you are a sexist you should watch this movie.

in comparison to The Devil Wears Prada that i watched yesterday, i could definitely pay attention to the latter as a whole. A girl goes to work at a famous magazine Runway, and turns from one of the amigos to a high-class snobby b^tch, after working there for a few months. I reeeeaaallly don't want to spoil the movie for you, but whatever you imagine to come next is probably right. TDWP had an interesting premise, actresses who made the piece work (ah!! Tracy Thoms!), but hardly anything beyond your run-of-the-mill feel-good movie. In fact, throughout the movie, i was constantly calling out for them to hit me with what they had to, like giving a second side to the villain, amongst others. (this seems to be a problem with North Country, according to many reviewers.) Let's look at the actresses then, since we don't have anything else to talk about. Anne Hathaway -- the only problem i have with her is WHY THE HELL DOES SHE LOOK LIKE A DUCK ON THE POSTER? omg. is it on purpose? anyway, she fit her role well. very pretty as well, even before the makeover. Meryl Streep -- ah, classic. but her character was too stereotyped. but, she brings her class of excellence into the picture anyway. Tracy Thoms! -- i don't know why i pick to talk about her, but i loved her in Rent, and i loved her in TDWP. my only regret is that she didn't get to play a role that was different from Rent; i sort of saw her twirling around in the same Rent circle, and she should break out and do more. she definitely can achieve more. and why didn't she sing?

ahh, haha, that was fun. reviewing movies. i should do that more often, and moreover with all the new movie bursting out of their seams at the cinemas. well, i have the series premiere of Vanished waiting for me in another window, before i have to get back to my tonnes of work. see ya.

musical galore!

2006-08-20T13:06:00.000+08:00

haha watched 2 musicals one day after the other, High School Musical and Rent, the movie. haha it's interesting to go from nice fun cheesy teen movie to homosexuality, strippers, and (as Anthony Rapp sings) "mucho masturbation". haha... they were good, except i didn't like many songs of Rent except La Vie Boheme and the 525600 song. haha.

man, i wanna do a musical. it's so nice to listen to musical music, like all those songs from Buffy 'Once more, with Feeling' or Moulin or whatever. i'm spam downloading all the songs from rent and HSM and also Step Up (i want to prep myself for the movie!).

speaking about Step Up and dance, i wanna join RJ dance, but that means i have to be good enough to audition and get through. which means i need to start learning some shit NOW. sigh.

movies!

2006-08-18T01:05:00.000+08:00

wow, was having a field day looking at trailers and everything. soo many movies i have to see! i started with saw 3, although the trailer couldn't have been more vague. ok upcoming releases:

- Frost-Bite
- Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
- Saw 3
- (perhaps) Ghost Game
- Material Girls
- Snakes on a Plane
- Step-up (en train de telecharger)

and to catch up:

- Hostel
- Texas Chainsaw Massacre
- Scary Movie 4
- Final Destination 1
- The Break-up
- Hard Candy

and many more. yonghao please note.

with great respect to mathilda.

2006-08-17T21:48:00.000+08:00

i am positively devastated by the results of this week's Singapore Idol. the intelligent viewers of singapore have voted out one of the best singers of the competition. and i'm still trying to get over it. seriously, what is the point in having Singapore Idol? why not create an Are You Hot, or another lame competition that judges NOT on merit? as much as i feel that the Singapore Idol producers have created a show that is very contrived, i still applaud them for their recognition that this IS a singing competition. but still, despite their desperate efforts, we still have people with thick skulls lying around, who refuse to see that. take lionel for example (lionel no hard feelings, it is just this that i feel very, very angry with you about, it's nothing we both don't know we are at odds at), he is so pleased with Mathilda's exit. please, if the education and cultural upbringing of singapore creates people who judge others by their looks, then i think Singapore, creating the best talents is still shit. these are the people who cannot see beyond looks and to whom the attempts at sense-inculcation by the SI people are in vain. thank god Hady has a good voice, or else he would be another victim of my attack.

it's sad to see that really, singapore is such a cold, cold place. i don't see how we deserve ANY cultural respect at all, when all we do is either follow after the westerners or create really stupid cultures. look at quality of shows on tv, and look at the things we ask the people who grace our petit nation to perform or exhibit. "So, asian girls?" "Do you have any problem with girls?" what the FUCK?! can singapore grow up? please?

i hate singapore because of that. i love singapore for all that it has done for me, but if you cannot fail to realise this problem, then... my, it makes one want to cry. can singapore have more substance than this?

whee vive la france!

2006-08-17T17:36:00.000+08:00

haha today was uber-slack like i said ytd. just go for assembly (which we had a talk on our RJC subjects... hmm i got to go make those choices soon.) and then french. not sure why i just got very irritable from school to third lang, but French today was fun!

we had a debate! would i ever have imagined being able to field a debate (albeit poorly)? no. and the topic was kind of interesting, except for when i finally the concluder of everything, i kind of stuttered my words away, and forgot what i wanted to say, so i just sort of crapped it out. haha. sigh. i want to practise my french.

oh and he spoke spanish today in class! which is cool, cuz i caught one or two words. i'm going to email him later to ask him how to improve my speaking.

i decided to push my workout for saturday. let my arms heal. haha.

a pressing ANNOUNCEMENT. and malice.

2006-08-16T21:50:00.000+08:00

this is going out to all of you who think joakim ought to stay on for his pretty looks: WAKE UP. seriously! i mean, he cannot sing, and he should leave now since he is the poorest performer. sigh, i mean, like as is already a cliche, this -is- a singing competition. save your votes for hady or someone else. anyone else. please.

and also, i was uninstalling some software (my D: drive seems to have a problem of always becoming out of space :( ) when i realised something -- there often are those programs that, after you uninstall, tell you to restart your computer. i personally never heed their advice and nothing happens to my comp. so it makes me think, is it a final act of malice, a desperate thrashing of limbs at the end of its existence? seems to me very much so.

anw i'm still aching. which is nice. oh wait, i think i didn't tell you i worked out yesterday. i hope this home gym thing works. and my diet seems good to me, because i just keep downing protein. more and more. even one whole drumstick and an egg doesn't seem like enough protein for me anymore. haha. this is fun. do you know those Model 1 models have stats that will make you and me (unless you are not someone i know) jealous like some crap? chest 95cm<, waist80cm< (of abs, mind you), collar 30cm<, height 183cm<... that could in some weird way be motivation for my workout. i'm only 173 i think. sigh.

and today i had this little initiative. to say hi to all the people i know and i see in school. and it was fun, and i kind of felt relieved when boyi came along because he readily waves to you, so it was easy for me to initiate the goodwill for once.

tomorrow slack! haha. just go school for assembly and then french. then maybe, just maybe, i will do my work out for thursday. if not, i push to fri or sat. and my french is sucking, luckily shane is practising with me haha.

crazy, in a safe world.

2006-08-14T17:22:00.000+08:00

lol, sorry corrinne and jon.

anw, today, was kind of nuts. it kinda meant wasted effort. two presentations squeezed in one day, and for all the work i had put it in i say about a quarter of all of it paid off. the ppt for Art and Porn did not get a chance to show it's face much. and the RE presentation had about 10 slides that were rushed through, due to lack of time. sad.

but now on a work-doing mood. although i wanna try my hand at guitar again, as inspired by Shane. lol.

and also, i kinda made some unpleasant discoveries in my prowl across the plane of the internet... i think god is trying to tell me something. sigh. i think i get it....

sorry.

2006-08-13T18:04:00.000+08:00

(no madonna trans-language lyrics.)

anw, i want to say sorry to these people:

1. My RE group,

2. My Philo Art & Morality group,

3. and anyone i've pissed off with my lack of commitment.

I will try my best to do everything well. My promise goes out to:

1. My Chem PT group,

2. My Physics PT group.

Sorry again. I'll try my best.

the creepy feeling of slackness.

2006-08-13T12:44:00.000+08:00

ahh! i'm returning back to my old procrastinating ways. i have quite some work to complete today:

1. RE
2. Philo Presentation
3. Geog CDs (6 of 'em!)
4. Math Portfolio
5. English Reflections

sigh. better get down to work.

anger and unwillingness and change.

2006-08-12T23:22:00.000+08:00

hmm. so many things happening lately, but i haven't been blogging. i was thinking, maybe because it was slack? no. maybe because i had stuff like my puzzle (which i completed thank you) and Rihanna's Unfaithul to practise? no. maybe because the feelings i feel now aren't as intense as before, so i didn't really need an outlet. but hi. i'm here now.

hmm... tomorrow i'm going jogging with my bro again, as part of my latest plans called "My Fitness Regiment". my goals are kinda crazy, like adding at least 1 cm to many parts of my body (now now keep your head clean) and being alot stronger. however, i could not fulfil one of my commitments, which is rock climbing, cuz xian jie didn't wanna come. are there anymore people who are willing to join me in my latest sport venture? i'm also going to plunge into swimming (pun intended) and also jogging of course, all aside from my twice-per-week workout. whee. i have oliver hanging about giving me support so yeah.

my bro seems reluctant to come. sigh. it's not going to be fun is it.

and i'm trying to play Rihanna's Unfaithful, as i said. it's nice to make music for myself. it's cool. and then there's guitar to learn, and spanish to learn. my my my.

click was good. loved the music mostly. company was fun.

gonna go now. bye.

puzzles = late sleep.

2006-08-08T03:54:00.000+08:00

oh dear. it's 3 50 am, and i just decided to wrap up the work on my jigsaw for today. it's looking good, and i just kept going and going -- if not the really crappy Ellen Degeneres show i would have just kept on.

later we're going to have NDP celebrations, where we are supposed to make a fashion t-shirt for parade. and after which i will go with aaron and shane to visit Mrs. Tham who unfortunately is leaving, and after which we will watch Lake House. And after which we would be going over to Aaron's for stayover! whee. there are some pieces of work that we are to hand up to Mr. Tan today but i think i'm just going to heck.

and i watched apprentice again, and it inspires to be more fastidious and work-ey. But what am i doing? I'm spending hours working on puzzles. sigh. when oh when am i going to start my workouts?

btw we got third in inter-class soccer. oh man...

in spite of school.

2006-08-07T00:14:00.000+08:00

having my honey stars + peanut butter bread supper. just returned home from Homesick, a film by Alfian Sa'at (i only realised today i haven't seen him in person) and was pretty good. Koped alot of brochures also, for future play-watching plans.

Finished our SS video. kind of nice, i think, very fun and interesting. but the best part of the video is the bloopers, which must be seen!

so... slacking. wanna plan for workouts tonight. see ya.

after the Dead Man Walking.

2006-08-06T02:20:00.000+08:00

just finished watching Dead Man Walking, followed by the completion of about 20-30 pieces of my puzzle with silly thai horror movie playing. but i had some thoughts (random, not about the movie totally):

- I was told the best way to treat people you hate is to love them, as hard as it is to do. but it would work if I do it right, so i might try it.

- I want to write an essay on death penalty.

- Go to https://implicit.harvard.edu/
to see how much you understand yourself. it's not as exciting as finding out new frontiers about yourself as described by Malcolm Gladwell in Blink!, but it's cool enough.

an uninteresting today, but a meaningul yesterday.

2006-08-05T23:36:00.000+08:00

(^ wow my longest entry title yet.)

anw, today was kind of mundane. the usual stuff, running here and there (although having lunch at Samy's with Jun Wei, Rahul, Anish, Prem and Pavneet was fun and insightful). but what was interesting was yesterday. i'm gonna blog as though it is yesterday, an entry i call "demarcations/marks.":

today marked the end of many things. of course, as we all know, it marks the end of my term 3 as we knew it. with the coming DMPs, this means that i can concentrate on other things I want to do. and also, i realise that when I'm slack i get very slack, and even things that i'm supposed to do and can easily do i don't do. sigh. this means there is a mark of beginning.

it also marks the end of 4J's nonsense with me and matthew chua, but not without a final cat-call extravaganza to finish it off. i will be told tomorrow by XJ that i am making too much of a fuss about this (since this is Friday)... But never mind. whatever i did wrong, it's over, and it won't return to haunt me.

it marks the day the tension between me and victor finally exploded. i don't remember when it started, but it had been building up bit-by-bit for so long, it was just waiting for the slightest spark to ignite itself. i think we both knew it subconsciously. i'm not sure if he's going to be seeing this, but, i just don't like it.

which brings me to my next mark, the mark of self-mental discovery. i am a logical person, therefore i hate people. i hate them cuz they are illogical and hard to handle, because they don't make sense. how do you deal with people you hate or are angry with (like in my case, victor)? God's will? Autism? etc... I discussed all these topics with my sister at the newly-intiated idea of Macdonald's called Mac Tonight, which means they open 24h on Fridays, Sats, and eve of public hols. it was really nice, and although i wished they could have made the place jazzier with lower lights and jazz music, i would kill the person who decides to cancel this idea in the future, cuz i love it.

there, yesterday once more. now i'm listening to my Big Band Collection which I thought was bad, but now realized it's actually very good. got quite some things to plan, but those shall wait, while i fulfil my promise to yonghao to watch DMW. he also asked me to read The Accidental, but i have to seek approval from my book club people. ok see ya.